Film Review: HEAVENLY BODIES (1984, Lawrence Dane)

Stars: 3.75 of 5.
Running Time: 90 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Cynthia Dale (MOONSTRUCK, MY BLOODY VALENTINE), Richard Rebiere (ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING, VISITING HOURS), Walter George Alton (Puma-man in PUMAMAN), Stuart Stone (BABAR, DONNIE DARKO). Music by The Tubes, Sparks, Bonnie Pointer, Dwight Twilley, Joe La Mont (who composed the Martian club music for TOTAL RECALL), and the Boys Brigade. Directed by Lawrence Dane (character actor from OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN, SCANNERS, BRIDE OF CHUCKY). Written by Dane and Ron Base (JESUIT JOE, WHITE LIGHT).
Tag-line: "She's reaching for the top, with everything she's got."
Best one-liner: "Good-bye love handles!"

How does one categorize HEAVENLY BODIES? Is it firm thigh-sploitation co-produced by Playboy? Is it a work of Canadian social realism? Is it a rip-off of FLASHDANCE? Is it a Golan-Globus-style underdog story? Or is it an instructional video designed so that you, too, may have a heavenly body, whether you like it or not! Well, it gives me pleasure to report that HEAVENLY BODIES is, in fact, all of these things.

First and foremost, it's the tale of three gutsy young women who were low on cash and high on enthusiasm. They founded their own aerobics studio in a converted warehouse space and inspired the masses to escape the drudgery of their own sepia-toned existences by dancercising their way to a better life, like so:

Becoming something of a local celebrity, Samantha Blair (Cynthia Dale) is a hard-strivin' single mom and the leader of the outfit.

Perhaps her jubilant face/crotch-thrusting combo was the inspiration for Jamie Lee Curtis' in PERFECT?

She navigates a burgeoning romance with an aerobics-luvin' football player who's all about commitment and adoption.

Things are going pretty well, and Samantha even lands herself a local TV gig, but then the ALL ABOUT EVE claws come out, and she finds herself drawing the ire of a bitchy competitor (Laura Henry) and her sleazy manager played by poor man's Rob Lowe and PUMAMAN star, Walter George Alton.

A corporate takeover and an eviction notice later, Samantha must face off against her nemeses and win back her lease through the contrivance of a catty 'dance till you drop' aerobics marathon, much to the delight of audiences everywhere.

"I have a degree in physical fitness- I was first in my class!"


"How does it feel being an asshole?"

In short, it's the kind of story that's so intense, so specific, so emotional, so searing, that the maker poured his entire creative heart and soul into it. It's a story that only one person on Earth could tell. It's the lone writer/director credit for:

Lawrence Dane, Canadian character actor and part-time aerobics/romance/underdog story enthusiast. And how does he spin his tale? With remarkable economy, kitchen sink realism, and a genuine sense of fun. Say what you will about this film, but it's got a certain joie de vivre- you can tell that everyone involved is having one hell of a time. Combined with a low budget sincerity (which at times reminded me of the superior Canadian tax shelter film, OUTRAGEOUS), it makes for an ultimately likable picture.

It must also be mentioned, as in many films of this type, the same few songs are repeated throughout, again and again and again. This holds especially true in a film whose denouement involves a sweaty, nine-hour dance contest.

"Keep on workin'/Keep on workin'/Keep on workin'/Keep on workin'"


"Breakin' out of prison/Breakin' out of prison/Keep on workin' you can never stop"


"Work you body/Work your body/Work your body/Work your body"


"Out of control/out of control/out of control/out of control"

Simply poetry. Somehow- let's say nearly four stars.

-Sean Gill

Read More

Film Review: OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN (1983, George P. Cosmatos)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 88 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Peter Weller (ROBOCOP, NAKED LUNCH, THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI), Kenneth Welsh (SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD, TWIN PEAKS, PERFECT), Maury Chaykin (TWINS, THE ADJUSTER, DANCES WITH WOLVES), Jennifer Dale (THE ADJUSTER, SUZANNE), Shannon Tweed (HOT DOG THE MOVIE, STEEL JUSTICE, ex-Playboy Playmate, and ex of Gene Simmons), Lawrence Dane (SCANNERS, BRIDE OF CHUCKY), Louis Del Grande (SCANNERS, ATLANTIC CITY). Produced by Pierre David and Claude Héroux (VIDEODROME, SCANNERS, THE BROOD, VISITING HOURS).
Tag-line: "Two forces have claimed the house. Only one will survive."
Best one-liner: "You never said anything about rubber gloves, you boneheaded fart."

It's like MOBY DICK, except instead of Captain Ahab, we have Peter Weller. And instead of a great white whale, we have a giant brown rat. And instead of the high seas, we have a New York apartment building (actually filmed in Montreal). It's a familiar tale. You know- He had it all. The perfect wife. The perfect job. The perfect kid. The perfect home.

Until... a mere rodent made his life into a living hell... a succession of grotesque blightings... an obsession beyond human comprehension...
I suppose, the main lesson here being, 'Don't fuck with a man's brownstone.' And so it's war. Peter Weller is taking this infestation personally.

Needless to say, only one of our two combatants will be left standing. But who? And at what cost?

Helmed by creature-feature conoisseur and ghost-director extraordinaire George Pan Cosmatos (RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II, COBRA, LEVIATHAN, and TOMBSTONE), OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN possesses that strangely sterile, alienating 'Canadian horror' vibe that Cronenberg has used to such great effect in films such as THE FLY, CRASH, and DEAD RINGERS.

Of course, this may have something to do with the producers, Pierre David and Claude Héroux, who produced most of Cronenberg's 70's and 80's output. The atmosphere certainly works: we have man, existing in the carefully constructed steel, glass, and concrete compartments he has created for himself. Tubes and vents ensure proper ventilation and waste disposal. Everything fits within the lines and the walls and the gridlike streets and life is good and– SCHLERP SCHLERP SCHLERP–

Next thing you know, the rat is leaving its creepy little footprints on your coffee table. You know, those terrifying, pink, viscous, semi-translucent, soggy fuckin' paws. It's eating your cereal, knockin' your phone off the hook, leavin' its hairs in your sandwich, playin' your piano, and tryin' to chomp your nuts as you're sittin' on the toilet.

My thoughts exactly, Peter Weller.

Filmed with PHASE IV-style macroscopic photography and hideous attention to detail, OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN dashes headlong into the claustrophic, nasty little world of vermin.

Sewer rat POV.

Peter Weller slowly descends into madness– the rat is one tough customer. Can't trap it. Can't poison it. Can't shoot it. Can't even sic the cat on it. Next thing you know, Pete's talking to the stuffed animals. He's reading MOBY DICK. His day job suffers. It's awesomely clichéd: oh, now he's hitting the bottle.

Next he's sifting through microfiche. He's researching the rat. He's discovering there's 24,000 reported rat bites a year. It's becoming an obsession. He loses touch with co-workers. At a company dinner, he just rattles off facts about rats, much to everyone's chagrin.

Including the chagrin of genius character actor, Kenneth Welsh.

He witnesses the miracle of rat birth. He watches Spencer Tracy in THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA. It's man versus nature versus man versus nature. "This isn't some ordinary rat I'm dealing with. It killed my cat." He screams "You want a war, I'll give you a war!" Weller is great. He's always great. He appears to be wearing the same nerdy glasses he later wears in NAKED LUNCH, and he's unraveling at the seams. There are other characters, I suppose, but this is a one man show.

Before you can say, "It's clobberin' time," Weller has devised a rat-smashing implement that can be best described as an 'atomic bear-trap war-club.'

He's gotten to the point where he just sits in his home. In the dark. Wearing a woolen cap. Clutching his atomic bear-trap war-club. Waiting. Like a coiled spring. Waiting. Ready to snap.
There's a final showdown, of course. It's pretty satisfying. Only one of the two rivals will survive. Who will it be? Our hang-dog urban commando? Our twitchy, disease-spreading, four-legged fiend? Will it be "watch and weep, you furry fucker!" or will it be curtains for the man who thinks of his home as his castle? Well, watch the movie and find out.

Three stars. A fine, crittery, jittery time. Not a classic, but it's one of the best 'man versus rat' movies out there.

-Sean Gill

Read More