Television Review: THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE (2005, John Putch)

Stars: 1.5 of 5.
Running Time: 174 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Rutger Hauer, Steve Guttenberg, Adam Baldwin (FULL METAL JACKET, D.C. CAB), Bryan Brown (COCKTAIL, F/X), Peter Weller (NAKED LUNCH, ROBOCOP), Alex Kingston (CROUPIER, Dr. Corday on ER), C. Thomas Howell (THE HITCHER, RED DAWN, SOUL MAN), Nathalie Boltt (DISTRICT 9, DOOMSDAY), Peter Dobson (THE FRIGHTENERS, LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN). Directed by John Putch (THE BOY WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS), screenplay by Bryce Zabel (MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION).
Tag-lines: "THE GREATEST DANGER IS ALREADY ON BOARD"
Best one-liner: "How do you celebrate saving nine people when thousands have died?"

How did it come to this? How did it come to watching a Hallmark original movie with a running time of nearly three hours on a Saturday night which I had not previously reserved for such self-flagellation? Well, I'll give you a reason: Rutger Hauer. You want another one? You got it: Peter Weller. Thirsty for more? Hang onto your hats: Steve Guttenberg. Bryan Brown. C. Thomas Howell. That's right- this movie is a late-career pit stop for the luminaries who helped bring us BLADE RUNNER. ROBOCOP. COCKTAIL. THREE MEN AND A BABY. SOUL MAN. It's a reunion for the two leads of THE HITCHER, an excuse to show us how much the Gute's been working out, and an opportunity for Bryan Brown to down a couple Singapore Slings and get paid for it (except there's no Hippy-hippy Shake or Tom Cruise wing-manning this time around).

A remake of the 1972 disaster classic (starring Gene Hackman and Shelley Winters, among others) which chronicled the overturning of a doomed ocean liner and the attempts of the survivors to escape, Hallmark's 2005 POSEIDON ADVENTURE does not disappoint. Oh wait- yes, it does. Despite the staggering talent lined up before the camera, the film manages only to be an awkward shitstorm of bad CGI, unbearable bit players, cumbersome writing, intolerable pacing, and bungled set-pieces which only serve to remind the viewer of the superiority of the original, a film held together by that incredible human glue called Ernest Borgnine.

Such a film as this does not deserve a coherent review, so I shall offer some semi-articulate stream-of-consciousness ramblings that we can pretend are well-organized speaking points. After all, I just pretended that Hallmark's POSEIDON ADVENTURE was a real movie, so if we all just go through the motions, perhaps we can salvage some of C. Thomas Howell's dignity.

A few observations on Hallmark's POSEIDON ADVENTURE:

1. The POSEIDON itself. Now, I'm not even going to get into how, in this version, it's terrorists and not a tidal wave that flips the infamous ship, but let's give some thought to a cruise ship that's all CGI, all the time. Not just when it's sinking or flipping over or exploding... all the time.

Note CGI moon.


AHHHHHHH

Was stock footage of a cruise ship that hard to find? Or even shooting new footage of an actual cruise ship? I'm having a rough time coming to grips with the fact that it's apparently easier to book Rutger Hauer than it is to find stock footage of a cruise ship. Although it gives renewed hope to my dream that Rutger Hauer will one day host a screening of BLIND FURY in my apartment.

2. Adam Baldwin. He played 'Animal Mother' in FULL METAL JACKET with a twisted joie de vivre that was so memorable, I would go as far as to say that the name "Animal Mother" is more recognizable than "Adam 'no, not one of those Baldwins' Baldwin."

Playing some sort of anti-terrorist agent, he wanders around the ship scowling with intensity, mumbling about "terroristic activities in this hemisphere," and growling lines like "Everything's safe till it isn't!" He- like most everyone else in the film- is giving it his best shot, but without trying toooo hard. I'm imagining a conversation between Baldwin and maybe a gaffer dude at the craft services table...

Baldwin: "You know... I worked with Kubrick."
Gaffer: "Oh yeh?"
Baldwin: "He took me aside once, and said, 'Adam...the art of film acting is in–"
Gaffer: "Could you please not double-dip your celery?"
Baldwin: "Sorry, didn't realize that Ranch was communal."
Gaffer: "Do you think you could get me Alec's autograph?"
Baldwin: "..."

3. There may be no Borgnine this time around, but there is an annoying kid with a video camera.


How is that a trade-off? Why you gotta do that, Hallmark POSEIDON ADVENTURE? Haven't we suffered enough already? Everybody hates that device in a movie when somebody whips out a video camera and then we see 'Video POV' - generally just the •REC logo slapped on the image, which doesn't actually look like any real camcorder's viewfinder anyway. Also, everybody hates annoying kids. So the combination of the two is certainly volatile. You played with fire, Hallmark POSEIDON ADVENTURE. You played with fire, and you got burned. (More on that later.) Even a good movie could have been ruined by this.

4. The ill-conceived "Sea Pass" sequence, whereupon the major players are introduced by their snazzy Photoshopped Poseidon I.D.s...

...no further comment.

5. 'Gute the sex bomb.

Maybe my memory's a little fuzzy, but I don't remember in POLICE ACADEMY or in THREE MEN AND A BABY or even in THREE MEN AND A LITTLE LADY the Gute getting naked more often than Keitel. I think it's a recent development. And I shall not judge: I mean, the dude has been working out a lot, apparently. So he gets a quasi-erotic massage from a lady who's not his harpy wife,

which leads to the two of them in flagrante delicto when the POSEIDON flips. He puts some clothes on to escape, and lo and behold, a sleeve immediately tears, revealing Gute bicep action.

It goes past the point of 'the director had a crush on the Gute' to 'it was probably in the Gute's contract.' And so the Gute joins the ranks of Keitel and Dafoe, which for some reason has me pondering how different ANTICHRIST would have turned out had it starred the Gute. More on him and his massagin' floozy in a bit.

6. C. Thomas Howell.


Looking pretty gaunt but still holding up well, I thought I'd be happy to see C. Thomas. E.T. THE OUTSIDERS. RED DAWN. THE HITCHER. SOUL MAN. TANK. The man made the most of the 80's. But something about his presence here depressed me. He does a fine job with his paper-thin character, but I think the disheartening element is how happy he is. He's exuding genuine peppiness. Vim and vigor. He is damned excited to be on set. No one else, not even the twenty-somethings getting their first "break" by appearing in this film are that excited. This is a Hallmark production. C. Thomas, you've appeared in enough quality pictures in your lifetime, that even if you're not at the top of the A-list these days, you should kind of be phoning it in for a Hallmark movie. Rutger Hauer is mailing it in, for godssakes (more on that later).

7. But how great is it to have Rutger Hauer and C. Thomas Howell chowing down at the same table for the first time since that diner in THE HITCHER.


According to the DVD bonus interviews, Howell said that "it was great to reconnect with Rutger." He also says "Hallmark stories are from the heart." I say he was still probably as scared shitless of Rutger as he was the first time around. Anyway, on a semi-related note, I'm pretty sure that this makes me the first person to actually indulge in THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE's bonus features.

8. Rutger, Rutger, Rutger.

I see you. I see you recoiling in horror at this movie. You know you're in the Gene Hackman role, and you know he played the part with a selfless ferocity that was downright electric. I know you know that you could pull it off, too. I also know that you know that you're in a Hallmark movie. And you know that I know that you're in a Hallmark movie. And we both know that you're phoning it in, and we both know that there's nothing else you can do. Fade into the background and hope people mistake you for the wallpaper. Live to act another day. In something like HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN. You are the true survivalist, Rutger. I salute you.

9. Peter Weller. Donning Grandma glasses and a captain's uniform, he plays his brief role with a soft-spoken old-Hollywood-style charm which sort of recalls, say, Fred Astaire?

He's solid enough, and doesn't wear out his welcome. But even if he were terrible, I don't think I could ever say anything bad about Peter Weller.

10. Bryan Brown, playing a Simon Cowell-esque celebrity.

You could say, "I bet it was easy for him to play the part, because he is a celebrity." But then I would ask you, "When was the last time I made a 'Rollie' Tyler reference and somebody knew what the hell I was talking about?" Regardless, Bryan Brown's always a lot of fun to watch, and I though I don't actually think he was wasted for the duration, I'd still prefer to think so. His character's got a young French wifey (Tinarie Van Wyk-Loots) who presents two problems for us:

#1. Her fake French accent is horrible, and #2. We have to listen to her overproduced, intolerable singing voice. I 'get' that it's a nod to "The Morning After" (the Oscar-winning song from the original POSEIDON), but that don't make it hurt any less.

11. Alex Kingston. I'm a big Kingston fan because of her role as Dr. Corday on ER, where she embodied that elusive combination of classy charm and smart-ass smarm.

Here, she's required to furrow her brow, look at a radar screen, and mutter shoddy faux-sincere dialogue. I hope she bought herself something nice with her paycheck.

12. THE MAW OF CGI FLAMES!!!

In goes the terrorist! Boo! Hiss!

Then, in a semi-shocking series of extremely judgmental events- in goes the massagin' floozy!


That'll teach ya, ya chippy! Mess around with a married man and you can taste the flames of the CGI inferno! Thank you, Hallmark. If you had let her live, the very values systems which guide our lives may have been tarnished.

I can't write any more about this. And because I can't quite focus on driving my points home, I'm afraid that it may leave you with the impression that Hallmark's POSEIDON ADVENTURE is not quite as bad as it actually is. It is bad. It is very bad. And it is three hours long. Hold that in your heart, and go forth.

-Sean Gill

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Film Review: THE HITCHER (1986, Robert Harmon)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 97 minutes.
Tag-line: "Out on the desert highway, the rule of thumb has a different meaning..."
Notable Cast or Crew: Written by Eric Red (NEAR DARK, BLUE STEEL, BODY PARTS). Starring Rutger Hauer, C. Thomas Howell, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Jeffrey DeMunn (THE BLOB '88, THE MIST). Cinematography by John Seale (WITNESS, THE FIRM, THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY).
Best one-liner: "How do you like 'Shitsville'?" Well, it's way better when Rutger Hauer says it.

Well, it's Earth Day. And it only seems right- although it certainly was unplanned- for it to coincide with Rutger Hauer week, with Hauer being an outspoken advocate of animal rights and conservationism, amongst other noble aims. [In fact, as of this moment, Rutger's putting forth an effort to secure the release of unduly imprisoned New Zealander whale rights champion Captain Pete Bethune, which you should check out.] Regardless, on this Earth Day, I shall discuss a film where Rutger Hauer's mere presence leads to the wholesale destruction of half the cars and helicopters in the Southwest (maybe he wanted to reduce greenhouse gas emissions?).

THE HITCHER flirts with genius... then it blows up some helicopters. It's as if John Woo remade THE WRONG MAN. But, in a way, that's why I like it. It's a paranoid western, a Hitchcockian road movie, a highway slasher, and a balls-out shoot 'em up. On the one hand, we have slick visuals, a spine-chilling villain, desolate locales, an encroaching aura of suspense; on the other, we've got confusing plot twists, unfathomable character motivations, the stilted offscreen death of a main character, and more car wrecks than USED CARS and THE BLUES BROTHERS put together. It's abundantly clear that Robert Harmon and Eric Red did not set out to make an art film- more likely they wanted the equivalent of an action-packed, feature length TWILIGHT ZONE episode, a pursuit at which they succeed. However, there's one variable that I don't think they could have predicted- the extent to which Rutger Hauer would transform the film into his own personal, claustrophobic, homoerotic hell ride.

Rutger Hauer is in your car. Rutger Hauer is in your face.
In fact, he's not just in your face, he's IN YOUR EYE.

He's relentless. As the enigmatic John "Ryder," he roams and rules the highways with windswept, chilly puissance. He's basically omniscient, invulnerable, and possesses the ability to POP UP RIGHT WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. Maybe he's Satan? God? It doesn't matter. You believe every second of it. He's Roy Batty, for godssakes.

The poor sap who he's tormenting is played by C. Thomas 'Ponyboy' Howell. (Or, as some like to call him, C. Thomas 'Soul Man' Howell). Howell begins as a fresh-faced goofus who thinks it's a good idea to pick up Rutger Hauer on a dark and stormy night. He slowly transforms (by necessity) into a mucky, dust-covered, single-minded barbarian (I was reminded of Caleb's similar metamorphosis in Red's vampire western, NEAR DARK). Along the way, he meets up with disaffected waitress Jennifer Jason Leigh (fresh off of FLESH + BLOOD with Rutger)

and good-hearted but often confused cop, played by Jeffrey DeMunn. They're both excellent, and insert some much-needed pathos in a film dominated by merciless man versus man action.

This movie is ridiculous. There's more mind-boggling "cat and mouse" reversals and confrontations in the first 20 minutes than in the entirety of your average thriller. I mean, you're about to see a film of this kind and you can pretty much predict that a gas station will erupt into an inferno of blazing detonations and wondrous Hollywood FX. That's a given. Most pictures would save it for the final act. THE HITCHER lays it down at about the 23 minute mark- because that's just the sort of movie that it is.

We're even entreated to the haunting image of a car streaking away from said explosion, its hood swathed in flames. The cinematography, by John Seale, is astounding. Desert storms, deep blue skies, darkness and illumination; flaring headlamps, polarized landscapes, and warm roadside diners.



But the meat and potatoes of this film are clearly the whirling dances of death between Hauer and Howell. Emphasis on 'dances.' "There's something strange going on between the two of you," says the good-spirited Captain DeMunn. Wow, you said it. Now, apparently, C. Thomas became extremely afraid of Rutger Hauer for real during the shooting of this film. It's not hard to see why. Hauer transforms every interaction between himself and Howell into a theoretical hotbed of sadism, savagery, and primal sexual desires. Every time Hauer is near, you can tell that he's intently thinking about kissing C. Thomas, then maybe about snapping his neck afterward.

Hauer is so deeply entrenched in the character, that he knows which buttons to press to make C. Thomas actually uncomfortable. C. Thomas knows that a hateful yet passionate kiss is not is the script, but when somebody as absolutely committed as Rutger is around, da script don't mean shit.



Don't worry, C. Thomas, he was just leaning in to cryptically put pennies on your eyes... this time.

Later, C. Thomas and Rutger inexplicably hold hands.

C. Thomas diffuses the tension by spitting in Rutger's face. Rutger equalizes the power dynamic by LOVING IT.


Then he plays with the spit for a few unnerving moments- lets it roll down his fingers. Cradles it. Like a baby. Conserves it like a precious resource (for Earth Day?).

Now let's see here- who won the Oscar that year? Best Actor was Paul Newman for THE COLOR OF MONEY. I guess I'm not gonna begrudge Paul Newman anything. Best supporting actor was Michael Caine for HANNAH AND HER SISTERS. Also nominated was Dennis Hopper for HOOSIERS, because they didn't have the balls to nominate him for BLUE VELVET. Well, here's what should have happened. Cancel all the other awards, and stick Dennis Hopper and Rutger Hauer up on the stage. Let them try and creep each other out for an hour or two, or a year- however long it takes. Whoever wins gets all the awards. Who's with me?

Anyway, this movie also sets the precedent of Rutger Hauer popping out from behind cutesy things that belong to children– a teddy bear is slowly lowered to reveal....RUTGER HAUER.

More on this in a later review...

In closing... wow. Things you should take away from this: Hauer is a genius. Howell is a goofus. Actually, I just like the word 'goofus.' But always, always, always check your french fries. Four stars.

-Sean Gill

Side note: From what I hear, J.D. over at Radiator Heaven has got a big 'ole appreciation of THE HITCHER in the works, so stay tuned...

EDIT: J.D.'s article can be found here.

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