Film Review: DELTA FORCE 2: THE COLOMBIAN CONNECTION (1990, Aaron Norris)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 111 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Chuck Norris (CODE OF SILENCE, MISSING IN ACTION), Billy Drago (THE UNTOUCHABLES, GUNCRAZY), Richard Jaeckel (THE LINEUP, THE DIRTY DOZEN, STARMAN), Mark Margolis (REQUIEM FOR A DREAM, ABSOLUTE POWER), Begonya Plaza (HEARTBREAK RIDGE, 48 HRS.), Paul Perri (FREEWAY, MANHUNTER). Music by Frederic Talgorn (ROBOT JOX, FORTRESS). Written by Lee Reynolds (ALAN QUATERMAIN AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD, WHO AM I?).
Tag-line: "Norris and the force are back!"
Best one-liner: "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
AKA: DELTA FORCE 2: OPERATION STRANGLEHOLD.


DELTA FORCE 2: THE COLOMBIAN CONNECTION– another in a continuing series on run-on sentence/tone poems possibly inspired by William Faulkner and/or Gertrude Stein.

We got the Globus, lost the Golan, but Chuck is back and it's a Cannon film
– a canon film, really–
and that's all that matters, for they say this is a sequel, but a sequel to what? I find myself asking,
Chuck's the only returning actor, he never really has a back-story, and the eponymous DELTA FORCE is never mentioned–
no matter; a Norris is a Norris is a Norris is a Norris as they say

but wait– in this DELTA FORCE, may we heed the ominous warning from the atlas' yellowed, dusty pages...
"HERE THERE BE DRAGOS"

and Dragos there are indeed (we'll call this specimen Billy) and he first appears with a glittery, hooded cape which he twirls and flips with all the grace and aplomb of a Cannon Films wrongdoer
why the cape? you see, it's Carnival in Rio, but
SWEET GOD WATCH OUT FOR THE BLISTERING LEAD WHICH POURS FORTH FROM THE WEAPONS OF THE GANGS OF DANCING-CLOWNS

and now it's war or revenge or whatever you want to call it,
but back in the States some Cannon punks are making a pyramid out of Miller High Life, which is only right, 'cause it's the champagne of beers

and then they start some real trouble, amateurishly manhandling the Chinese restaurant owner and insulting his General Tso's chicken, but they picked the wrong bistro for that manner of tomfoolery since
Norris is a loyal customer and he really knows how to handle men- he's a professional manhandler
and he proceeds to teach a master's course on the appreciation of the finer points of Chinese cuisine


SPLOOOSH right in the fried rice
and then informs the proprietor "Personally Mr. Kwon I think your food is great"

and then we're back in San Carlos
or should I say in San Carlos for the first time (home of Billy Drago, the master drug kingpin),
and even though they have the Columbian flag and the movie is subtitled THE COLUMBIAN CONNECTION, none of this has anything to do with Columbia it's a made-up country called San Carlos so geeze don't get your panties in a bunch

anyway Drago's the sort of drug kingpin who likes to lean back all the way in his carseat if ya know what I mean;
he holds his country in the grip of terror
along with a corrupt General played by Mark Margolis who occasionally exclaims sheer eloquence such as

"SHIT!!!"

anyway Drago rapes and slaughters and murders and has kind of a lavender color scheme in his bedroom

and kills babies and holds Columbia in the grip of terror, whoops I mean San Carlos, and who can stop him, who is man enuff to stop him before he can accomplish his goal of lockin' lips with every last freedom-luvin' hombre in this movie? well, we shall see...we shall see...


but before Billy can caress his next victim, General John P. Ryan is the man with the plan (not Panama, though– San Carlos!)

and he's sort of the same character from RUNAWAY TRAIN, except now he's one of the good guys (I guess?)
and so under John P. Ryan's command (tutelage?), NORRIS busts in, makin' the Drago bust at 20,000 feet on an international flight
and Drago senses weakness

but before they can join the mile-high club,
Chuck tosses his ass outta the plane, just to show that he means business, too

and then nose-dives to save his scummy drug-dealin' hide, (he should have a fair trial, after all) but you will believe a Chuck can fly

but at the trial, justice is re-defined, the 'Drag-ster gets off on a technicality ("Isn't democracy great?"), and
then he kills everyone that Norris has ever cared about, cares about, or ever will care about
and escapes back to San Carlos cause he's just that sort of som'bitch

I mean look at 'im
the toast of the town
wearin' a puff-sleeve blazer he stole off the set of THE GOLDEN GIRLS
that 'ole Bill Drago
the toast of the town

but Chuck vows revenge! extradition treaties be damned
he starts lookin' for love in all the wrong places

C'mere you young tuffs
have you got What It Takes
we gotta out-commando COMMANDO
(that means no underpants)
we gotta outgun TOP GUN
Chuck's montage is all about trainin'
watch him sandblast that adolescent

watch the backward-ram face-jam

(kinda more like SALO than DELTA FORCE 1!)

and now for a little lady Chuck likes to call
the crotch-thrust maneuver
it's not hard to do, he can teach it to you
first you put the head in the crotch,

and then,

well, I guess that's the only step

but ample screentime is devoted to its proper form

so now that Chuck has got What It Takes, it's time to head down to Columb– shit, I do mean San Carlos
don't forget your flask, John P. Ryan!

thank God, sometimes he forgets the flask
but he never forgets his catchphrase..."ALWAYS THE HARD WAY!"

and so Chuck goes all MISSING IN ACTION on the (island? landlocked?) nation and John P. Ryan tools around in a helicopter, shooting off well-proportioned rockets and blasting hot lead into sweaty, South American bodies and shouting sophisticated quotables such as:

"WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

and then the big showdown happens after Chuck defeats the poor man's Al Leong (if you know what that means then allow me to tip my glass to you, sir)
and hoo boy
you don't wanna miss this
Billy Drago catches Chuck in his bedroom
and...
well just watch the video

but then
John P. Ryan comes to blow up his pool

a damn shame, hope the pool boys made it out safely
and we're entreated to a patented whacky rope pull chase

whereupon Chuck n' Bill zip through the rainforest, fighting one another as they dangle from JPR's 'copter
and I gotta say it's my favorite high-speed forest chase since RETURN OF THE JEDI
and I won't say how it ends
but let's just say that Chuck and Johnny P. Ryan keep America safe from Billy Drago makeout sessions so that they can...

...have their own?

-Sean Gill

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Film Review: THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM (1991, Stuart Gordon)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 97 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Lance Henriksen (ALIENS, THE TERMINATOR, NEAR DARK), Mark Margolis (THE WRESTLER, PI), Jeffrey Combs (RE-ANIMATOR, CASTLE FREAK), William J. Norris (brilliant Chicago theater actor), Stephen Lee (WARGAMES, DOLLS, GHOULIES III), Frances Bay (BLUE VELVET, TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME, IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS), Rona de Ricci, Jonathan Fuller (CASTLE FREAK, CAMPFIRE TALES). Music by Richard Band (TERRORVISION, GHOULIES, PUPPET MASTER). Written by Dennis Paoli (RE-ANIMATOR, GHOULIES II, THE DENTIST), and loosely based on some of the writings of Edgar Allen Poe.
Tag-lines: "A bizarre descent into hell from the creator of RE-ANIMATOR."
Best one-liner: "What are you doing here? Why don't you go torture some heretics!"

How's it goin', Full Moon? It's been a long time. Come to torment me with more mediocre, direct-to-video genre cinema, have ye? Come to fool me into thinking I've rented PHANTASM? Cause if I squint my eyes and look at the cover, that's what it looks like. And if I had no idea what talents were involved, I think I'd have to assume- best case scenario- that the film within is something along the lines of 'PUPPET MASTER III meets DRAGONWORLD.' But lo and behold: THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM is a damned solid flick. I mean, it's not quite as good as Dreyer's LA PASSION DE JEANNE D'ARC, but it probably burns at least three times as many heretics, and in blazing Technicolor!

Actually, that was a lie, it just sounded better to say "in blazing Technicolor" than "in a murky 35mm-to-VHS transfer."

Now the first thing that's going to surprise you is the fact that this film appears, in fact, to have a budget of some kind. Estimated to have been made for only two million dollars, I find that to be pretty impressive. I mean, after craft services, extras, airfare, buying location access to a bona fide Italian castle, paying Stuart Gordon, semi-intricate period costuming, complex gore effects, retaining some recognizable actors, building a Pit and a Pendulum out of something sturdier than balsa wood– that seems like it would cost a lot of 1991 dollars. So I'm wondering exactly how much went to Lance Henriksen (to get him to prepare, fly him out, have him act for a few weeks, have him on call in case they need dubbing, pick-ups, etc.)?

It can't have been toooo much, the whole goddamn budget was $2 million. Let's pick an arbitrary figure- let's say that he commanded $150,000: 7.5% of the budget, which I think is a semi-reasonable guess given the costs of everything else. That would be for- let's say 6 weeks of hassle in all. Might have been more, might have been less. Does that mean that if I scraped together $3,500, I could get Lance Henriksen to hang out at my apartment for a day? And that $3,500 is what he'd normally earn for some grueling work- shaving his head into a whacky monk's tonsure, getting whipped, pouring his heart into his work, etc.

So it wouldn't even be demeaning to just hang out with him for half the day, shoot the shit, drink some beers... and then I could reasonably ask him to maybe do some light housework for the second half, maybe he could do some dishes while we discuss SURVIVAL QUEST. Time to start saving, I guess.

What was I talking about? Ah yes, THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM. Gordon and Dennis Paoli weave together the Spanish Inquisition, "The Pit and the Pendulum," "The Cask of Amontillado," "The Premature Burial," and a smattering of other Edgar Allen Poe elements into one big Medieval frenzy of swashbucklery, supernatural horror, and Gothic torture.


The plot concerns two innocents (originally cast as Billy Dee Williams and Sherilyn Fenn!) -

a breadmaker and his pious wife, played by Jonathan Fuller and Rona de Ricci- who are inadvertently swept up into a world of imprisonment, torture, and autos de fé. A gang of terrific character actors comprise the Inquistion, including Lance Henriksen (as Torquemada himself- a part originally intended for Peter O'Toole!), Jeffrey Combs, Mark Margolis (whose old crucifixion wounds are continually fingered by Lance), William J. Norris (who plays the Doctor with Paul Bartel-style flair), and Stephen Lee (who evinces dunderheaded charm). Additionally, they almost seem to directly prefigure the posse of colorful tormentors in Gordon's 2003 KING OF THE ANTS.

Of the crew, Henriksen gets the most screen time and by gum, does he make the most of it. He might be having a ball beneath that bitter, hardened exterior, but you really can't tell. The man looks like he is in genuine, diabolical agony for the duration.

He's not some cardboard cutout Inquisition villain- he's an anguished soul, scourged by his own spiritual hang-ups and ambigious sexual repressions, and he finds his outlet in pure, unfettered, self-serving sadism. He's got a weird SALÓ-style torture peephole and a Sword of Damocles installed in his quarters. He's got a Virgin Mary fetish and a hard-on for gettin' flagellated ("Flog me!"). Gordon's pulling out all the stops and the Catholicism clichés, all the way down to the (Buñuel-inspired?) crucifix dagger.

At one point, he screams, "NO ONE ESCAPES! NO ONE!!!" followed by a nearly endless recitation of "KILL HIMs." He must scream "KILL HIM!!!" about three thousand times in this movie, and every time ya hear it, it's just as fresh as the first time.

There's definitely an element of 'Inquisition-sploitation' to this picture, and when the innocent young maiden is stripped down and scrutinized by these ecclesiastical clowns, Henriksen must react.

What would you have him do, as a director? Go the hackneyed route? Have him twirl a mustache, or giggle lasciviously? Have him lick his lips, or look her up and down with the 'ole pervy once-over? Well, let's see what Lance Henriksen decided on:

Now that is an acting choice, ladies and gentlemen. Look at him. Does he even know they're making a movie? At this point in time, measured by the medium as 1/24th of a second, can we say for sure that there's a difference between Lance Henriksen and Tomás de Torquemada?... It's not for me to say. But goddamn, it's one hell of a performance. And he should have earned the first Oscar nomination to be affiliated with a Full Moon picture.

While not living up to Henriksen's sheer intensity, Jeffrey Combs manages to steal a little bit of the spotlight in his role as Francisco, the Inquisition's resident bookworm. Looking sort of like a Medieval Encyclopedia Brown, Combs is outfitted with a pageboy wig, some spectacles worthy of Mr. Peabody, and a demeanor that seems truly alien to us 21st Centurians.

Allow me to explain: as the film progresses, it becomes clear that Combs studied artwork contemporaneous to the Inquisition and painstakingly emulated the poses found therein. The rigidity, the arm movements, the way he peers into a book or disdainfully regards a potential "witch."

Though it doesn't call for a great deal of movement, it's an extremely physical role, and Combs makes it extremely memorable.

There's a meaty role by Lynch's favorite scary old lady, Frances Bay, as an actual witch captured by the Torquemada.

Bay is guaranteed to bring 'blood-curdlingly off-kilter' and 'adorable old lady' elements to her performances, and her "Esmerelda" here is no exception. She gets tortured, dispenses Obi-Wan Kenobi-style spiritual guidance, sounds off with wacky one-liners, and faces her stake-burning fate with gunpowder-gobbling panache (which leads to an... explosive payoff).

Stephen Lee and Mark Margolis waterboard Frances Bay.


Believe in yourself and you can overcome anything!

Just when you think you've seen it all, the Cardinal arrives to put the kibosh on Torquemada's brutality. I did a spit-take when he arrived, because, much to my surprise, the Cardinal was played by THE DEVILS' own Oliver Reed!!! He stumbles in, par for the course, swigging from a flask and mumbling in an accent that bears some similarity to that of an inebriated Italian chef.

He's all about shutting down Torquemada's operation, giggling somewhat malevolently, and murmuring things like "No-a, I tell you, I have-a de seal of de Pope!" When Torquemada offers him a few snifters from this schweet, aged cask of Amontillado, do you really think that Oliver Reed refuses?

SCHLERP

One thing leads to another, and- well, if you have any familiarity with Poe, you know how it turns out. Suffice it to say that Ollie Reed was- however fleeting- an unexpected pleasure. Full Moon, you continue to surprise me. Anyway, we finally get to that eponymous Pit and Pendulum around an hour and fifteen minutes in, and some satisfying (although fairly predictable) payoffs ensue.

I'm giving this movie four stars. I'm fairly certain it's actually a crime in some states to assign a Full Moon picture a rating such as this, but let's just run with it. For another Full Moon/Stuart Gordon/Jeffrey Combs/literary adaptation that's far better than it has any right to be, check out CASTLE FREAK.

-Sean Gill

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