Film Review: STONE COLD (1991, Craig R. Baxley)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 92 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Brian Bosworth (ONE TOUGH BASTARD, THREE KINGS), Lance Henriksen (ALIENS, NEAR DARK), Arabella Holzbog (CARNOSAUR 2, ACROSS THE UNIVERSE), William Forsythe (EXTREME PREJUDICE, THE ROCK, OUT FOR JUSTICE), Richard Gant (ROCKY V, THE BIG LEBOWSKI, "Hostetler" on DEADWOOD), Evan James (HARD TO KILL, PENTATHLON). Produced by Yoram Ben-Ami (LONE WOLF MCQUADE, 3 NINJAS KICK BACK), Moshe Diamant (TIMECOP, HARD TARGET), Gary Wichard (BLACKOUT, C.O.D.), Walter Doniger (also the writer), Michael Douglas (BASIC INSTINCT, FALLING DOWN), Nick Grillo (YOUNGBLOOD, GODS & GENERALS), Udi Nedivi (BLOOD RUN, SUPER 8), and Rick Bieber (FLATLINERS, DOUBLE IMPACT). Stunt coordinated by Paul Baxley (ACTION JACKSON, PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE, DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER), with some stunts by Al Leong (LETHAL WEAPON, DIE HARD).
Tag-line: "He'll burn you cold."
Best one-liner: "This reminds me of my father's last words: 'Don't son, that gun is loaded!'"

Vast, ominous technological forces seem to have aligned against your experiencing my recommendation of STONE COLD until today. But that's just fine. STONE COLD can wait. It's capable of "burning you cold," anytime, anywhere.

Allow me to paint you a vivid picture. Imagine if a freak industrial accident resulted in the unholy fusion of COBRA, ROAD HOUSE, and DEATH WISH 3 into one movie. Now imagine that this movie is written and directed by ZZ Top in a parallel universe where they went to film school instead of recording hit songs like "Tush." Now imagine that it stars ex-NFLer-turned-thespian Brian "The Boz" Bosworth, and you have a rudimentary concept of what the STONE COLD experience is like.

Let me put it this way– within the first five minutes of this film, we have Ritz crackers getting machine-gunned to hell,


a poor man's Tom Cruise taking a girl with massive orthodontia hostage and telling her to keep quiet, "TINSEL TEETH!",

we have The Boz (clad in a leather-fetish-wear version of Sherlock Holmes' jacket-cape and possessing an incredible two-tone, wavy-molded mullet) calmly shopping for bananas,

then the bad guys taken care of by The Boz with the aid of several random grocery items (including vegetable oil, pastries, and canned goods), followed by a one-liner about a "clean-up in aisle four,"

a completely ludicrous "bikers behaving badly" montage, whereupon William Forsythe gets William Tell'd and basks in the pinwheeling glory of gun-blasted beer foam,

I'm sure I could come up with a one-liner about too much head in the beer or something, but incidentally, this is only way that Forsythe imbibes, on or off a set.

followed by Forsythe pulling the same trick on another biker with an Uzi, a crazed act which results in a random car explosion and glorious peals of frenzied Forsythe laughter– no sir, this is not garden variety lunacy.

Oh yeah, and in case you've forgotten, I'm still working on the rundown of "things that happen within the first five minutes of STONE COLD." Finally, we're treated to the following tableau, that of a shotgun-toting biker who looks like a Dick Tracy villain

crashing the party at a baptism and blowing away the Reverend

who flies backward twenty feet, through a stained-glass window, revealing an army of bikers, poised to take over the US of A, one defenseless pastor at a time.

Why, you ask? Hmmm... Well, you know what, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that your mind isn't even capable of asking 'why' at this point– there is literally so much shit happening, you're liable to bust a synapse or risk an aneurysm if you try to do anything except allow the glory of STONE COLD to wash over you.

So let's talk about "The Boz." I'm reasonably certain that no one has ever risked brain injury while contemplating "The Boz." "The Boz" plays one tough cop who's on suspension for, typically, being too good at his job. But while the dangerous biker gang/army/nation The Brotherhood roams the American Southeast, no one is safe. Before you can say "You've logged more biker-related arrests than any other officer in Alabama," "The Boz" is recruited by the FBI,

who are represented as a bunch of square-headed pencil-necks who definitely aren't cool or tuff enuff to infiltrate a dangerous biker gang on their own. Now The Boz's acting expertise lies somewhere between "child excited to be starring in a home movie" and "Rowdy Roddy Piper," and as far as I'm concerned, that's a good thing. You can sense a genuine, babyish excitement beneath everything that he does: he is damn happy to be in this movie, and consequently, you are damn happy to be watching him.

BEHOLD: The Boz constructing a zany milkshake out of bananas, candy bars, and random bric-a-brac

So that's what the bananas were for!

which he feeds to his pet Komodo dragon! And, of course, he does it all in macabre exercise-wear perhaps purloined from the set of PERFECT.


GAZE UPON: Lance Henriksen's performance as "Chains," the master of The Brotherhood. "Chains" should probably have gone by the name of "Chuckles" because the ratio of Lance Henriksen giggling malevolently to that of Lance Henriksen beating people with chains is approximately eight-hundred thousand to zero.

Seriously, Chains' main character trait is indeed to react to nearly everything with near-psychotic glee and the accompanying degree of bemused chuckling. Lance, naturally, manages to make this work beautifully, and delivers another nuanced, genuine, scary-good performance.

Highlights include Lance's secret biker handshake, soon followed by the threat to "peel your skin off with a knife dipped in shit!"

Lance laying waste to a courtroom while wearing a priest's cassock (which naturally makes me think of Rutger Hauer's priest disguises in SURVIVING THE GAME and WEDLOCK),

and use of priceless, well-delivered Henriksen one-liners such as "TAKE THAT FUCKEN HARMONICA DOWN THE PARKING LOT, MAN!!!" and "WELCOME TO MY SLAUGHTERHOUSE!"


SEE: William Forsythe in rare form (though not quite eclipsing his no-holds-barred portrayal in OUT FOR JUSTICE), brawling like a nut-kicking madman,

and calling out The Boz for what he is:


BE SUBJECTED TO: Involuntary and generally shameful personal displays of head-banging, courtesy of a soundtrack featuring selections by "Saigon Kick," "Wire Train", "Cryer," "Martin Block," and sweet God in heaven, "The Doobie Brothers."

BEAR WITNESS TO: More unnecessary biker lady nudity per capita than in any comparable film, nearly as many senseless car explosions as in DEATH WISH 3, a club named "Club Salsa" (shades of Club...SALSA?), a man flinging a switchblade into the buttcheeks of a pin-up photo...of buttcheeks, bikers showering a fallen comrade in Jack Daniels and Domino's pizza; and a man shot off of a motorcycle as he rides through a marble colonnade in the hallway of a statehouse building, whereupon the motorcycle flies out the window and takes out a helicopter, which falls to its fiery death and explodes some vehicles on the ground.

Yes, this is a five star movie, and yes, I will defend this ruling to the death. I never knew I could be burned so cold.

-Sean Gill

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Film Review: BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986, John Carpenter)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 99 minutes.
Tag-line: "Adventure doesn't come any bigger!"
Notable Cast or Crew: Written by Gary Goldman (TOTAL RECALL, NAVY SEALS) & David Z. Weinstein, and transformed and adapted by W.D. Richter (HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS '78). Starring Kurt Russell, Kim Cattrall, Dennis Dun (YEAR OF THE DRAGON, THE LAST EMPEROR), James Hong (BLADE RUNNER, CHINATOWN), Victor Wong (TREMORS, 3 NINJAS), Kate Burton (THE ICE STORM, UNFAITHFUL), Donald Li (ONE CRAZY SUMMER, MEMOIRS OF AN INVISIBLE MAN), Carter Wong (HARDCASE AND FIST, COUNTDOWN TO KUNG FU), Peter Kwong (GLEAMING THE CUBE, BRAIN SMASHER- A LOVE STORY), James Pax (INVASION U.S.A., KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS), Al Leong (the ubiquitous henchman from everything). Cinematography by Dean Cundey (THE THING, BACK TO THE FUTURE, JURASSIC PARK, D.C. CAB).
Best one-liner: "This is gonna take crackerjack timing, Wang."

"Son of a bitch must pay!" John Carpenter was on a serious hot streak in the 1980's- his output (THE THING, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, THEY LIVE, et al.), in my opinion, stands tall alongside a decade's worth of work from any comparable director. I've no idea why, but very few post-1970 filmmakers saw it fit to take up the mantle of Howard Hawks- delivering action-packed, immaculately constructed character-driven films for men's men (and where the ladies pulled no punches, either)... but John Carpenter was one of 'em (Walter Hill being a notable other), and, consequently, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA is a goddamned blast. It's all about sliding down a fireman's pole and ending up in the ancient Chinese underworld:

It's about that brief, ecstatic feeling of invulnerability after swigging the contents of the six-demon bag:

It's about roaring down the highway in the Freightliner called the Pork Chop Express, delivering lovably pompous CB radio monologues to no one in particular, and chomping from a ham sammy that’s bigger’n yer head.

It's about THIS:




But, in the end, it's mostly about this:

In short, it’s about the exhilaration of being ALIVE in a world of unfathomable mystery. “Have ya paid your dues, Jack?– Yessir, the check is in the mail.” Unfortunately, the studio didn't know how to market this kooky hodgepodge of kung fu, sorcery, cockiness, and rapid-fire banter, and it resulted in commercial failure (and Carpenter wishing to abandon the world of high pressure and even higher budgets). Lucky for us all, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA received a new lease on life on videocassette, and, for the initiated, remains a beloved cult hit.

It succeeds for me because it never feels the need to go "wink and nod," to establish itself as 'above' its material. Clearly Carpy loves this shit, full-tilt: kung fu, Hawks, John Wayne, all of it. And in transmitting the spirit of films past, he never loses the boyish excitement which drew him to them in the first place. Who has any use for a kung fu 'spoof' in a world where BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA exists? The fun Carpenter is having is genuine, and it is infectious. I may even go as far as to say that it may be the greatest "beer, pizza, and friends" film ever made. [Carpenter even goes further in showing the hell of a time he's having by having the Coupe de Villes (a band comprised of he and his filmmaking buddies Tommy Lee Wallace and Nick Castle) jam over the end credits with the balls-to-the-wall musical brilliance that is "Big Trouble (in Little China)," which may very well be the subject of a forthcoming music review.]





With a sleek, sharp, and funny script courtesy of eclectic screenwriting maestro W.D. Richter (adapted and updated from the screenplay to a Western by Gary Goldman and David Z. Weinstein) and lighthearted, old Hollywood-style direction from Carpy, Kurt Russell is free to step in and create a larger-than-life character (Jack Burton) who’s as ineffectual as he is badass; as impotent as he is lovable.

He’s John Wayne for an era where posturing and pretense mean everything, but when it comes to ACTION, – um, uh...what? Watch Russell as his faux-macho persona comes to grips with his initial inability to work a gun- and the subtle glimmer of panic in his eyes as he blasts his first henchman.

He's a runaway train of swagger, guts, and bluster who generally serves as a massive distraction while his "sidekick" (Dennis Dun's Wang Chi) actually gets shit done. Many have posited that though he's the main character, Jack Burton is actually Wang Chi's sidekick, which isn't a stretch of the imagination by any means. But you never tire of Russell's manically youthful cackle, or his proclivity toward moaning "Awwwwww, CHRIST!"

I love this movie. I love 80’s lightning effects.

I love the fact that the millennia-old Lo Pan’s demonic lair is totally decked out in neon and escalators.


I love the walleyed, hunchback'd, limpin', Chewbacca-lookin' creature who kidnaps Kim Cattrall.




I love the gangs who have apparently escaped from the set of a Golan-Globus flick.


I love the likably off-kilter performance of Victor Wong, who maintains dignity and authority in the midst of laser beams, slapstick, and rubbery varmints.


I love Jack Burton's ill-conceived act of subterfuge which allows us one final glimpse of Russell's charlatan, "Rudy Russo" from USED CARS.


I love the inventive, pre-CGI monsters

and the man who gets so pissed off, he literally explodes.

But ultimately, it’s the bonds of friendship, tempered by experience (“We really shook the pillars of heaven, didn’t we, Wang?”), that are the measure of the human experience.


I know Hawks would be proud.

-Sean Gill

Junta Juleil's Summer '10 Movie Series
1. HELL IN THE PACIFIC (1968, John Boorman)
2. KUFFS (1992, Bruce A. Evans)
3. THE OUTFIT (1973, John Flynn)

4. FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY (1981, Eddie Nicart)

5. A*P*E (1976, Paul Leder)

6. BLIND FURY (1989, Philip Noyce)
7. HIS KIND OF WOMAN (1951, John Farrow)
8. HIGH SCHOOL U.S.A. (1983, Rod Amateau)
9. DR. JEKYLL AND MS. HYDE (1995, David Price)
10. MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL (1997, Clint Eastwood)
11. 1990: BRONX WARRIORS (1982, Enzo G. Castellari)
12. FALLING DOWN (1993, Joel Schumacher)
13. TOURIST TRAP (1979, David Schmoeller)
14. THE THREE MUSKETEERS (1973, Richard Lester)
15. BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986, John Carpenter)
16. ...

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Film Review: RUNNING SCARED (1986, Peter Hyams)

Stars: 3.7 of 5.

Running Time: 107 minutes.

Tag-line: "Two of Chicago's Finest?"

Notable Cast or Crew: Gregory Hines (THE COTTON CLUB, WOLFEN), Billy Crystal (CITY SLICKERS II: THE LEGEND OF CURLY'S GOLD), Jimmy Smits (THE BELIEVERS, PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE, DEXTER), Steven Bauer (RAISING CAIN, SCARFACE), Darlanne Fluegel (TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A., BULLETPROOF), Joe Pantoliano (THE MATRIX, RISKY BUSINESS), Dan Hedaya (BLOOD SIMPLE, COMMANDO, MULHOLLAND DR.), Jon Gries (TERRORVISION, JOYSTICKS, Roger Linus on TV's LOST).

Best one-liner: "Excuse me, we're from Noisebusters. Do you know where the Menudo concert is?"

There's a rich history of buddy cop movies. Now while these movies, from time to time, tend to get a little zany, they generally remain well-entrenched in the crime genre. But allow me to make a distinction- there's also a rich history of ZANY buddy cop movies. While the initial emergence may have been earlier, I'll say that the subgenre really came into its own in 1974, which saw the releases of FREEBIE AND THE BEAN and Hyams' own BUSTING. And, boy, were they zany. But they were gritty, too. And it's to this tradition that RUNNING SCARED belongs. This is the sort of movie where Gregory Hines has occasion to howl "We lost the suspect, our car, our keys, our PANTS!" and in a nutshell, that's all you need to know. Are there gonna be two whacky buddies with little respect for authority?

Is there gonna be a harebrained scheme to win back a lost love? Is there gonna be a supervisor who thinks they should stick to procedure and stop acting like a couple of loose cannons? Is there gonna be a no-nonsense villain who's less than entertained by their crime-bustin' antics and decides to raise the stakes till shit gets real?

Don't ask questions you already know the answers to. All the answers you need are in "We lost the suspect, our car, our keys, our PANTS!"

Gregory Hines and Billy Crystal are our two Chicago nutballs. They're the kinds of cops who wear sports jerseys all the time and are always ducking into ladies' restrooms to avoid well-deserved subpoenas. They've got a gadget-makin' man named Ace (played by Larry Hankin) who's basically the Q to their collective, kooky James Bond. Their boss, Dan Hedaya, has got a bug up his ass and an extremely low tolerance for guys who think they're real cowboys.

Crystal and Hines do a lot of cracking wise, sock a lot of crooks in the face, and nurture their bad attitudes like hobos tending to a garbage can flame. And am I the only one who thinks that back in the 80's when they were doing a lot of those socially insensitive one-joke comedies, they should've done one where Gregory Hines and Vincent Schiavelli played separated at birth brothers, maybe in some bizarre mash-up of TWINS, SOUL MAN, and THE JERK?

Annnyway, the plot is this: after their latest maverick-style hijinks screw up a long-running undercover operation (run by Steven Bauer and Jon Gries), supervisor Hedaya says "You're on vacation... effective NOW!!!" Luckily for Hines and Crystal, one of those subpoenas that couldn't be avoided turned out to be a notice that Crystal had come into some money, which leads to a soothing holiday in the Florida Keys. As they say, "If there's anything worse than dyin' young, it's dyin' young with money in the bank." Without warning, Michael McDonald's "Sweet Freedom" accompanies a montage of sailing, relaxation, and our well-oiled heroes feeding each other beers.

Yep, down in Florida, they find a fixer-upper, some roller skates, and a sense of purpose.

I don't know how clear it is from this screencap, but, yes, that is a high-five.

But the windy city's not done with them yet. They have two loose ends to tie up- A. Crystal must win back his ex, Darlanne Fluegel (who's literally blanketed in a sea of flannel) and B. They have to settle the score with Jimmy Smits, who seeks to be "the first Spanish godfather of Chicago."

Along the way, there's a chase on the EL track (trying to outdo THE FRENCH CONNECTION?),

a tattoo parlor torture session, Billy Crystal gets to pretend to be an old man watching Jeopardy, and in one well-choreographed scene, our heroes' car is snared and lowered into a garbage truck.

The performances are a cut above the norm, and astoundingly so when compared to the state of the whacky cop genre today. Joe Pantoliano gets a nice supporting role as a cheap crook with a shock of red hair and a lot of smartass comebacks,

and Jon Gries begins to transition from his early typecasting phase (as a crazed, leather-and-stud-encrusted metal fan, like in JOYSTICKS and TERRORVISION) to his later typecasting phase (as a middle-aged asshole, like in NAPOLEON DYNAMITE).

Just the kind of asshole who'd put his feet up on your desk.

Al Leong, aka 'the quintessential 80's henchman,' even makes an uncredited appearance as, you guessed it- a henchman. (Also seen in DIE HARD, LETHAL WEAPON, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, ACTION JACKSON, MY SCIENCE PROJECT, and THE A-TEAM.)

Jimmy Smits, however, nearly steals the whole damn show. I've said it before, and I'll say it again- Jimmy Smits one of the most criminally underrated actors working today. And don't arch your eyebrows like that- sure he was in THE TOMMYKNOCKERS and sure he was in the STAR WARS prequels, but he was having a blast. He showed up on DEXTER Season 3 and was so damn good, they nearly renamed the show 'MIGUEL.' He uses physicality and a complete connectedness to the material in order to perfectly manipulate the art of acting for the screen- he makes it intimate, and he gets in your face- similar in technique to my favorite scary Dutchman, Rutger Hauer. When he's the villain, you'll be ducking under your couch. He even gets to applaud our heroes with a seething, evil golf clap.

JIMMY SMITS WILL GIVE YOU INSINCERE POSITIVE FEEDBACK

In all, it's predictable, clichéd, and kiiinda stupid, but the old-Hollywood style workmanship, likably talented actors, and absurd Michael McDonald montage push this thing to nearly four stars.

-Sean Gill

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