Film Review: THE SANDPIPER (1965, Vincent Minnelli)

Stars:  2 of 5.
Running Time:  117 minutes.
Tag-line: "She gave men a taste of life that made them hunger for more!"
Notable Cast or Crew:  Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton, Eva Marie Saint, Charles Bronson.  Written by Martin Ransohoff (producer of THE FEARLESS VAMPIRE KILLERS, CATCH-22), Irene Kamp (THE BEGUILED), Louis Kamp (MR. QUILP), Michael Wilson (PLANET OF THE APES, THE BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI), and Dalton Trumbo (SPARTACUS, JOHNNY GOT HIS GUN).
Best One-liner:  "What would you do, in my shoes?"  –"Wear them!"

THE SANDPIPER is a mostly torpid romantic drama featuring star-crossed dipsomaniacs Liz Taylor and Richard Burton being directed by the legendary Technicolor dream-master Vincent Minnelli.  It's got some nice nature photography, but then again, so does ROBOT MONSTER.  So, here's a list of my favorite things that Charles Bronson does in it:

#1.  Bronson is real hip to your jive, daddy-o.  That's right:  Charles Bronson is playing a beatnik.  A loud-mouthed Bohemian-by-way-of-Big-Sur liberated artsy know-it-all.

And check it out, there– he's totally doing the arm motion from the "It's MY car!" scene in DEATH WISH 3!

It's MY car!

Talk about goin' through the rabbit hole:  Bronson's playing the sort of hilariously stereotyped youth-subculture ne'er-do-well that he'd later spend large chunks of the 1970s and 80s gunning down in the street!

#2.  Bronson the sculptor.  So Beatnik Bronson's artistic discipline happens to be sculpture.  And sculpt he does:  specifically, he sculpts a nude wooden Liz Taylor while Richard Burton (playing a lovestruck Reverend) paces around uncomfortably.

Given the context I'm used to seeing Bronson in, this is fairly bizarre and absolutely welcome.  Though it's worth noting that even Bronson's "sensitive artist" is a brawny guy who spends most of the film tangling with and harassing outsiders.

#3.  Bronson, the drug addict.  Being a bongo-n-beret-luvin' Beatnik with loose morals and declining character and grumble, grumble would you believe kids these days grumble, grumble:  Bronson naturally acts like a total dick to the Reverend Richard Burton and starting talking about heroin ("H", to use Bronson's parlance) like it's no big deal and

wondering if God lives inside his hypodermic.  Again, it's amazing in context– twenty years later, he'd be flinging a bag of crack in a dealer's face and saying "How many children have you killed with this shhhhhitttt!" while unleashing a hail of bullets.

#4.  Bronson, Liz Taylor smoocher.   As the film develops, Bronson briefly becomes a sort of romantic rival to Richard Burton, and even sneaks a smooch.

Later, they duke it out and Burton proceeds to kick Bronson's ass

but then Bronson gets back up to have the last word and knocks Burton out.

So there's your schoolyard hypothetical "what would happen if Bronson and Burton had a fistfight?" played out on screen.

#5.  Bronson, the man who leans on things.  If there's anything around to lean on, anything at all, Bronson makes the acting choice... to lean on it.

He is simply a man who leans on things.  I would like to believe that he wasn't just feeling lazy, and that in fact this was a conscious acting choice–  hell, maybe it's Bronson's take on the Beatnik generation:  too namby-pamby to stand up straight on their own, or something.  I don't know.  

Anyway, even all this Bronson greatness (in what amounts to three brief scenes in a nearly two hour movie) can't come close to savin' this weird-n'-jazzy, pre–"Summer of Love" snoozer.  Two stars.

–Sean Gill

Read More

Only now does it occur to me... JUBAL

Only now does it occur to me...  that my lifelong dream to see Charles Bronson throw a table at Ernest Borgnine would one day be realized!

Sheer visual poetry!  And from the freeze-framing, it looks like Bronson is in fact heaving that table across the room, while Borgnine has been replaced by a stunt double.

The movie's pretty good, too– a loose (very loose) retelling of OTHELLO (with Borgnine as Marty– I mean Othello, Rod Steiger as Iago, Valerie French as Desdemona, and Glenn Ford as Cassio),

JUBAL is a beautiful Eastmancolor Western that's tense, well-acted, and bursting with Douglas Sirk-ian melodrama.  It's not quite as good as my other Delmer Daves favorites (DARK PASSAGE and 3:10 TO YUMA), but it's well worth your time (even though Bronson's only in a supporting role).  It's also clear that Sergio Leone was a Delmer Daves fan, and it's funny how many of the film's tableaux are comprised entirely of actors who would go on to work with the Spaghetti Master:

Rod Steiger (DUCK, YOU SUCKER) and henchman Jack Elam (ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST.)

Charles Bronson (even wearing practically the same hat as in ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST) faces off with Steiger.

Read More

Only now does it occur to me... BANANAS

Only now does it occur to me... that Sylvester Stallone could have easily been a DEATH WISH punk!


Near the beginning of BANANAS, Woody Allen's Latin America-regime change-screwball-comedy, our nebbish hero is accosted by two Italian American thugs, one of whom is an extremely young Sylvester Stallone.  (It begins exactly as a scene from DEATH WISH, though that film wouldn't come out for three years.)  He steals a woman's hat and begins molesting an old lady with crutches


when Paul-Kersey-in-training Woody Allen takes the initiative

and tosses their asses off the train.  Of course, as in real life, the subway doors reopen when least expected and/or appreciated

and the Italian Stallion takes his revenge, chasing Allen down the train car to an uncertain fate.  Alas, there is no Bronson.

 

I'm not gonna lie to you– it's the highlight of the film.  Woody Allen's films are often pretty hit or miss for me, and this one hasn't aged too gracefully.  It's Zany with a capital 'Z,' and occasionally is Konsciously Kooky enough make a Benny Hill sketch seem understated.  Still, I say Stallone counts for plenty!

Read More

Charles Bronson, welcome to the Criterion Collection

In a big day for Bronson aficionados, the man finally enters the Criterion Collection via (not as I had hoped, as in Mandom Commercials as a bonus feature on the disc for HOUSE, or as part of a DEATH WISH box set) Delmer Daves' Western JUBAL.  (Also, the irrepressible expression upon painted Ernest Borgnine's face appears to be worth the price of admission alone.)  Pass the chicken!

Read More

RIP, Michael Winner

Michael Winner, a much beloved director here at Junta Juleil, passed away this morning.  

His best-crafted films include the original DEATH WISH, THE SENTINEL, and THE MECHANIC, but I think he'll be most remembered for DEATH WISH 3, the outrageous, incredible Cannon film that reigns over action movie sequels like a benevolent, chicken-loving monarch.  And his legendary multi-film partnerships with giants of cinema Charles Bronson and Oliver Reed shall not be forgotten.  Here's to you, Mr. Winner, here's to exploding juke boxes, mail-order rocket launchers, and dummies plummeting to their doom– your films have made this viewer very happy.  R.I.P.

Read More

Film Review: KINJITE– FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS (1989, J. Lee Thompson)

Stars: 4.5 of 5.

Running Time: 97 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew:  Charles Bronson.  Perry Lopez (CHINATOWN, KELLY'S HEROES), Peggy Lipton (TWIN PEAKS, THE MOD SQUAD), Juan Fernández (BULLETPROOF, SALVADOR, CROCODILE DUNDEE II), Sy Richardson (REPO MAN, THEY LIVE, SID & NANCY), James Pax ("Lightning" in BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA), Nicole Eggert (BAYWATCH, CHARLES IN CHARGE), Bill McKinney (DELIVERANCE, FIRST BLOOD), and Danny Trejo (DESPERADO, MACHETE).  Executive Produced by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus.   Music by Greg De Belles (LAMBADA, LONGTIME COMPANION).  Cinematography by Gideon Porath (DEATH WISH 4, AMERICAN NINJA 2). 

Tag-line: "A cop full of hatred can't work by the book."

Best one-liner:  "I'd like to shove this up your ass, but I don't want to dirty my hands!"


Hey–
 
What the–

Is that a–


Eat your heart out 50 SHADES OF GREY.  This is 50 SHADES OF BRONSON!!!

The ninth out of nine collaborations between Charles Bronson and director J. Lee Thompson, KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS is looked upon by the consensus as ending this colossal cinematic team's output (DEATH WISH 4, MESSENGER OF DEATH, MURPHY'S LAW, THE WHITE BUFFALO, THE EVIL THAT MEN DO, ST. IVES) with a whimper.  I'm here to tell you that, happily, that's not the case.  (And as a side note, I'm kind of impressed that I've now reviewed 7 of the 9– all except CABO BLANCO and 10 TO MIDNIGHT.)

Listen: whaddya want?  Just tell me what you want, and I'll see if we have it.  Try me.  Come on.  You want–


CHEEZ FRIES IN DA FACE?

...You're next!

You want high-kickin' senior citizens?


You want Bronson complaining about "sucking hind tit?"


You want Bronson and Perry Lopez (Nicholson's friendly nemesis on the police force in CHINATOWN!) actin' like cop buddies and walking past a poster of Cannon's... SALSA?


You want sleazy Sy Richardson with a deadened gaze and a jangly woman's earring?


You want Bronson going to sporting events with his daughter and

being spied on by child-kidnapping kiddie-peddlin' pimps
 
as Bronson simultaneously becomes becomes the new 'crush of the moment' for his daughter's best friend?


He is extreme.  What can I say?  Bronson makes quite an impression.
Anyway, we got all this and more forbidden subjects in KINJITE.  But first let's pin this sucker down.  Is it a Public Service Announcement?  A skin flick?  An after-school special?  A gritty revenge movie?  A sitcom pilot?  A Cannon shoot-'em-up?  Is it about race?  Sex?  Culture clash?
The answer to all of these questions of course is... "Yes."

KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS follows a few disparate plot lines which, for the most part, intersect in the most Cannon Film-ish ways possible.  One is the tale of a visiting Japanese businessman played by BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA's "Lightning," James Pax.
 
 He has two daughters who comment on psycho-sexual cultural divides between Japan and America.

And because he saw somebody get away with it on the subway back in Japan, he decides to try some L.A. bus groping on a gal singing the campfire classic, "P is for Party."




Of course, she turns out to be Bronson's daughter:


Now, before you cry "laughable Japan-sploitation" (which you certainly ought to, at some points), I'd like to submit the idea that Pax delivers the most nuanced, ever-'present' performance in the film.  He is fantastic, at points exuding genuine pathos and vulnerability.  He's kind of too good for this movie, if you catch my meaning.

The next plotline is about those kiddie-peddlin' pimps I alluded to earlier.  They're played by Juan "BULLETPROOF" Fernández and Alex Cox-fixture and cult movie legend, Sy Richardson.  Mostly, they drive around by the bus station, trying to pick up wet-behind-the-ears youngsters

for their booming prostitution ring.  Leave it to Cannon films to tackle teenage hustling and the sex trade with the sheer poetry of "rich asshole bandits."  Also: note denim backpack.

Anyway, these two lowlifes eventually kidnap one of Pax's visiting daughters in a scene which veers wildly back and forth between "genuinely disturbing" and "unintentionally hilarious after-school special" but eventually dips into "coke-and-asscrack-fueled softcore music video" territory.  I'd also like to give special nod to Fernández as "Duke", whose ludicrously hateable pimp-napper reaches fey and comic heights, even for a Cannon film.


This leads us to our main plotline:  BRONSON.  Bronson is a multi-dimensional character.  On the one hand, he's racist toward Asian peoples

even as far west as India (!):

but on the other hand, he's just a beleaguered dad

trying to raise a daughter (along with TWIN PEAKS' Peggy Lipton!) in an increasingly complicated world:

the poor guy even has to contend with studs hangin' out in his basement:

on the other other hand, however, Bronson hates something even more than bus-gropin' Asians and daughter-romancin' studs:  PIMPS!


See, we've come full circle.


...BABIES!

It becomes about justice.  It's the only thing Bronson cares about.  I guess that's the only thing that he usually cares about, but here, in his last Cannon hurrah he's prepared to go to extreme lengths to puncture the truth and to penetrate justice.  As to what I'm alluding to, I can show you better than tell you:

For those of you too scared (or scarred!) to finish the clip and for those whose jaws need to be scraped up from the floor with a spatula, that was indeed footage of Bronson seeking revenge against a teen prostitute's john while wielding a dildo and menacingly approaching said john's posterior.

But I think the icing on the cake is truly the fade from the john's screams to Bronson arriving home to the missus and casually announcing, "I don't think I'm going to be able to eat tonight."



And by no means is this the only time that justice involves the jamming of sharp objects into unwilling orifices:

Yes, when Bronson catches up with Fernández's pimp for the first time, he takes the man's expensive wristwatch and, er, well, just see for yourself, in a clip that I have aptly named "Charles Bronson feeds a man a wristwatch faster than he can eat it."

And note that he doesn't "want to dirty my hands," implying that he learned a harsh n' grimy lesson the last time around.

Later, the pursuit of justice involves intimidating a doorman– BY FLINGING A STATUE THROUGH HIS GLASS BOOTH:

and by accidentally (!) flinging Sy Richardson to his death (well, he did kinda deserve it)

which combines Bronson's take-no-prisoners brand of justice with the classic Bronson trope of dummies being flung from great heights.

Regardless, this is all simply a prelude to the veritable orgy of ass-blasting retribution accomplished by Bronson at the hind-end of the film.

Having captured Fernández's pimp for a second time, he dumps him in a federal prison, whereupon he is paraded by gleeful prison guards and run along a gauntlet of possibly the most one-dimensional, hilariously over-the-top prison rapists ever committed to celluloid in a Cannon film or otherwise (including Danny Trejo

who incidentally has "something big and long for you, sweet thing") as Bronson watches with wide-eyed, innocent, old man pleasure, wearing an expression that would certainly befit a grandpa at a pee-wee football game:

You can watch the whole gritty exchange right here and give it the standing ovation that it deserves in the privacy of your own home.

As to those who consider this one of Bronson's worst?  I don't know what to say to you.  I feel as if you don't truly appreciate Bronson's art.   Bronson's sincerity.  Or maybe your buttocks were so tightly and fearfully clenched throughout  that you simply didn't appreciate all the wonderful, spit-take inducing moments and subtle cheez-whiz majesties that awaited you.  A truly astonishing, anally-fixated trashterpiece.  Four-and-a-half-stars.  Just stick 'em wherever.


-Sean Gill

Read More