Film Review: THE MONSTER SQUAD (1987, Fred Dekker)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 82 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Co-written and directed by Fred Dekker (NIGHT OF THE CREEPS, ROBOCOP 3, writer of HOUSE), co-written by Shane Black (LETHAL WEAPON, KISS KISS BANG BANG, THE LAST BOY SCOUT). Starring Andre Gower, Robby Kiger (CHILDREN OF THE CORN), Brent Chalem ("Tubby" in DANCE 'TIL DAWN, "Spud" on PUNKY BREWSTER), Stephen Macht (TRANCERS III, GALAXINA, GRAVEYARD SHIFT), Tom Noonan (MANHUNTER, HOUSE OF THE DEVIL), Jon Gries ("Roger Linus" on LOST, RUNNING SCARED, TERRORVISION), Jack Gwillim (LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, PATTON), Leonardo Cimino (DUNE, HUDSON HAWK), Duncan Regehr (V, THE LEGEND OF ERROL FLYNN), Jason Hervey ('Wayne' on THE WONDER YEARS, PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE), Stan Shaw (TRUCK TURNER, ROCKY). Music by Bruce Broughton (TOMBSTONE), songs by Michael Sembello (of 'Maniac' fame). Executive produced by Peter Hyams (RUNNING SCARED, BUSTING, 2010, OUTLAND, THE RELIC).
Tag-line: " You know who to call when you have ghosts but who do you call when you have monsters?"
Best one-liner: See review.

A clever cash-in on THE GOONIES' success and a throwback to the classic Universal monster flicks which tried to jam as many monsters into one movie as was humanly possible (HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, HOUSE OF DRACULA, FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN, ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN), THE MONSTER SQUAD is a loving tribute to an age where one's primary curiosities lie in the morbid, the dark, the gross, and the monstrous. As such, Shane Black and Fred Dekker bring us a clever (but not too clever for its own good), self-referential (a decade before Kevin Williamson), tightly-wound (82 minutes!) horror film whose primary- nay, only- objective is to ensure that we have a hell of a good time. And though copyright issues disallowed the makers from using the actual Universal monsters, we have extremely solid Stan Winston facsimiles, and there are enough obscure nods to the originals (armadillos in Dracula's castle!) to satisfy the die hards. I shall now proceed with an empirical analysis of THE MONSTER SQUAD, one which seeks to separate MYTH from FACT:

MYTH: Dracula is class. He's all about the opera, and literature, and Gothic architecture, and, oh yes, that inconvenient matter that comes up from time to time– that of drinking your blood.
FACT: Dracula, in THE MONSTER SQUAD, is a total douchebomb. His nonstop dickery imperils not only the members of the titular Monster Squad, but even his fellow monsters as well. Will Dracula be having your son?

You bettah believe he'll be having your son. What if a gang of kids starts harassing him?


He will blast their treehouse to shit with dynamite and mutter to himself smugly, "Meeting adjourned." Just look at his face:

Have you ever seen a vampire more pleased with himself? Have you seen a monster with a more blatantly self-congratulatory attitude?
And while I guess this was the era of the PG-13, I love the way he deals with a five-year old girl who's got the mystical monster amulet:


The first time I saw this I was sort of disappointed with Duncan Regehr's take on Dracula, but now with the benefit of age and wisdom, I've gotta say: like the fine wine (that he never drinks), Drac's incessant, unrelenting superior form of douchebaggery only improves with age.

MYTH: Dracula can change his form, but he's limited to man, wolf, and bat.


FACT: Well, if we're counting one-frame subliminal messages, add "Bulging-Eyes-Skull-Head-Monster-Man" to the list. (Maybe this is somehow related to Dracula's headscratching appearance as "The Grim Reaper" in CASTLEVANIA II: SIMON'S QUEST?)

MYTH: Dracula cannot journey in daylight.

FACT: Evidently he can, in bat form, whilst exiting a vintage B-24 that he's commissioned. And is this some kind of abstruse reference to the B-24s used in the WWII bombing of Ploesti, Romania, the same nation whose borders lay claim to Transylvania?

MYTH: Jon Gries would make a pisspoor Wolf Man.


FACT: After cutting his teeth on roles like "O.D. the Metalhead" in TERRORVISION and "King Vidiot" in JOYSTICKS, he possessed the necessary derangement to pull of an extremely solid Wolf Man, and one with occasional pathos to boot.

MYTH: A Wolf Man traverses this life without 'Nards.
FACT: See below.





MYTH: The Wolf Man can be killed by stuffing dynamite down his pants, defenestrating him, and exploding him above a deserted alleyway as he plummets to the ground.

FACT: Only a silver bullet can kill the Wolf Man. (And what precisely does this movie have against Wolf Man genitalia, anyway?)

MYTH: Like many a lame-ass kids' movie since, THE MONSTER SQUAD censors itself.

FACT: No. It refuses to. It keeps the foul-mouthed pre-teens, the gore (watch for Dracula's brides munching on furry animals, raw- amongst other things), the five-year old girls being strangled and called bitches (see above), and all the other stuff that lets kids know they're not being pandered to.

MYTH: When the (quasi) Universal Monsters get together, they commence with death and destruction... immediately!

FACT: Actually, they simply cavort with one another in a shot which (comically, but surely unintentionally) goes on for about three seconds too long.

MYTH: The Creature from the Black Lagoon is underrated.

FACT: No, The Creature from the Black Lagoon is rated just as he should be. Hands down, the shittiest of the mainstream Universal Monsters, I'd rather see his #5 spot occupied by Mr. Hyde, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, the Man who Laughs, the ape from Rue Morgue, the Invisible Man, the Bride of Frankenstein, Dr. Pretorius, the crazy brother from THE OLD DARK HOUSE, Poelzig from THE BLACK CAT, or even a random Mole Person from THE MOLE PEOPLE. That being said, Stan Winston did a pretty superb job of reimagining him for the 1980's. And I guess the Creature gets a few points for having Clint Eastwood in the sequel. Anyway.

MYTH: Harold Ramis was the first to consider a film entitled GROUNDHOG DAY.
FACT: A fictional flick named 'GROUNDHOG DAY' is viewed within MONSTER SQUAD, a reference to the many 'holiday-themed slashers' which ruled the video shelves of the 1980's.

MYTH: TERMINATOR 2 was the first movie to end with a corny, gargantuan father figure sacrificing himself to the pit in order that others may live.
FACT: THE MONSTER SQUAD makes a pretty good go of it with Tom Noonan's Frankenstein.

Noonan is great. At 6'6'', he makes for a great Monster. Although never did I think I'd see 'Francis Dollarhyde' (the name of his character in MANHUNTER) holding a little girl's hand in a genuinely sentimental moment.

His catchphrase is "Bogus!," which should be enough to make your average FRANKENSTEIN fan's hair curl in dismay, but somehow Noonan imbues the role with enough sincerity that he makes those cringeworthy moments extremely palatable.

MYTH: "The problem is two-thousand year-old dead guys do not get up and walk away by themselves."

FACT: "See ya later, Band-Aid Breath!"

MYTH: It is impossible to 'rap' adequately about "amulets."
FACT: Stay for the end credits, and listen for yourself. I'm not saying that Michael Sembello should be named Poet Laureate or anything, but give him a chance.

Four stars.

-Sean Gill

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Star Costumes Horror Scholarship

One of our loyal readers at Star Costumes has alerted me to their horror scholarship, offering a prize of $1,000 to burgeoning Romeros, Argentos, Carpenters, and the like. Applicants must be studying in a field pertinent to horror films, and you must put in for it by October 31st. So to you youngsters with lofty dreams of horror flickery, the details are available here.

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Film Review: VAMP (1986, Richard Wenk)

Stars: 4.5 of 5.
Running Time: 93 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Chris Makepeace (MY BODYGUARD, MEATBALLS), Robert Rusler (NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2, WEIRD SCIENCE, THRASHIN'), Gedde Watanabe (SIXTEEN CANDLES, GREMLINS 2), Sandy Baron (TARGETS, THE OUT-OF-TOWNERS), Dedee Pfeiffer (FALLING DOWN, INTO THE NIGHT), Grace Jones (CONAN THE DESTROYER, A VIEW TO A KILL), Billy Drago (MYSTERIOUS SKIN, THE UNTOUCHABLES, DELTA FORCE 2). Music by Jonathan Elias (CHILDREN OF THE CORN, TUFF TURF). Cinematography by Elliot Davis (SHAKES THE CLOWN, OUT OF SIGHT) and Douglas F. O'Neons (director of TEXAS GODFATHER, camera op on BAD BOYS, CHATO'S LAND).
Tag-line: "The first kiss could be your last."
Best one-liner: "Do they do that in Vegas? Whoa! That's classy, now that's classy!"

VAMP somehow expertly fuses so many disparate elements that I love about the 80's: the underground Lower Manhattan filmmaking vibe from director Richard Wenk (DRACULA BITES THE BIG APPLE); vibrant, garish lighting and evocative set design (á la Argento, Almodóvar, or even Susan Seidelman);

likable, occasionally witty, horror-comedy (like NIGHT OF THE CREEPS or PHANTASM II);

the 'long, endless night genre' (as seen in AFTER HOURS or MIRACLE MILE); and dopey, mainstream screwball comedy (the buying of friendship is a major plot point as is the presence of Gedde Watanabe- ‘Long Duk Dong’ in SIXTEEN CANDLES).

The champagne of beers.

As you can see, there are several worlds colliding in this flick, and the focal point of its candy-colored universe is a blood-curdling, utterly bonkers (and wordless!) performance by one Ms. Grace Jones, who is officially the scariest vampire since Max Schreck (…and until Michael Ironside). Perched on a headless, sculpted throne, daubed in white body paint, clad in a metal wire bikini (all three by NYC street artist Keith Haring!), and donning a fiery red wig, Jones is a striking vision of avant-garde terror.




"The guys at the fraternity are gonna love her!" shouts a perennial 80's toolbar (played by Robert Rusler)...Umm...WHAAAT?! Also, Jones is so severe in her commitment that it almost comes as a shock to see her in behind the scenes footage (also available on the DVD), laughing and goofing around. Her ability to divorce herself from her own celebrity and remain totally connected to this monstrous character is a true feat, though many would argue that the Ms. Jones herself is already pretty scary, as is.

At one point, she's referred to as "Queen Bitch," which may be the inspiration for a 2006 incident at a Delta Airlines party where the real-life Ms. Jones allegedly began stripping, proclaiming herself ""Queen Bitch Jungle Mother of New York!"

...Anyway, uh, I lost my train of thought. Billy Drago is in this, too.

He plays an exquisite 80's albino punk gang leader named "Snow" who brandishes a hunting knife and is the victim of an extended balls-grab low blow. We've got Sandy Baron playing a creepy, cockroach-snacking emcee. A charred skeleton musters the strength to flip the bird:

and it all basically ends with the statement, "This has been one whacky night." I love this movie.

[Side note: it's also most likely the inspiration for the latter half of Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino's 1996 stripper/vampire bar flick, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN.]

-Sean Gill

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Film Review: VAMPYR (1932, Carl Th. Dreyer)

Stars: 4.7 of 5.
Running Time: 75 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Julian West (star and producer, an aristocrat who was never involved with another film project), Sybille Schmitz (DIARY OF A LOST GIRL, HOTEL SACHER, and the real-life inspiration for Fassbinder's VERONIKA VOSS), Maurice Schutz (THE PASSION OF JOAN OF ARC, Gance's NAPOLEON), Rena Mandel, Jan Hieronimko. Directed by Carl Th. Dreyer (THE PASSION OF JOAN OF ARC, ORDET, DAY OF WRATH). Based on work by Irish ghost story writer Sheridan le Fanu. Screenplay by Christen Jul and Dreyer. Cinematography by Rudolph Maté (GILDA, TO BE OR NOT TO BE, THE PASSION OF JOAN OF ARC, director of film noirs like D.O.A.). Music by Wolfgang Zeller (THE ADVENTURES OF PRINCE ACHMED, SERENGETI).
Tag-line: "The strange adventure of Allan Gray."
Best one-liner: Not really that kind of a movie.

Carl Th. Dreyer's stab at expressionistic horror was one which he thought would bring him mainstream success and acclaim– it had marketable young actors, eerie imagery, and vampires- it should've been all the rage, or so Dreyer thought. But it was largely a critical and popular failure (sayeth the New York Times: in many ways [VAMPYR] was one of the worst films I have ever attended" and that "[it] either held the spectators spellbound as in a long nightmare or else moved them to hysterical laughter") which was not recognized as a classic until many decades hence.

As it is, it remains a phantasmagorical spectacular, sharing common ground with latter-day dream ballets like VALERIE AND HER WEEK OF WONDERS and ERASERHEAD. It's not plot-heavy in a traditional sense, but rather builds a wispily tangible mood, one that brushes your shoulders, pricks up the hairs on the back of your neck, and slips between your fingers in frosty, feathery tendrils. VAMPYR embodies the dream state, blurs the lines between nightly rest and eternal rest, and, at its best, places the viewer themselves in a trance-like condition. (Dreyer had his cinematographer, the brilliant Rudolph Maté, shoot most of the film with a thin gauze blocking the lens from a distance of three feet to really drive the haziness home!) With Wolfgang Zeller's softly flowing score, frequent title cards, and long stretches of silence, VAMPYR feels at times like a silent film, but in saying so, I don't wish to downplay the effect of the seriously spooky soundscape, full of screeching birds, howling monkeys (?), metallic grindings, and mysterious echoes.

Though it would be impossible to spoil VAMPYR's myriad secrets with mere words, the remander of this review shall, like the film, take on something of an abstract quality...

Wheels spin, gears crank, shadows turn.


A peasant (or is that the Grim Reaper?) rings a bell incessantly on a fog-enshrouded dock, a scythe ominously slung over his shoulder.

An arrangement of skulls fix their empty-socketed glares upon the camera lens.

Julian West's eyes bulge with mortal dread.

Skeletal fingers clutch a vial of poison. Sybille Schmitz leers with an animal madness that puts today's overproduced, fang-reliant vampires to shame.

Shadows disobey their masters.

In-camera effects rule the day. The staking of a vampire is described quite elegantly as "nailing her horrid soul to the earth." A man chokes on a savage downpour of flour in the most difficult-to-watch asphyxiation scene until BLUE COLLAR.

Our hero is buried alive (or is that really the case?), and we see, via his point-of-view, a series of sights leading up to his interment which comprise, in my opinion, one of the most immersive, tour de force cinematographical sequences in all of filmdom.


For me, anyway, this is horror cinema at its finest. Shadowy, nebulous visions from the pit, a few of which (the burial sequence, for example) resonate as forbidden sights that perhaps the living ought never to see...

Just about five stars.

-Sean Gill

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Film Review: MAD MONSTER PARTY? (1967, Jules Bass)

Stars: 4.4 of 5.
Running Time: 94 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Boris Karloff, Phyllis Diller, Allen Swift ((THE FAMILY CIRCUS CHRISTMAS, IT'S GREEK TO ME-OW!), Gale Garnett (THE PARK IS MINE, THIRTY TWO SHORT FILMS ABOUT GLENN GOULD). Produced by Jules Bass and Arthur Rankin, Jr. (RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER, THE HOBBIT). Music by Maury Laws (THE HOBBIT, THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS). Also features the hit song "Do the Mummy" by Little Tibia and the Fibias. Puppet design by Jack Davis (MAD magazine).
Tag-lines: "It's the Silliest Party of the Year... and you're all invited!"
Best one-liner:"Wolfie, you old dog! Ha ha. This convention is going to be a howling success."

MAD MONSTER PARTY? is so goddamned cute that you want to pick it up and hold it and rock it and pinch its little cheeks. This movie had me twittering like a little girl in her petticoats, and I don't use that terminology lightly. The last time I felt this way was when I watched BILL & COO (OUR TOWN with an all-bird cast).

Jules Bass and Arthur Rankin, Jr. (who were already well-known for RUDOLPH) again use the 'Animagic' process to build a world of exquisite detail and absolute preciousness. There's something amazingly stilted and ridiculous about the characters' movements that is completely charming, even beyond traditional stop motion. I don't intend to turn this into an anti-CGI rant, but often, one of the creatures will gesture in a spontaneously awkward manner that is wonky perfection itself. The film becomes a marriage of natural and unnatural: real hands manipulating real objects in an artificial realm where the laws of physics are subject only to dream-logic. In a way, it's a universe made entirely from scratch, from real, cobbled-together materials and assembled frame by frame (without cheapjack shortcuts via computer!)... I say it's worthy of Dr. Frankenstein and his infamous patchwork monster!

Speaking of which, the plot concerns Dr. Frankenstein (basically Boris Karloff as himself) calling together all of his monster friends (Dracula, The Mummy, The Creature, Dr. Jekyll, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Invisible Man, The Werewolf, a Peter Lorre-knockoff, etc.) together to announce his retirement.




Also in the mix is a Jimmy Stewart-parody dweeb who happens to be the Doctor's nephew. Scheming, hilarity, and corny songs ensue. Standouts include the skeleton "Beatles" band who plays "Do the Mummy," the ridiculous Italian-a chef-a who-a talks-a like-a this-a, and insane comedic stylings of Phyllis Diller. As "The Monster's Mate" (what 'the Bride of Frankenstein' is billed as in the 1935 credits), Diller delivers a series of one-liners which are largely unfunny.

She follows up each of the one-liners with an inane guffaw which somehow, after-the-fact, bends the limits of reason and MAKES them funny. Case in point: "Remember what happened the last time you had a roving eye? I kept it in a jar for a week. AHHH-HAW HAW HAW HAW HAWWWWWWWW!" Perfect.

It all leads to the eponymous soiree which is as full of backstabbing, musical performances, power plays, pie fights, and all-around tomfoolery as it should be.

Little Tibia and the Fibias.


HAWWWWW-HAW-HAWWWWWWW!!!


The Creature from the Black Lagoon, walloped in the face with a pie.


Note the Mummy's mounting apprehension as a good swig of booze is about to go to waste. Also note Frankenstein's tuxedo in the background.


Drac hits the punch bowl in a riposte to the classic "I never drink... wine."

Four and a half stars. My highest recommendation for the Halloween season.

[It also bears mentioning that THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS- and perhaps even Tim Burton's entire catalogue- would not exist without this film. Though he freely admits the influence, take a look at the little critters in the "Stay One Step Ahead" number, and you'll likely be shocked by the similarity.]

-Sean Gill

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