Film Review: EYES OF LAURA MARS (1978, Irvin Kershner)

Stars: 3.5 of 5.

Running Time: 104 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew:  Faye Dunaway (NETWORK, BONNIE & CLYDE), Tommy Lee Jones (ROLLING THUNDER, THE PARK IS MINE!), Raul Julia (THE ADDAMS FAMILY, STREET FIGHTER THE MOVIE), Rene Auberjonois (MCCABE AND MRS. MILLER, THE LITTLE MERMAID), Brad Dourif (CHILD'S PLAY, ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST), Darlanne Fluegel (BULLETPROOF, TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A.).  Written by John Carpenter and David Zelag Goodman (STRAW DOGS, LOGAN'S RUN), based on a story by John Carpenter.  Produced by Jon Peters (AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, BATMAN, BATMAN RETURNS).  Cinematography by Victor J. Kemper (DOG DAY AFTERNOON, PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE).  Edited by Michael Kahn (RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, JURASSIC PARK, TRUCK TURNER).  Featuring a soundtrack with selections by Barbara Streisand, Odyssey, KC & the Sunshine Band, Heatwave, and the Michael Zager Band.

Tag-line:  "You can't always believe what you see..."

Best one-liner:  "I'M COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL!"

In familiar, darkened alleyway:

"How about a New York City disco horror-thriller set in the world of high fashion, from the director of THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and written by John Carpenter?"
–"Where do I sign up?!"
"Not so fast, buddy.  It's not quite as good as it sounds."
–"Aw, nuts."
"Well, don't despair, either– it strikes a middle ground."
–"So is it like a proto- HALLOWEEN?"
"Not really.  Carpy and 'Kersh (and co-writer David Zelag Goodman) have definitely taken a page from the giallo playbook on this one.  It's got some psychic phenomena, POV weirdness, and a lot of dreamy, Fulci/early Argento-esque setpieces.  It's got a bit of a sleaze factor to it that's very Eurotrash in flavor– or maybe that's just the 1970s."

–"Didn't you say "disco" earlier?"
"Hell yes, I did– this movie has caught a fever: disco fever.  It's the good old days, the popped collar and flared pants days, the studio 54 days, the gold lamé and mountains of cocaine days, the days when a pop song would have a radio edit that was three minutes, and then a full version that lasts for three hours, packed with harpsichord and oboe solos and all sorts of extraneous material."
–"You're exaggerating."
"Well, maybe, but the definite highlights of this film are the morbid high-fashion montage scenes, set to endless versions of classy disco classics like 'Let's All Chant (Your Body, My Body, Everybody Work Your Body)' by the Michael Zager Band and '(Shake Shake Shake) Shake Your Booty' by KC & the Sunshine Band–


which is to say hilariously insane 70s decadence intercut with supernatural danger and car wrecks and models wearing fanny packs and smacking each other with fur coats."

–"Whuttttt?!"
"Well, let me back up a little bit. Let me give you the background. Our hero is Faye Dunaway, who plays 'Laura Mars,' and she's definitely on the cusp of the mind-blowing melodramatic overselling of the MOMMIE DEAREST era.

She's a high-fashion photographer who's known for her macabre and controversial portraiture

but she's been having visions of her friends being murdered– murders that actually end up happening! Then she's confronted by the police with the fact that her photographs eerily mirror actual crime scenes that have been kept from the public."

–"Sounds kinda like a typical giallo.  So whodunit?"
"Like I'm going to tell you, bub.  But let's look at the rogue's gallery of supporting players.  We got a super-young Raul Julia as her drunken ex-husband and a born screw-up,

we got a delightfully intense Tommy Lee Jones as the detective helping to protect her (and a part-time shag-carpet love interest),

we got Rene Auberjonois (who I always just call Rene Aubergy-bergy-wah) as her delightfully fey manager, rocking well-coiffed 70s hair,

we even got Darlanne Flugel as a model-friend of Laura's,

an actress who later carved out a niche as "the female" throughout a ton of great testosterone-soaked 80s action flicks like BULLETPROOF and RUNNING SCARED and LOCKUP and TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A."
–"That's cool.  I likes me some Darlanne Flug–"
"I'm not finished yet.  Last, and definitely not least, we got Brad Dourif."

–"Hot damn!"
"Yeah, he plays Laura's chauffeur, and as you can see, he has a hard time keeping his eyes on the road.

At one point, he says 'You tryin' to take me to fuckin' Bellevue or what?' and it's kind of amazing because there's definitely a touch of Billy Bibbit from ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST to his performance here."
–"Looks like he's givin' it his all."
"Dourif never gives anything less.  Then, we even got Babs Streisand– sort of.  She sings the title theme without ever appearing in the film, which was a first for her.  It's because she was initially going to play Laura Mars.  She dropped out when it got too 'kinky,' which is to say, 'not kinky at all.'"
–"Well, what's the verdict?  Now I'm just confused."
"On the whole, it's not quite a lost Carpy gem, but kind of a classier precursor to Lucio Fulci's New York Trilogy (ZOMBIE, NEW YORK RIPPER, MANHATTAN BABY).  And hey– that's alright with me.  It's also allegedly the basis by which Lucas hired 'Kersh to do THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, so you might even call it the impetus for the best STAR WARS movie.  Three and a half stars."

–Sean Gill

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Only now does it occur to me... HEAVEN'S GATE

Only now does it occur to me... that I'm not sure if a movie has ever been packed with as many beloved character actors as HEAVEN'S GATE, and I'll even include THE LONGEST DAY, COP LAND, THE EXPENDABLES, THE PLAYER, and MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS in consideration.

There's so much to say about HEAVEN'S GATE.  Probably too much.  From its tumultuous production that basically destroyed United Artists to its hideous reception to its latter-day critical re-evaluation to the Johnson County War on which it is based– one could fill a volume.  (And people have.)  In the end, I'd say it's an ambitious film which flirts with genius, is bogged down by poor pacing, but consistently holds the viewer spellbound with gorgeous Western imagery (courtesy of master cinematographer Vilmos Zsigmond) even when the narrative begins to dawdle. 

So set aside nearly four hours and give it a try– I'd say it's worth the time for the curious, the Western fan, the cinematography aficionado, or the character actor die-hard.  But more on that in a minute.  Then, see FINAL CUT: THE MAKING AND UNMAKING OF HEAVEN'S GATE (available in eight parts on YouTube here), and go ahead and read this interview with Cimino himself for a little taste of the outlandish (and possibly insane) creature who lurks beneath the surface of this genuinely talented and occasionally virtuosic director.

But for now, fasten your seatbelts, and prepare for a whirlwind tour of character actors, the sheer magnitude of whom may even give you whiplash: 

Coming up on the left here is Eastwood crony Geoffrey Lewis (10 TO MIDNIGHT, MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL, DOUBLE IMPACT, BRONCO BILLY, 'SALEM'S LOT, MAVERICK) looking like the live action mountain man version of "Pigpen" from peanuts.

Attached to Geoffrey Lewis is a hand.  And in that hand is a tongue.  And that tongue is attached to...

...Mickey Rourke?  

 

Lookin' pretty young there, Mickey!  Good show.

Down the road a spell is Terry O'Quinn (THE STEPFATHER, BLIND FURY, THE X-FILES, SILVER BULLET, THE ROCKETEER, "John Locke" on LOST)

He's got his hair still, and is playing a baseball-luvin' member of the U.S. Calvary.  In a strange tie-in with his character on LOST, he's got an injured leg and is carrying an important and mysterious "list" of names.

Continuing on with our journey, here's Richard Masur (IT, THE THING, LICENSE TO DRIVE, MR. BOOGEDY, RENT-A-COP, RISKY BUSINESS, MY GIRL)

chomping on a corn cob pipe, giving his all to his colorful brogue, and looking about as intense as he's ever looked (no small feat for a man generally typecast as "suburban dad").

Over on the right here, to the left of that presumably 19th Century malt liquor is edgy queen of French cinema Isabelle Huppert (THE PIANO TEACHER, AMOUR, I HEART HUCKABEE, COUP DE TORCHON, LA CEREMONIE, Hal Hartley's AMATEUR).

Up here behind the beard is Brad Dourif (CHILD'S PLAY, WISE BLOOD, ALIEN: RESURRECTION, DEADWOOD, THE TWO TOWERS, DUNE, ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, THE EXORCIST III, BLUE VELVET, GRIM PRAIRIE TALES)

and sure he doesn't have much to do, but it's a modern-day Western, so we had to have Brad Dourif in some kind of old-timey spectacles.  I think it should be written into the SAG paperwork.

Around the bend in the proto-pimp costume is Bronson heavy Paul Koslo (THE OMEGA MAN, VANISHING POINT, THE STONE KILLER, MR. MAJESTYK, CLEOPATRA JONES, FREEBIE AND THE BEAN, LOVE AND BULLETS).

Then, over in that train with the fur hat and the lip carpet is Sam Waterston (THE KILLING FIELDS, THE GREAT GATSBY, SERIAL MOM, LAW AND ORDER, CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS, CAPRICORN ONE)

who finally gets to play a bad guy, and to great effect!

Over to the side there, you can see a Kris Kristofferson (PAT GARRETT AND BILLY THE KID, BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA, CONVOY, FLASHPOINT, BIG-TOP PEE-WEE, BLADE, and star of CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT, the only feature Arnold Schwarzenegger ever directed) in his natural habitat.

And wait– who's that in the shadows behind him?  Why, it's the film debut of Willem Dafoe (THE LOVELESS, WILD AT HEART, ANTICHRIST, SPIDERMAN, TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A., THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST, EXISTENZ, BODY OF EVIDENCE, BOONDOCK SAINTS, THE ENGLISH PATIENT).  He's just an extra, but, hot damn!

Down the path a spell is none other than Jeff Bridges (TRON, THE BIG LEBOWSKI, CUTTER'S WAY, THE LAST PICTURE SHOW, KING KONG '76, STARMAN, THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTFOOT).

He's got a great intensity here in a supporting role– and supposedly when production wrapped, one of the many "cabin" sets were up for grabs, so Bridges swooped in, disassembled it, and reconstructed it on his ranch property!

Over in this glen is Christopher Walken (THE DEER HUNTER, ANNIE HALL, KING OF NEW YORK, THE DEAD ZONE, A VIEW TO A KILL, MCBAIN, BATMAN RETURNS, WAYNE'S WORLD 2, NEW ROSE HOTEL, KANGAROO JACK)

and I'll yes indeed shut my big mouth, shitpoke!  Another fine Walken badass role.

And then right here, if he'll put down the flask long enough for you to get a clear look– is none other than John Hurt (THE ELEPHANT MAN, I CLAUDIUS, ALIEN, THE HIT, 1984, THE STORYTELLER, KING RALPH, DOGVILLE, MIDNIGHT EXPRESS, DEAD MAN, HELLBOY, TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY '11)!

He delivers an eccentric performance, dripping with pathos.  Like every other John Hurt performance!  The man is never anything less than superlative.

Then, upon examining the end credits, I realized that one of my favorites, Tom Noonan (MANHUNTER, HEAT, THE MONSTER SQUAD, THE LAST ACTION HERO, ROBOCOP 2, THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL, DAMAGES), was in the film as "Jake," and I didn't notice him!  To be fair, he may have been standing around the back with a beard and hat on, and I'm sure I would have seen him if I'd been looking in advance, but allow me to repeat this sentiment:  there were so many character actors that I missed Tom Noonan.

Whew!  I'm impressed.  I hope you've enjoyed this breakneck tour of character actors.  And perhaps in closing, it begs to be asked:  where the hell was Harry Dean Stanton?

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Only now does it occur to me... ALIEN: RESURRECTION

Only now does it occur to me...  that the finest moment in this chapter of the ALIEN saga is when Brad Dourif comes face to face with a Xenomorph (behind "safety" glass) and proceeds to out-do, out-weird, out-smooch, and out-crazy H.R. Giger's macabre creation.


Can a mere mortal (with only inspired facial expressions at his disposal) be more bizarre, more outlandish than a phallic, goopy, black lacquered S&M monster with a mouth-inside-its-mouth and a decades-old cult following?  The answer is, plainly:  YES.

It also bears mentioning that ALIEN: RESURRECTION is not nearly so bad as its reputation, and is a fairly enjoyable Euro-trash romp featuring nice character-actor performances from Dourif, Ron Perlman, Dan Hedaya, J.E. Freeman, and Dominique Pinon.  There are some really nice latex-ey creature effects juxtaposed with some horrible 90s CGI; Winona Ryder joins the ranks of Ian Holm and Lance Henriksen as an android; and Sigourney Weaver gets to do a zany, basketball-themed "action" scene, the best/worst of its kind since ESCAPE FROM L.A.  Amen!

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Film Review: CHILD'S PLAY (1988, Tom Holland)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 87 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Brad Dourif (ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, WISE BLOOD, DEADWOOD, SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION), Chris Sarandon (FRIGHT NIGHT, THE RESURRECTED, DOG DAY AFTERNOON), Catherine Hicks (STAR TREK IV, PEGGY SUE GOT MARRIED), Alex Vincent (CHILD'S PLAY II, MY FAMILY TREASURE). Music by Joe Renzetti (THE BUDDY HOLLY STORY, DEAD & BURIED). Written by Don Mancini (CELLAR DWELLER, all the CHUCKY movies). Cinematography by Bill Butler (JAWS, GREASE, ROCKY III). Chucky designed by Kevin Yagher (TALES FROM THE CRYPT, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2-4, FACE/OFF). Directed by Tom Holland (FRIGHT NIGHT, FATAL BEAUTY, THINNER, writer of CLASS OF 1984, PSYCHO II, and CLOAK & DAGGER).
Tag-line: "Andy Barclay has a new playmate who's in no mood to play."
Best one-liner: "BATTER UP!" [Brad Dourif cackles]

Maybe you have an affinity for killer dolls. Maybe you're a die-hard Dourif fan. Maybe you're a devotee of Chucky's complex, Miltonian love affair with the word "bitch," a relationship that is only rivaled by Fred Krueger's. Hell, maybe you thought you were seeing the film adaptation of Robert Marasco's Tony-winning CHILD'S PLAY. Nevertheless, you're here- so prepare yourself for a journey in murderous My Buddies and Reaganist ultra-consumerism– it's my top nine things about CHILD'S PLAY!

#1. The movie is sort of like an alternate ending to FATAL BEAUTY. For those not in the know, FATAL BEAUTY is one of the most incredible wisecrackin' cop movies that the 80's had to offer. Also directed by Tom Holland, also starring Brad Dourif as a murderous villain, and also featuring a Dourif vs. good guys showdown in a store. Only this time it's a toy store, and it's not the finale– it's the opening scene!

Do the "Barbie Rockers" in the background make Dourif's death scene more of less powerful? I don't know if I'm qualified to answer that.

Check it out: Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaurs, Mouse Trap, and Fireball Island. The goddamned trifecta of board games that took three hours to set up and were sprinkled with malfunctioning AA battery receptacles and malformed, ill-fitting plastic parts. That doesn't sit so well with Dourif, so he:

And yeah, that's a Little Tykes car... ON FIRE.

#2. The "Good Guys" commercial that's 700 times scarier than the actual Chucky.

What if Dourif just donned that grotesque, adult-sized Good Guy costume and began terrorizing everyone? I'd watch that movie, too.

#3. Schweet puppetry and animatronics.

A blend of puppetry, performers in costume, and animatronics, Chucky himself is certainly an achievement in practical special effects. Co-writer of SLEEPY HOLLOW and known for the Cryptkeeper, some Freddy Krueger sequels, and various other horror and sci-fi projects, Kevin Yagher led the Chucky design team, though it featured contributions from Howard Berger (CREEPSHOW 2, HOUSE III, IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS), Carl Sorensen (TREMORS), Christoper Swift (TERMINATOR 2, JURASSIC PARK), Mark C. Yagher (FACE/OFF, STARSHIP TROOPERS), Rick Lalonde (DARKMAN, MISERY), Ron Pipes (DR. GIGGLES, SIN CITY), Zandra Platzek (GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH, MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE), and James Kagel (THE THING, DEAD & BURIED, THE ABYSS). The result is alternatingly stilted and fluid (whenever called for by the script) and simultaneously uncanny and hilarious. Bravo!

#4. YOU STUPID BITCH I TEACH YOU TO FUCK WITH ME and Brad Dourif's cackle.

One might assume a general diminishment of the Brad Dourif factor as soon as he's no longer physically "on screen," but his deranged, spirited voice acting imbues Chucky with genuine presence– you feel the bloodthirsty, claustrophobic frustrations of Dourif's Charles Lee Ray, trapped inside the body of a doll: and Dourif's voice-acting bridges the gap and suspends our disbelief. Also, his evil cackle is magnificent.

#5. A nuanced Chris Sarandon performance.

Well, maybe he's not at his best here, but let's face it: the man is never bad.


Chucky attempts a razor-edged Chris Saradon low-blow.

#6. Chucky battles.


Whenever anyone must fight Chucky, there is a certain lightheartedness that can't help but emerge from the horror: I mean, he's a doll. As such, he gets flung about the room on occasion, battered, punched...he bites people with his little doll teeth. I guess this is just the sort of stuff that I enjoy.

#7. The kiddie gets a one-liner!

Just as in NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5: THE DREAM CHILD, a kid gets to deliver a crucial one-liner. (In that fine film, it was "School's out, Krueger!") Here, Chucky has been penned inside a fireplace. He turns up the charm, effectuates his best "sad eyes" and says:

Whereupon the kid ruthlessly prepares to fling a match and bellows with élan:


#8. Chucky comes back more times than the Terminator. And exactly like the Terminator.

Seriously, there even comes the point where he's dragging himself on the floor by one arm, his robotic skeleton revealed beneath the charred doll-flesh.

#9. Select scene Chucky commentary. Now, this is one that I only recently discovered with the DVD. Chucky, in character, delivers audio commentary on several crucial scenes. I couldn't tell if it was Brad Dourif or a very skilled impersonator, but regardless Chucky begins exactly as you'd expect: "Killin' this bitch," "Here, I'm toying with her," "at least in 1988 they still made real fuckin' hammers for kids," insane cackling, etc., etc. Then, as the obvious gimmick begins to wear thin, he begins to get slightly existential– he speaks about the difficulties of adjusting to the doll body, how it feels to kill as a human and then as a doll, etc. Ultimately, the fourth wall is broken, and Chucky's conversing in character with one of the producers. A truly great and bizarre addition to the film. I can't help but wish that this practice would become more frequent, at least amongst cult– imagine Robert Englund doing in-character Freddy commentary, or Rutger Hauer as "The Hitcher" for THE HITCHER, or, shit, how 'bout Clu Gulager in character on THE KILLERS! The possibilities are endless.

Four stars.

– Sean Gill

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I can't tell you how happy I am to live in a world where this is not an April Fool's Day Prank...PART 2!

Last year on April Fool's I examined some VHS covers that seemed almost too good to be true– heartfelt TV-movie dramas with Jamie Lee Curtis and Bette Davis, a Boglin hurling a pentagram in the direction of Fred Ward's balls, a film where Powers Boothe and Rutger Hauer battle for Kathleen Turner's love and for endangered birds, etc., etc.

So today in tribute to a bygone era, let us peruse these dusty shelves once more in search of that elusive 49¢ rental that could change your life forever... or at least give you an excuse to order up a couple of pizzas and a sixer of Schlitz.


Is Peter O'Toole supposed to be God? Is he pouring himself a drink or conducting an experiment? And what sort of furry critter has died whilst reclining upon Mariel Hemingway's head?


I like you, BLOODY NEW YEAR Ghoul. I salute your Crypt-Keeper-y sense of fun, your wobbly eyes, and your insistence on purchasing alllll the trimmings from the Party-o-rama outlet store. But above all... I salute your eyebrows.


Co-starring Lillian Gish, Candy Clark, and O.J. Simpson. No, REALLY.


How have I not heard of this? Durning... standing alone? "The story of a real American hero?" Is this a Durning auto-biopic?! Co-starring Pam Grier and Stacey Keach's brother? I don't think that I can go another minute without seeing this film. And finally- does Dom DeLuise make an appearance?


The pros:
•Bruce Glover.
•Skeletons with guns.

The cons:
•I kind of don't like how the skeleton is wearing chaps. It makes it look as if it's got shapely legs and child-bearing hips. That makes everyone uncomfortable.
•The $79.95 price tag.


"It all started out as a joke..." It all started out as a joke... IT ALL ...STARTED OUT...AS A JOKE!...


Did Oliver Reed realize that he was in a movie? Hard to say. Look at his glazed over, rum-soaked stare. Chilling. And on the other end of the spectrum, look at what care they've taken with the captive- making sure her hair has that ultra-conditioned sheen and even loosening her gag so that it doesn't interfere with her carefully positioned, backlit tresses.


Certainly in the running for having the most generic title of all time, DELTA HEAT boldly opines that "sometimes the truth can be murder." But what have we here? Anthony Edwards rocking out a peroxided coiffure and Lance Henriksen creeping up behind him, holding a gun at an unusual angle. Does Edwards know that he's there? Let's check out the IMDb synopsis: "An L.A. cop investigates the death of his partner in the swamps of Louisiana. Enlisting the help of an ex-cop who lost his hand to an alligator many years before." Yes...yes...and YES! Is that the disembodied hand that Henriksen lost, floating behind Edwards' shoulder? I need to see this as soon as possible.


Okay- how could they NOT name the movie 'DIRTY HARRIET?'


"We need a title for this flick?"
–"How about SLITHIS?"
"Surely we can come up with something better than that."
–"What, you've got something better?"
"Well not right now– come on, I'm supposed to just think of something off the top of my head? I haven't even had my coffee yet."
–"You can't come up with anything better than SLITHIS either."
"That's not true."
–"Well, okay. But until you do, let's put SLITHIS on the temp artwork."
"Fine. But only until I come up with something better."
–"Yeah, we'll see about that."


Golan and Globus present: FOUR CREEPY DUDES HIDING IN A BUSH TRYING TO SPY ON THE POOR MAN'S GOLDIE HAWN.


"JOE DON BAKER IS LOOKING FOR TROUBLE." Trouble always seems to find Joe Don Baker, from JOYSTICKS to WACKO to the infamous MITCHELL. Well, count me in, JDB. Count me in.


"Okay are you ready...let me lay somthin' on ya: DETECTIVE SCHOOL."
–"Is that all?"
"...DROP OUTS!"
–"Is that all?"
"...A Golan and Globus production."
–"Alright, I'm not gonna lie– you had me at DETECTIVE SCHOOL. But does it have that guy, the guy with the voice...the guy from the POLICE ACADEMYs...what's his name again? I can't get enough of that guy."


–"Alright, that might be a little too much Goldthwait."


It came...it saw...and it burned...a Rutger Hauer-lookalike.


The title and the font are telling me that this is a movie about an inspirational inner-city basketball coach, and yet I'm seeing an image of Peter O'Toole riding around on a tank.


So rule #1 is, predictably, that there are no rules. Fair enough. But is that a stain or the ghost of a buzz saw? And did I mention that this is Chuck Norris' son?


This might be my favorite title since THUNDERGROUND.


So is the GLOVE wanted dead, not alive? How does one kill the glove? Conversely, how does one take the glove alive? Or is the glove worn by the person who is wanted dead, not alive? Or is the glove worn by the person hunting the person who is wanted dead, not alive? Is this somehow related to ROLLERBALL?


"The race that drove Africa wild." I never expected to see Stockard Channing in hot pants bringing an entire continent to its knees. Even the monkey on her back is getting in on the ogling. Grinning David Carradine is still somehow riding the wave of DEATH RACE 2000. And Christopher Lee fits into this somehow as well?


So that wave subsided at some point- Carradine in old lady drag á la THE UNHOLY THREE? Apparently this flick has a devoted cult following and I hope one day to join its ranks.


Gotta love the Barbarian Brothers. Straddling that big truck with masculine intensity, untied shoes, and a slashed-front tee-shirt? And you know the other brother has got cut-offs on (just outside the frame). And who hasn't wanted to see Martin Mull and Richard Moll in the same flick? Plus, more Carradine! That's thinkin' big indeed!


Combine a Xander Berkeley lookalike, a feathered mane, a power drill, and a supporting role by Robert Davi, and what do you get? ...Nothin' but TRAXX!


I'll say no more beyond the fact that...this is a documentary!


I like to think of myself as a well-informed individual, particularly when Harry Dean Stanton movies are concerned. The fact that this one has slipped through the cracks of my awareness leads me to believe I should probably committ HDS seppuku. But maybe forty Hail Marys and a viewing of WISE BLOOD could atone for my sin.


I mean..what can I say? (Besides "I'd like to buy your album.")


Is this the eponymous "return" depicted here on the VHS cover art? Has the big payoff been ruined? Why even rent it now? "Oh, by the way, the finale is just Jan-Michael Vincent embracing a brown-silk-poncho-wearing Cybill Shepherd. THE END."


There have been some pretty enjoyable MAD MAX rip-offs. Everything from THE NEW BARBARIANS to STEEL DAWN to HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN. So was "OSA" really the best title they could come up with? And the best picture was this possible stock photo of desert bikers?


"STRIKE ONE - there's a killer on the loose... STRIKE TWO - you never know where he'll strike next... STRIKE THREE - too late." Look at how mortified Roy Scheider is. The poor guy is one of the finest actors of his generation, and he's starring in NIGHT GAME. My completely uninformed prediction of what the plot is: a psychopathic 'Nam vet baseball player slices n' dices sports commentators, stuffs their remains inside of baseballs and then plays with them. A player smacks a foul ball into the stands which lands on the lap of washed-up private eye Roy Scheider who discovers that...THE BASEBALL IS BLEEDING!


"An insane Hollywood makeup man kidnaps a woman, keeps her prisoner in his warehouse full of props. " Co-starring Keenan Wynn. I must say that I'm a little unnerved by how much psycho-Rooney resembles the elderly Richard Dreyfuss.


I've actually seen this movie. It has nothing to with a shirtless white man punching you in the face and everything to do with a shabby, middle-aged Leo Fong bopping dudes in the Bazzinis. I feel like your average viewer would be more inclined to see this if it were accurately advertised.


"I don't want to see that new movie, INTERFACE. It just looks like 'another fantasy game movie.'"
–"Ohhhh-ho-ho... that's where you're wrong."
"Whaddya mean?"
–"It's not just another fantasy game. These players are serious... dead serious."
"Well...."
–"Did I mention it's also got Lou Diamond Philips playing Punk #1?"
"Alright...fair enough."


"People are funny– and the 'Big Gag' proves it!" In that case, let's hope that space aliens don't get their hands on this looking for proof that human beings possess some kind of innate, uh, humanity, because I'm willing to bet that not only does the 'Big Gag' NOT prove that people are funny, but in fact proves that we are sickening degenerates, possibly beyond all help. (On the other hand, a New World Picture has never let me down yet.)


MASTER CLASS with Sho Kosugi?! But damn– He was gonna be live in person at the IVE Booth at the VSDA show!? I have no idea what that means, but I'm forced to believe that I've already missed the boat on this one.

But I don't feel too bad, because I now know that the disparate worlds of RETURN OF THE NINJA and WOLFEN once did collide...and the Word was called WOLFEN NINJA, and the Word was good.


In the name of all that is holy– John Huston plays God on judgment day, raining hellfire, brimstone, and wing-flapping slo-mo doves onto the populace, flanked by Mel Ferrer, Glenn Ford, Lance Henriksen, Shelley Winters, and Sam Peckinpah... ...WHAT?!!? "HE CAME TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM THE DEMON CHILD!"


This movie is so uninspired that it names its main character The Rider and his enemy The Omega Force. And he's not even The Rider, he's "The Rider." He's already, pre-emptively been put into scare quotes by the marketing team. That's how little respect they have for "The Rider." Oh, and you know Donald Pleasence? No? Not ringing any bells? How about Donald 'Halloween' Pleasence? Oh, you know that guy, right? What about Persis Khambatta? No? Oh, sorry, what about Persis 'Star Trek' Khambatta? Oh, you still don't know who that is? Fair enough.


I don't know where the Brothers Grimm are buried, but I can pretty much guarantee that they were spinning pretty hard in their graves until they heard that Brad Dourif was gonna be in this. It co-stars James Earl Jones and William Atherton, the full title is actually GRIM PRAIRIE TALES: HIT THE TRAIL TO TERROR, and IMDb reviewer Lee Kelly calls Dourif and Jones "a 'buddy' pairing to rival Riggs and Murtaugh. Give them their own series!" Alright, I'm sold.


Anyway, enjoy your April Fool's, everyone–may all your Brads be Dourifs, all your Lances be Henriksens, all your Ollie Reeds be drunk, all your dogs be named Hambone; and whenever there's a Cannon pointed in your direction, pray that it's operated by a couple of whacky cousins named Golan and Globus, and is easily procurable on Betamax, Laserdisc, and VHS! Amen.

–Sean Gill

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