Film Review: KUFFS (1992, Bruce A. Evans)

Stars: 4.5 of 5.
Running Time: 102 minutes.

Tag-line: "When you have attitude - who needs experience?"

Notable Cast or Crew: Written and directed by Bruce A. Evans (writer of STARMAN, STAND BY ME, and JUNGLE 2 JUNGLE). Christian Slater, Milla Jovovich, Bruce Boxleitner, Ashley Judd, Don S. Davis (Major Briggs on TWIN PEAKS). Music by Harold Faltermeyer (TOP GUN, FATAL BEAUTY, TANGO & CASH).

Best one-liner: "Now I hate to repeat myself, so, you're all under arrest, come out in front of the cars, and lay down on the ground or something."

'Why are we doing so much running? Aren't we all going to be in cars?!' Personally I never thought that the Slater Factor could eclipse the zenith it reached in HEATHERS. Well, guess what? I was wrong. What we have here is somehow the love child of DIRTY HARRY and FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF.

With a healthy sprinkling of TURNER & HOOCH?

And Slater is somehow the exact median point between Eastwood and Broderick. Man, this day is full of firsts- I just compared Slater to other performers and never once mentioned Jack Nicholson! Plus, the movie is called KUFFS. And Slater's character is named George Kuffs. If you can't appreciate the simple bone-headed beauty in that, then you probably shouldn't be watching Slater movies anyway.

Now you might've already heard that KUFFS breaks the fourth wall. You hear that a lot- then, as it turns out, there's a throwaway line directed at the camera, or a wink and a nod here or there... maybe something at the very beginning, or something at the tail end, or something similarly half-assed. Now I must inform you that KUFFS does not break the fourth wall– it SMASHES it into a thousand shards and bits of plaster, arches its eyebrows, then says with a smarmy grin, "Am I gonna be tested on this later?"

I've never seen a fourth wall pummeled quite so aggressively- Slater was constantly talking to ME.

He was telling ME about his life, he was narrating to ME, he was revealing to ME his innermost thoughts.

And sometimes said innermost thoughts are uttered in the presence of Don S. Davis.

He was cracking jokes with ME, he was yelling for ME get the hell out of his bathroom.

It was a singular experience.

But just when you think this movie is all about dismantling the fourth wall, it reveals that it's additionally all about Slater dancing around the apartment, wearing only stonewashed, tapered 90's jeans.

Dancin with Jovovich.

Dancin' with the champagne.

Dancin' on the bed.

A dance session cut short.

And just when you think that between the fourth-wall shenanigans and the jeans dancin', they can't possibly introduce any more rich visual tropes- BOOM- they blow up some turkeys.

Two of 'em. Why? Gives Slater somethin' to arch his eyebrows about.

Kinda Heyyy what's this, they blew up my dinner!

I get the feeling that Bruce A. Evans had been watching a lot of Peckinpah and Argento before making KUFFS, as he demonstrates a heartfelt devotion to breathtaking, super-slomo action photography. One scene in particular follows the trajectory of an actual bullet, shot at a frame rate much higher than your average Hollywood slo-mo. I wouldn't be surprised if they'd used a special high-speed camera designed for scientific use, because the film stock doesn't even quite match the rest of the film.

The result is an incredibly elegant sequence which admittedly feels a touch out of place in a film that also contains the following frame:

...

In any event, after 100 minutes of crass Slater irreverence, misogyny, and all-out misanthropy; the movie abruptly ends on a possibly sincere pro-women message picture note with Slater saying: 'Women. If it weren't for them, there'd be no civilization.'

Whaaaaaaat?! Congratulations and bravo, Mr. Kuffs. Here's four and a half stars. Wait, don't squint your eyes, lower your sunglasses, and arch your eyebrows all shocked-like . You can't possibly be surprised. Wait, are you laughing?! Eh, you got me again, ya likable smart aleck!

-Sean Gill


Junta Juleil's Summer '10 Movie Series
1. HELL IN THE PACIFIC (1968, John Boorman)
2. KUFFS (1992, Bruce A. Evans)
3. ...

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Film Review: FLASHPOINT (1984, William Tannen)

Stars: 4.2 of 5.
Running Time: 94 minutes.
Tag-line: "A wrecked jeep.... A skeleton.... A rifle... $800,000 dollars in cash..."
Notable Cast or Crew: Treat Williams (DEAD HEAT, HAIR, PRINCE OF THE CITY), Kris Kristofferson (LONE STAR, BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA, PAYBACK), Rip Torn (EXTREME PREJUDICE, WILD 90), Kurtwood Smith (ROBOCOP, RAMBO III, THAT 70's SHOW), Kevin Conway (The 90's OUTER LIMITS, F.I.S.T.), Miguel Ferrer (Albert on TWIN PEAKS, ROBOCOP), and Jean Smart (PROJECT X, DESIGNING WOMEN). Music by Tangerine Dream. Written by the underrated Dennis Shryack and Michael Butler (CODE OF SILENCE, PALE RIDER, FIFTY/FIFTY) and based on the novel by George La Foutaine, Sr.
Best exchange: "Like my Daddy always said, 'If you can't get out of it, get into it.'" –"I thought your daddy used to say, 'If you can't fix it, fuck it.'" "He said that, too."

FLASHPOINT is a little known 80's gem from director William Tannen (Chuck Norris' HERO AND THE TERROR and Larry Cohen's DEADLY ILLUSION- not to be confused with F/X 2: THE DEADLY ART OF ILLUSION), who manages to toe the odd line between the sensibilities of Sam Peckinpah and Oliver Stone. I'll be careful not to disclose too much about the plot itself, but suffice it to say that two border patrol agents make a discovery in the desert (see the tag-line) which may or may not bring with it some overwhelming repercussions.


Frequently touted only as a JFK conspiracy flick, the film has significantly less to do with the assassination's cover-up than it does with the powers of the (capital S) System encroaching on the rights of its unwilling subjects. It has an anti-technology slant, to be sure, but only so far as in it is against technology's hijacking by the powers that be for use as, shall we say, a blunt instrument (our heroes frequently feign walkie-talkie malfunction to fleetingly slow the System's bureaucratic juggernaut, which threatens to replace them with robotic sensors).

Meet your replacement.

Orwell tells us "if [we] want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever..."

Well, who's moving to prevent that? In FLASHPOINT, its guys like the 'Nam vet Kris Kristofferson, who'd ordinarily like nothing more than to remain beneath the System's radar:

the intrepid Treat Williams, who believes that inner righteousness will see the storm through:

and the irascible Rip Torn, a sheriff (much like his character in 1987's EXTREME PREJUDICE; he even says the line "The only thing worse than a politician is a child molester," which he would use again with élan) whose hillbilly aphorisms and preference for sour mash disguise a tremendous understanding of the sheer scope of the System's various wheels and gears.

Representing the System is the reptilian Kurtwood Smith, a flag-pin wearin' creep who literally thanks God every day for drugs, murder, and subversion- the general pretenses for said boot stamping.

That oily devil.

Tangerine Dream supplies one of their best, ethereally pulsating scores (on par with RISKY BUSINESS and THE PARK IS MINE!); there's excellent bit parts by Kevin Conway and an always-snarky Miguel Ferrer:

Miguel Ferrer prepares to unleash a blistering remark that will both delight and appall.

there's a certain amount of levity and buddy-bonding:

("Which one you want?" "-The mean one." "You're a sick man."), and it all adds up to an understated thriller that's well worth your while. It's not action-packed by any means, but the payoffs are well-earned and quite satisfying. I'd even say that the mood of the picture has resonated onward and has certainly influenced films such as WHITE SANDS and NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. A touch over four stars.

-Sean Gill

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Updated, Browsable List of All Reviews- May 2010

#
3 MEN AND A BABY (1987, Leonard Nimoy)
7 DAYS IN MAY (1964, John Frankenheimer)
52 PICK-UP (1986, John Frankenheimer)

A
THE A-TEAM: "TAXICAB WARS" (1983, Gilbert M. Shilton)
THE ABOMINABLE DR. PHIBES (1971, Robert Fuest)
ACTION JACKSON (1988, Craig R. Baxley)
ADAM RESURRECTED (2008, Paul Schrader)
ALAMO BAY (1985, Louis Malle)
ALICE COOPER: PRIME CUTS (1991, Neal Preston)
ALIEN NATION (1988, Graham Baker)
ALL THAT JAZZ (1979, Bob Fosse)
ALLIGATOR (1980, Lewis Teague)
ANGEL HEART (1987, Alan Parker)
ANTICHRIST (2009, Lars Trier)
APPALOOSA (2008, Ed Harris)
THE APPLE (1980, Menahem Golan)
APRIL FOOL'S DAY (1986, Fred Walton)
ARTHUR (1981, Steve Gordon)

B
THE BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL NEW ORLEANS (2009, Werner Herzog)
BALTIKA EXTRA 9 (2008, Russia)
BASKET CASE (1982, Frank Henenlotter)
BATTLE IN HEAVEN (2005, Carlos Reygadas)
BEAT STREET (1984, Stan Lathan)
THE BEGUILED (1971, Don Siegel)
BEST WORST MOVIE (2009, Michael Stephenson)
BIG BLOW (2000, United States)
THE BIG CLEAN (198?, Michael Ironside)
THE BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE (1970, Dario Argento)
BLADE RUNNER (1982, Ridley Scott)
THE BLACK CAT (2007, Stuart Gordon)
BLACK MOON RISING (1986, Harley Cokliss)
THE BLOOD OF HEROES (1989, David Webb Peoples)
BLUE COLLAR (1978, Paul Schrader)
BLUE DIAMOND BEER (2005, China)
BLUE STEEL (1989, Kathryn Bigelow)
THE BLOB (1988, Chuck Russell)
BLOOD WORK (2002, Clint Eastwood)
BOARDING GATE (2008, Olivier Assayas)
BODY DOUBLE (1984, Brian De Palma)
BODY OF EVIDENCE (1993, Uli Edel)
BODY PARTS (1991, Eric Red)
BORDERLINE (1980, Jerrold Freedman)
BOXING HELENA (1993, Jennifer Chambers Lynch)
BROKEN ARROW (1996, John Woo)
THE BUDDY HOLLY STORY (1978, Steve Rash)
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (1992, Fran Rubel Kazui)
BULLETPROOF (1988, Steve Carver)

C
CANDYMAN (1992, Bernard Rose)
CANE TOADS: AN UNNATURAL HISTORY (1988, Mark Lewis)
THE CARD PLAYER (2004, Dario Argento)
CARMEN (1983, Carlos Saura)
CASTLE FREAK (1995, Stuart Gordon)
THE CAT (1992, Ngai Kai Lam)
CHAMPAGNE COLA (2009, United States)
THE CHANGELING (1980, Peter Medak)
CHARLES BRONSON'S MANDOM 1-3 (197?, Nobuhiko Obayashi)
CHARLES BRONSON'S MANDOM 4-5 (197?, Nobuhiko Obayashi)
CHELSEA ON THE ROCKS (2009, Abel Ferrara)
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE #84: YOU ARE A MONSTER (1988, Edward Packard)
CHOPPING MALL (1986, Jim Wynorski)
C.H.U.D. (1984, Douglas Cheek)
CLASS OF 1984 (1982, Mark L. Lester)
COFFY (1973, Jack Hill)
COMBAT SHOCK (1986, Buddy Giovinazzo)
THE COMPANY OF WOLVES (1984, Neil Jordan)
CONQUEST (1983, Lucio Fulci)
COPYING BEETHOVEN (2006, Agnieszka Holland)
THE COTTON CLUB (1984, Francis Ford Coppola)
CRITTERS (1986, Stephen Herek)
CRITTERS 2: THE MAIN COURSE (1988, Mick Garris)
CRITTERS 3: YOU ARE WHAT THEY EAT (1991, Kristine Peterson)
CRITTERS 4: THEY'RE INVADING YOUR SPACE (1991, Rupert Harvey)
CUTTER'S WAY (1981, Ivan Passer)
CUTTING CARDS (1990, Walter Hill)

D
DAD'S OLD FASHIONED BLUE CREAM SODA (2009, United States)
DAGON (2001, Stuart Gordon)
DARK BLUE (2003, Ron Shelton)
THE DARK CRYSTAL (1982, Jim Henson & Frank Oz)
DARK FORCES (1980, Simon Wincer)
DARK PASSAGE (1947, Delmer Daves)
DAVID (1988, John Erman)
DEAD & BURIED (1981, Gary Sherman)
DEAD HEAT (1988, Mark Goldblatt)
DEAD LIKE ME: LIFE AFTER DEATH (2009, Stephen Herek)
DEAD MAN'S CURVE (1986, Roger Vadim)
THE DEAD POOL (1988, Buddy van Horn)
DEADBEAT AT DAWN (1988, Jim van Bebber)
THE DEADLY SPAWN (1983, Douglas McKeown)
DEADLY WEAPONS (1974, Doris Wishman)
DEATH HUNT (1981, Peter R. Hunt)
DEATH WISH (1974, Michael Winner)
DEATH WISH II (1982, Michael Winner)
DEATH WISH 3 (1985, Michael Winner)
DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN (1987, J. Lee Thompson)
DEATH WISH V: THE FACE OF DEATH (1994, Allan A. Goldstein)
DEEP RED (1975, Dario Argento)
THE DELTA FORCE (1986, Menahem Golan)
DEMONS 2 (1986, Lamberto Bava)
THE DEVILS (1971, Ken Russell)
DIARY OF THE DEAD (2008, George A. Romero)
DILLINGER (1973, John Milius)
DIRTY HARRY (1971, Don Siegel)

E
THE EARRINGS OF MADAME DE... (1953, Max Ophüls)
EATING RAOUL (1982, Paul Bartel)
ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA PROCUREMENT (2009, United States)
ENTER THE NINJA (1981, Menahem Golan)
ESCAPE FROM L.A. (1996, John Carpenter)
ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK (1981, John Carpenter)
EUREKA (1983, Nicolas Roeg)
THE EVIL THAT MEN DO (1984, J. Lee Thompson)
EXOTICA (1994, Atom Egoyan)
THE EXTERMINATOR (1980, James Glickenhaus)
EXTERMINATOR 2 (1984, Mark Bunztman)
EXTREME JUSTICE (1993, Mark L. Lester)
EXTREME PREJUDICE (1987, Walter Hill)

F
FACE/OFF (1997, John Woo)
THE FACULTY (1998, Robert Rodriguez)
FANCY FOOTWORK (1952, Martin Rackin)
THE FANTASTIC MR. FOX (2009, Wes Anderson & Mark Gustafson)
FAREWELL, MY LOVELY (1975, Dick Richards)
FAST FORWARD (1985, Sidney Poitier)
FAT CITY (1972, John Huston)
FATAL BEAUTY (1987, Tom Holland)
FEAST II: SLOPPY SECONDS (2008, John Gulager)
FEAST III: THE HAPPY FINISH (2009, John Gulager)
FIRESTARTER (1984, Mark Lester)
FIREWALKER (1986, J. Lee Thompson)
THE FIRM (1993, Sydney Pollack)
FLASHDANCE (1983, Adrian Lyne)
FLESH + BLOOD (1985, Paul Verhoeven)
FLESHBURN (1984, George Gage)
THE FOG (1980, John Carpenter)
FORCED TO KILL (1994, Russell Solberg)
FOREVER MINE (1999, Paul Schrader)
FOXY BROWN (1974, Jack Hill)
FRANKENHOOKER (1990, Frank Henenlotter)
FREDDY VS. JASON (2003, Ronny Yu)
FREDDY'S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE (1991, Rachel Talalay)
FREDDY'S GREATEST HITS- PART 1 (1987, The Elm Street Group)
FREDDY'S GREATEST HITS- PART 2 (1987, The Elm Street Group)
FREEJACK (1992, Geoff Murphy)
FRIDAY THE 13TH PART III: IN 3-D (1982, Steve Miner)
FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN (1989, Rob Hedden)
THE FRIENDS OF EDDIE COYLE (1973, Peter Yates)
FROGS (1972, George McCowan)
FROM A WHISPER TO A SCREAM (1987, Jeff Burr)
FROZEN RIVER (2008, Courtney Hunt)

G
GEEK MAGGOT BINGO (1983, Nick Zedd)
GET CARTER (1971, Mike Hodges)
GHOULIES III: GHOULIES GO TO COLLEGE (1991, John Carl Buechler)
A GIRL CUT IN TWO (2008, Claude Chabrol)
THE GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE (1968, Jack Cardiff)
GRAN TORINO (2008, Clint Eastwood)
LA GRANDE BOUFFE (1973, Marco Ferreri)
GUINNESS- PURE GENIUS: PART 1 (1987-1993, Rutger Hauer)
GUNCRAZY (1992, Tamra Davis)

H
HANG 'EM HIGH (1968, Ted Post)
HAPPY (1983, Lee Philips)
HAPPY-GO-LUCKY (2008, Mike Leigh)
HARD RAIN (1998, Mikael Salomon)
HARD TICKET TO HAWAII (1987, Andy Sidaris)
HARLEQUIN (1980, Simon Wincer)
HAUSU (1977, Nobuhiko Obayashi)
HEARTBREAK RIDGE (1986, Clint Eastwood)
HELL IN THE PACIFIC (1968, John Boorman)
HELLBOUND (1994, Aaron Norris)
HELLBOUND: HELLRAISER II (1988, Tony Randel)
HELLO MARY LOU: PROM NIGHT II (1987, Bruce Pittman)
HELLRAISER (1987, Clive Barker)
HERO AND THE TERROR (1988, William Tannen)
THE HEROIN BUSTERS (1977, Enzo G. Castellari)
HI, MOM! (1970, Brian De Palma)
HIGH SPIRITS (1988, Neil Jordan)
THE HIT (1984, Stephen Frears)
THE HITCHER (1986, Robert Harmon)
THE HITCHHIKER: "DEAD MAN'S CURVE" (1986, Roger Vadim)
THE HITCHHIKER: "HOMEBODIES" (1987, Carl Schenkel)
THE HITCHHIKER: "LAST SCENE" (1986, Paul Verhoeven)
THE HITCHHIKER: "THE LEGENDARY BILLY B." (1987, Chris Thomson)
THE HITCHHIKER: "W.G.O.D." (1985, Mike Hodges)
HOMEBODIES (1987, Carl Schenkel)
HOMECOMING (2005, Joe Dante)
HOMICIDAL (1961, William Castle)
HOMICIDE (1991, David Mamet)
HOOPER (1978, Hal Needham)
HOUSE OF WAX (1953, Andre de Toth)
THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (1959, William Castle)
HOUSE III: THE HORROR SHOW (1989, James Isaac)
HUDSON HAWK (1991, Michael Lehmann)
HUNGER (2008, Steve McQueen)
THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER (1990, John McTiernan)
THE HURT LOCKER (2009, Kathryn Bigelow)

I
IN THE LOOP (2009, Armando Iannucci)
IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS (1994, John Carpenter)
INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM (1984, Steven Spielberg)
INFERNO (1980, Dario Argento)
INTRUDER (1989, Scott Spiegel)
INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1978, Philip Kaufman)
IRISH POTCHEEN (2006, Ireland)


J
JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS (1963, Don Chaffey)
A JOHN WATERS CHRISTMAS (2009, John Waters)
JOHNNY HANDSOME (1989, Walter Hill)

K
KELLY'S HEROES (1970, Brian G. Hutton)
KEOMA (1976, Enzo G. Castellari)
KILLER WORKOUT (1986, David A. Prior)
KING OF THE ANTS (2003, Stuart Gordon)

L
LABATT MAXIMUM ICE (1993, Michael Ironside)
THE LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM (1988, Ken Russell)
THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO (1998, Whit Stillman)
THE LAST DETAIL (1973, Hal Ashby)
LAST SCENE (1986, Paul Verhoeven)
THE LAST SHARK (1981, Enzo G. Castellari)
LEATHERFACE: THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3 (1990, Jeff Burr)
THE LEGENDARY BILLY B. (1987, Chris Thomson)
THE LEOPARD MAN (1943, Jacques Tourneur)
THE LETTER PEOPLE, EPISODE 1- MEET MR. M (1974, Elayne Reiss-Weimann & Rita Friedman)
THE LETTER PEOPLE, EPISODE 2- MEET MR. T (1974, Thomas McDonough)
THE LETTER PEOPLE, EPISODE 23- MEET MR. G (1974, Thomas McDonough)
LEVIATHAN (1989, George P. Cosmatos)
LIFE AT THE OUTPOST (1979, Skatt Bros.)
THE LIMITS OF CONTROL (2009, Jim Jarmusch)
LIZARD IN A WOMAN'S SKIN (1971, Lucio Fulci)
LONE WOLF MCQUADE (1983, Steve Carver)
THE LOVELESS (1982, Kathryn Bigelow & Monty Montgomery)

M
THE MACHINIST (2004, Brad Anderson)
MACSHAYNE: WINNER TAKES ALL (1994, E.W. Swackhamer)
MADIGAN (1968, Don Siegel)
MAN ON WIRE (2008, James Marsh)
MANHUNTER (1986, Michael Mann)
MANIAC! (1980, William Lustig)
MANIAC COP 2 (1990, William Lustig)
THE MANITOU (1978, William Girdler)
MARY (2008, Abel Ferrara)
MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE (1986, Stephen King)
THE MECHANIC (1972, Michael Winner)
MEN AT WORK (1990, Emilio Estevez)
MESSENGER OF DEATH (1988, J. Lee Thompson)
METROPOLITAN (1990, Whit Stillman)
MIRACLE MILE (1988, Steve De Jarnatt)
MISSING IN ACTION (1984, Joseph Zito)
MISSION TO MARS (2000, Brian De Palma)
MISTER LONELY (2008, Harmony Korine)
MODESTY BLAISE (1966, Joseph Losey)
MORTUARY ACADEMY (1988, Michael Schroeder)
MOTHER OF TEARS (2008, Dario Argento)
MR. MAJESTYK (1974, Richard Fleischer)
MURDER ROCK (1984, Lucio Fulci)
MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE (1987, Jimmy Huston)
MY OWN WORST ENEMY (2008, Jason Smilovic)
MY SCIENCE PROJECT (1985, Jonathan R. Betuel)
MY SON, MY SON, WHAT HAVE YE DONE? (2009, Werner Herzog)
MY WINNIPEG (2008, Guy Maddin)

N
THE NAME OF THE ROSE (1986, Jean-Jacques Annaud)
NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS (2007, Jon Turteltaub)
THE NEVERENDING STORY II: THE NEXT CHAPTER (1990, George Miller)
THE NEW YORK RIPPER (1982, Lucio Fulci)
NEW YORK STORIES (1989, Martin Scorsese, Francis Ford Coppola, & Woody Allen)
NIGHT MOVES (1975, Arthur Penn)
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5: THE DREAM CHILD (1989, Stephen Hopkins)
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 6: FREDDY'S DEAD (1991, Rachel Talalay)
NOT QUITE HOLLYWOOD (2009, Mark Hartley)
NOWHERE TO HIDE (1987, Mario Azzopardi)

O
OBSESSION (1976, Brian De Palma)
THE OCTAGON (1980, Eric Karson)
THE OFFENCE (1972, Sidney Lumet)
OUT FOR JUSTICE (1991, John Flynn)
OUTRAGEOUS! (1977, Richard Benner)

P
THE PARK IS MINE! (1986, Steven Hilliard Stern)
PATTY HEARST (1988, Paul Schrader)
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY (2009, Oren Peli)
PELTS (2006, Dario Argento)
PHENOMENA (1985, Dario Argento)
PICKUP ON SOUTH STREET (1953, Sam Fuller)
PIECES (1982, Juan Piquer Simón)
PIRANHA II: THE SPAWNING (1981, James Cameron)
THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982, Ken Annakin)
PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES (1965, Mario Bava)
POLTERGEIST (1982, Tobe Hooper & Steven Spielberg)
POOR PRETTY EDDIE (1975, Chris Robinson & David Worth)
PREDATOR 2 (1990, Stephen Hopkins)
PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1987, John Carpenter)
THE PRINCE OF PENNSYLVANIA (1988, Ron Nyswaner)
THE PRINCIPAL (1987, Christopher Cain)
PRIVATE PARTS (1972, Paul Bartel)
PROM NIGHT (1980, Paul Lynch)
PROM NIGHT II: HELLO MARY LOU (1987, Bruce Pittman)
THE PROWLER (1981, Joseph Zito)
PSYCHO (1998, Gus van Sant)
PUMP UP THE VOLUME (1990, Allan Moyle)

Q
Q & A (1990, Sidney Lumet)
QUIET COOL (1986, Clay Borris)

R
THE RAGE (1997, Sidney J. Furie)
RAGING BULL (1980, Martin Scorsese)
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981, Steven Spielberg)
RAISING CAIN (1992, Brian De Palma)
RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II (1985, George Cosmatos)
RAMBO III (1988, Peter MacDonald)
RAMBO IV (2008, Sylvester Stallone)
RAWHIDE: "DUEL AT DAYBREAK" (1965, Sutton Roley)
REAL COTTON CANDY (????, United States)
[•REC] (2007, Jaume Balagueró & Paco Plaza)
RED DAWN (1984, John Milius)
RED DRAGON (2002, Brett Ratner)
RED ROCK WEST (1993, John Dahl)
THE RED SKELTON SHOW: "FANCY FOOTWORK" (1952, Martin Rackin)
REDNECK COUNTY RAPE (1975, Chris Robinson & David Worth)
RENT-A-COP (1987, Jerry London)
THE RESURRECTED (1992, Dan O'Bannon)
REVENGE OF THE NINJA (1983, Sam Firstenberg)
REVOLVER (1973, Sergio Sollima)
RHINESTONE (1984, Bob Clark)
ROADGAMES (1981, Richard Franklin)
ROADIE (1980, Alan Rudolph)
ROBOT JOX (1990, Stuart Gordon)
ROCK 'N ROLL HIGH SCHOOL (1979, Joe Dante & Allan Arkush)
ROCK 'N ROLL NIGHTMARE (1987, John Fasano)
ROLLER BOOGIE (1979, Mark L. Lester)
ROLLING THUNDER (1977, John Flynn)
THE ROOKIE (1990, Clint Eastwood)
THE ROOM (2003, Tommy Wiseau)
RUNAWAY TRAIN (1985, Andrei Konchalovsky)
RYAN'S DAUGHTER (1970, David Lean)

S
SALSA (1988, Boaz Davidson)
SALUTE OF THE JUGGER (1989, David Webb Peoples)
SATURN 3 (1980, Stanley Donen)
SAVAGE STREETS (1984, Danny Steinmann)
SAVE ME (1994, Alan Roberts)
SCREAMERS (1995, Christian Duguay)
SEE YOU AT THE CAST PARTY, IRONSIDE (2010, Sean Gill)
SEINE GROSSE ERFOLGE (1969, Heino)
THE SERPENT AND THE RAINBOW (1988, Wes Craven)
SEVEN DAYS IN MAY (1964, John Frankenheimer)
SHARKY'S MACHINE (1981, Burt Reynolds)
THE SHOOTIST (1976, Don Siegel)
SILENT LIGHT (2007, Carlos Reygadas)
SILENT RAGE (1982, Michael Miller)
THE SILENT WORLD (1956, Jacques Cousteau & Louis Malle)
SILVER BULLET (1985, Daniel Attias)
SIMPLE MEN (1992, Hal Hartley)
SLEEPWALKERS (1992, Mick Garris)
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE (2008, Danny Boyle)
SMITHEREENS (1982, Susan Seidelman)
SOUTHERN COMFORT (1981, Walter Hill)
SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE (1983, Lamont Johnson)
SPASMO (1974, Umberto Lenzi)
SPIDER BABY (1964, Jack Hill)
ST. IDES MALT LIQUOR JINGLE (1992, Ice Cube)
ST. IVES (1976, J. Lee Thompson)
THE STAND (1994, Mick Garris)
STAR 80 (1983, Bob Fosse)
STAR CRYSTAL (1985, Lance Lindsay)
STEPFATHER 2: MAKE ROOM FOR DADDY (1989, Jeff Burr)
THE STONE KILLER (1973, Michael Winner)
STRAIGHT TIME (1978, Ulu Grosbard)
STRAIT-JACKET (1964, William Castle)
STREET SMART (1987, Jerry Schatzberg)
STREET TRASH (1987, J. Michael Muro)
STROKER ACE (1983, Hal Needham)
STUCK (2008, Stuart Gordon)
THE STUFF (1985, Larry Cohen)
THE SUBSTITUTE (1996, Robert Mandel)
SUMMER HOURS (2009, Olivier Assayas)
SURVIVAL QUEST (1989, Don Coscarelli)
SURVIVING THE GAME (1994, Ernest R. Dickerson)
SUSPIRIA (1977, Dario Argento)
SWAMP THING (1982, Wes Craven)
SWING SHIFT (1984, Jonathan Demme)
SWITCHBLADE SISTERS (1975, Jack Hill)

T
THE TAKING OF POWER BY LOUIS XIV (1966, Roberto Rossellini)
TALES FROM THE CRYPT: "CUTTING CARDS" (1990, Walter Hill)
THE TALL T (1957, Budd Boetticher)
TAXICAB WARS (1983, Gilbert M. Shilton)
TELEFON (1977, Don Siegel)
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974, Tobe Hooper)
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 (1986, Tobe Hooper)
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3 (1990, Jeff Burr)
THEY LIVE (1988, John Carpenter)
THE THING (1982, John Carpenter)
THE THIRD MIRACLE (1999, Agnieszka Holland)
THREE MEN AND A BABY (1987, Leonard Nimoy)
THUNDER ROAD (1958, Arthur Ripley)
THE TINGLER (1959, William Castle)
TOMBSTONE (1993, "George Cosmatos" & Kurt Russell)
TOTAL RECALL (1990, Paul Verhoeven)
TRANCERS (1985, Charles Band)
TRICK 'R TREAT (2009, Michael Dougherty)
TRON (1982, Steven Lisberger)
TROUBLE THE WATER (2008, "Tia Lessin & Carl Deal")
TRUST (1990, Hal Hartley)
TUAREG: THE DESERT WARRIOR (1984, Enzo G. Castellari)
TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME (1992, David Lynch)
TWINS (1988, Ivan Reitman)

U
UNDER SIEGE (1992, Andrew Davis)
USED CARS (1980, Robert Zemeckis)

V
THE V WORD (2006, Ernest R. Dickerson)
VAMPIRE'S KISS (1988, Robert Bierman)
VAMPIRE'S SECRET ICE POPS (1993, United States)
VIGILANTE (1983, William Lustig)
VIOLENT CITY (1970, Sergio Sollima)
VISITING HOURS (1982, Jean-Claude Lord)

W
W. (2008, Oliver Stone)
W.G.O.D. (1985, Mike Hodges)
THE WANDERERS (1979, Philip Kaufman)
WAXWORK (1988, Anthony Hickox)
WEDLOCK (1991, Lewis Teague)
WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S (1989, Ted Kotcheff)
THE WHITE BUFFALO (1977, J. Lee Thompson)
WHITE DOG (1982, Sam Fuller)
WHITE HUNTER, BLACK HEART (1990, Clint Eastwood)
WILD AT HEART (1990, David Lynch)
THE WILD ONE (1953, Laslo Benedek)
THE WILLIES (1991, Brian Peck)
WINNING (1969, James Goldstone)
THE WIZARD (1989, Todd Holland)
THE WORST WITCH (1986, Robert Young)
THE WRESTLER (2008, Darren Aronofsky)

X

Y
YOU, THE LIVING (2009, Roy Andersson)
YOU ARE A MONSTER (1988, Edward Packard)

Z
ZERO EFFECT (1998, Jake Kasdan)
ZIP ZAP RAP (1986, Devastatin' Dave the Turntable Slave)

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Film Review: MORTUARY ACADEMY (1988, Michael Schroeder)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 87 minutes.
Tag-line: "Where the dearly departed meet the clearly retarded."
Notable Cast or Crew: Paul Bartel, Mary Woronov, Christopher Atkins, Perry Lang, Anthony James, Tracey Walter, Wolfman Jack, Cesar Romero, Stoney Jackson (STREETS OF FIRE, ROLLER BOOGIE). Directed by Michael Schroeder (CYBORG 2, CYBORG 3: THE RECYCLER; assistant director on LAMBADA, HIGHLANDER 2!).
Best one-liner: "I haven't seen this much blood since Jimmy Hawks asked me to be his cell-block bride!"

Now, MORTUARY ACADEMY is nowhere near as terrific as EATING RAOUL, but it comes far closer than I ever could have suspected. I had been extremely disappointed by LUST IN THE DUST (which Paul Bartel directed, but didn't write), so I didn't know what to expect from a largely derided film (that he wrote but didn't direct), but as it turns out, my reservations were completely unfounded. This movie is ludicrous, and it works because it serves, straight up, a big dollop of what we really want- which is a shitload of Paul and Mary (Woronov).


Like a bizarro Tracy and Hepburn for 70's and 80's, my only complaints about any of their collaborations center on them not being the absolute center of attention. But worry not- they're front and center here. Using tropes from the likes of POLICE ACADEMY and MOVING VIOLATIONS, this film is far from original, but its brilliance lies in the details- the best jokes are nearly hidden: dubbed in the background or off-handedly tossed aside, only to sink in a moment later. Paul and Mary play 'Paul' and 'Mary,' nefarious administrators of a mortuary academy, scheming to keep sibling heirs Christopher Atkins (THE PIRATE MOVIE) and Perry Lang (ALLIGATOR) from passing their classes and inheriting the mortuary (was SIX FEET UNDER inspired by this?).

Christopher Atkins- still fresh-faced and full of vim and vigor despite the embarrassments of THE PIRATE MOVIE. I really respect that.


Paul nefariously consoles Perry Lang.

Paul wears that smoking jacket he wears in every movie, and Mary wears enough shoulder pads and leopard-print to satisfy her die-hards.

Formaldehyde is used as champagne, Paul romances a corpse:


I can't tell if Paul Bartel makes this more creepy or less creepy than it ought to be.

an ex-con (an awesomely terrifying Anthony James- 'Skinny' in UNFORGIVEN) exclaims "I haven't seen this much blood since Jimmy Hawks asked me to be his cell-block bride!"

and Tracey Walter (REPO MAN, SOMETHING WILD) strides in just to prove beyond reasonable doubt that this is, indeed, a cult movie.

(And he's doing Frankenstein-ian experiments in robotics and dead tissue, no less.) There's cameos by Wolfman Jack and Cesar Romero, an undead, animatronic horror band called "Radio Werewolf," and by now you should be able to tell if this is your cup of tea or not.

For a movie which I expected to be Zany with a capital 'Z' and (fastforward-ably?) unbearable, I was very pleasantly surprised. I suppose I shouldn't have underestimated the sheer animal power of Bartel and Woronov. Four stars.

-Sean Gill

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