Film Review: VAMPIRES: LOS MUERTOS (2002, Tommy Lee Wallace)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.
Running Time: 93 minutes.
Tag-line: "John Carpenter's VAMPIRES took you to the edge of terror...  now get ready to cross the border."
Notable Cast or Crew:  Jon Bon Jovi of "Bon Jovi",  Cristián de la Fuente (BASIC, DRIVEN), Natasha Gregson Wagner (GLAM, URBAN LEGEND, HIGH FIDELITY), Arly Jover (BLADE, THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO), Darius McCrary ('Eddie Winslow' on FAMILY MATTERS, TRANSFORMERS), Diego Luna (MILK, Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN).  Music by Brian Tyler (THE EXPENDABLES, FRAILTY).   Special makeup effects supervised by Greg Nicotero and Howard Berger.  Written and directed by Tommy Lee Wallace (member of the Coupe de Villes, STEPHEN KING'S IT, HALLOWEEN III, FRIGHT NIGHT PART 2).  Executive produced by John Carpenter and Sandy King (his wife).
Best One-liner:  "Okay, we got a sucker!"

In a familiar, darkened alley, Poor Man's Carpy continues:

"Watch anything good lately?"
–"Well, you know me.  That's all pretty relative."
"Anything worth mentioning?"
–"You saw VAMPIRES, right?"
"We watched it together.  How could you forget!"
–"Oh, yeah.  Well, did you know there was a sequel?"
"What?!  VAMPIRES 2?"
–"Not exactly.  VAMPIRES: LOS MUERTOS.  Straight to video.  And it was handled by Carpy's grade school buddy, designer of Michael Myers' mask, and general horror sequel champ: Tommy Lee Wallace.  He did HALLOWEEN III, FRIGHT NIGHT 2, and AMITYVILLE II, to name a few."
"I love HALLOWEEN III."
–"So do I.  So.  Do.  I."
"Was Carpy involved?"
–"Pretty much in name only.  He refused to go down to Mexico for the shoot.  Apparently he'd had some bad experiences.  But he and the missus (Sandy King) acted as executive producers."

"Does it have anything to do with VAMPIRES 1?"
–"Sort of.  It takes place in the same modern-Western-mythscape, where the Catholic Church offers bounties for slain vampires.  One character from the first film, Father Guiteau (Tim Guinee), is referred to– as recently killed by vampires.  We even get to see his tombstone.

Other than that, it could pretty much be a standalone piece, though it certainly rips off the plot of the first VAMPIRES:  there's a love interest who is a telepathic part-infected-vampire, a massacre of monks in a monastery, a motley crew of vampire hunters, a sidekick priest, and the main thrust is that a master vampire is looking for the same magical cross that will allow vampires to walk in daylight."
"But no James Woods?"
–"Unfortunately, no.  But instead, we've got someone even better:  Jon Bon Jovi."

[PFFFFFFFT]  "Holy cow!  You just made me do a spit-take!  JBJ?!?!"
–"Shut up, no one actually calls him that.  ...Right?"
"I do."
–"Whatever."
"JBJ in a vampire-hunting western?!  This is terrific!"
–"Well..."
"...I'M A COWBOY, ON A STEEL HORSE I RIIIIIIDE.  WAAANNNNTEEED...UNDEAD OR ALIVE..."

–"Okay."
"You see what I did there?"
–"Yeah."
"...STAKE THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU'RE TO BLAME.  DON'T GIVE CARPY A BAAAD NAME..."

–"You're very clever."
"...GONNA LIVE WHILE I'M ALIVE, I'LL SLEEP IN A COFFIN WHEN I'M UNDEAD..."

–"That's pretty weak.  Did you get all that out of your system?"
"Probably not."
–"Well, it is interesting that you want to linger on Jon Bon Jovi, because this thing–"
"JBJ, you mean?"
–"Because this movie seems tailor-made for him, almost like the script and production were fashioned completely around him.  First off, he plays a vampire hunter named 'Derek Bliss.'  If that's not an ersatz rock star name, I don't know what is.   Then, he plays a Western antihero– just like in the song, 'Wanted: Dead or Alive.'

JBJ flashes his trademark 'sincere smile' and prepares to shimmy his fringe.


JBJ shows off the acting chops he learned on the Jersey bar circuit and prepares to slay some vampires.


He's always recording stuff with a video camera.  At first, I thought it was just his character's narcissism, but then I realized it might be a subtle nod to the black & white, faux-gritty, 'behind-the-scenes' segments that pop up in a lot of his music videos ('Living on a Prayer,' 'Wanted: Dead or Alive')

Such docurealism.

He's got a surfboard full of weapons (kind of like DESPERADO's guitar case of guns)

and one of his favorite vampire-slaying devices is a long spear, which he hoists around with ease.  I have no doubt this weapon was chosen because– hey: the man knows how to heft a mic stand.  A stake ain't much of a stretch."

"Wow."
–"Oh yeah, and he gets paid for his slays by the Van Helsing Group on 'the internet.'"

"Who else shows up?  Anybody good?"
–"Well, a few quasi-notables show up to crash Bon Jovi's master's class in acting.  First, we have Diego Luna, now an award-winning and respected actor (MILK, Y TU MAMÁ TAMBIÉN) as Bon Jovi's scrappy l'il sidekick."

"I bet he learned everything he knows from JBJ."

–"Yeah, that's it.  We also have Natasha Gregson Wagner as the love interest/part-vampire assistant, fulfilling the Sheryl Lee role from the original.  Ms. Wagner happens to be the daughter of the legendary Natalie Wood, though it seems she inherited the lion's share of her acting ability from her aunt, Lana."

"Who's Lana Wood?"
–"She played 'Plenty O'Toole' in DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER.  And you'll recall that her line readings were so... creative that she had to be dubbed over in post."
"Oooh.  I see."
–"Eddie Winslow (Darius McCrary) from FAMILY MATTERS shows up, and infuses the movie with some mid-point badassery.

But then, after ten minutes of screentime, he falls victim to a vampire blowjob."


"Seriously?  Would you call that a (J)BJ?"
–"Oh, shut up.  He lurches along for a while after that, but he's already a 'dead man walking' and has already settled into the cliché of 'expendable black guy.'"
"That's too bad."
–"Rounding out the all-star cast is priest/poolboy Cristián de la Fuente, whom I correctly guessed has more than extensive telenovela résumé."

I could never keep a secret from JBJ.

"Sounds like with this scrappy crew, he's... LIVIN' ON A PRAYER."
–"That's enough."
"So what else?"
–"There's a bunch of horrible CGI 'fast-forward' vampire action..."
"Why do they allow that to happen?"
–"I don't know.  Then the vamps mess up a bar like in NEAR DARK, so that's a nice vampire Western nod, but you'll probably just wish you were watching NEAR DARK instead.  But every once in a while something spectacular happens, like Bon Jovi dropping a one-liner like 'HEY VAMPIRE!'

And I guess it all ends up okay, cause the finale involves a slo-mo flying car and an exploding decapitated head."



"That's the kind of thing I can sink my teeth into."
–"Har har har.  Then I even listened to some of the Tommy Lee Wallace audio commentary.  I might be the only person in the world who'll admit it.  But I had to.  He talks about what it was like to direct JBJ– I mean, Jon Bon Jovi."
"See?  You just did it, too."
–"Hush.  Apparently there were legions of adoring fans everywhere they went.  And he had the problem of Bon Jovi doing a lot of overemoting.  Tommy told him to tone it down, to play everything smaller.  But Bon Jovi apparently learned a lot– he said, 'Tommy, thanks for letting me dare to suck.'"
"Is that a vampire pun?"
–"Stop.  Interestingly enough, Tommy Lee Wallace also goes on at length about how Carpenter makes films about Hawksian heroes, and he made a film about unlikely heroes."
"The kinds of heroes who live on a prayer?"
–"I said, cool it."
"ONCE UPON A TIME, NOT SO LONG AGO
TOMMY USED TO JUST BE A COUPE DE VILLE
CARPY USED TO THROW HIM A BONE
HE'S BEEN DOWN ON HIS LUCK...IT'S TOUGH, SO TOUGH

CARPY'S BEEN KIND OF RETIRED
THANKS TO BAD REMAKES, HE STILL BRINGS HOME HIS PAY
FOR LOVE, FOR LOVE

CARPY SAYS WE'VE GOT TO HOLD ON TO WHAT WE'VE GOT

CAUSE IT DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE IF WE MAKE IT OR NOT

WE'VE GOT TWO VAMPIRES FILMS

AND THAT'S A LOT

FOR LOVE– WE'LL GIVE IT A SHOT

WHOOOOAAA WHOAA, WE'RE HALFWAY THERE
OOOOH WAAA LIVIN' ON A PRAYER
TAKE MY HAND–"

–"Stop it!"

"But don't you get it?  The protagonist of 'Livin' on a Prayer' is actually named Tommy!"

–"I'm cutting you off."

"You can't cut me off– it's the holidays!"

–"Yes, I can."

"You can't stop me from picking the next movie, then:  JINGLE ALL THE WAY."

–"Dear Lord."

(to be continued)

–Sean Gill

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Book Review: HALLOWEEN III SEASON OF THE WITCH: THE NOVELIZATION (1982, Dennis Etchison)

Stars:  3 of 5.
Length:  228 pages.
Publisher:  Jove Publications, NY.
Tag-line:  "The night no one comes home.  The new screen shocker by Jack Martin based on a screenplay by Tommy Lee Wallace– a John Carpenter /Debra Hill production."
Back cover blurb:   "Do you know where your kids are tonight?  The streets are quiet.  Dead quiet as the shadows lengthen and night falls.  It's Halloween.  Blood-chilling screams pierce the air.  Grinning skulls and grotesque shapes lurk in the gathering darkness.  It's Halloween.  The streets are filling with small cloaked figures.  They're just kids, right?  The doorbell rings and your flesh creeps.  But it's all in fun, isn't it?  No.  This Halloween is different.  It's the last one."

Happy Halloween, everyone–  Poor Man's Carpy continues!

Using the pseudonym of "Jack Martin," Dennis Etchison brings us another John Carpenter-related movie novelization (he also did THE FOG and HALLOWEEN II) that's better than it needs to be.  In lieu of retreading old ground, if you need a little background on Etchison and his other Carpy-related work, see my review of THE FOG: THE NOVELIZATION.  Also, if you're somehow unfamiliar with HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH, allow me to fill you in:

After HALLOWEEN II, John Carpenter was getting sick of this Michael Myers guy, and envisioned the HALLOWEEN series as becoming a series of spooky flicks that merely shared the common holiday setting.  Therefore, he, HALLOWEEN co-creator Debra Hill, and crony Tommy Lee Wallace (who designed the original look for Michael Myers) teamed up to unfold the saga of an evil cult of killer-robot-manufacturing Irish people living in a small town in California who are hell-bent (literally!) on killing the children of America by way of rigged masks that will turn them into rotting piles of snakes and spiders. They are doing this so that people will take Halloween seriously again.  It leads to an absurdist, apocalyptic, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS-by-way-of-James Bond conclusion, and in its own way is one of the great, underrated horror films of the 1980s.

So what does HALLOWEEN III: THE NOVELIZATION bring to the table?  The language isn't quite as florid as in THE FOG, but it's a decently written palimpsest of the screenplay.  Let me give you the rundown– my ten favorite things about HALLOWEEN III: THE NOVELIZATION:

#1.  It begins with a Thomas Hardy quote.

 Remember him, possibly from English Lit?  JUDE THE OBSCURE, THE MAYOR OF CASTERBRIDGE, THE RETURN OF THE NATIVE, TESS OF THE D'URBERVILLES, etc., etc.?  So let me say that again:  the HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH novelization begins with a quote by Thomas Hardy.

"If a way to the better there be, it lies in taking a full look at the worst."
–Thomas Hardy

Is that a prediction of HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION?  Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.  (Also, I'd like to see Carpy do "TESS OF THE COUPE DE VILLES!)

#2.  Attempts to recreate how annoying the "Halloween Countdown song" is.

Anyone who's seen HALLOWEEN III will never forget the "Eight more days to Halloween, Halloween, Halloween... eight more days to Halloween..." Silver Shamrock song, set to the theme of "London Bridge is Falling Down."  Etchison, obviously, makes it an integral part of the novel.

"The insistent refrain, chanted inanely to the tune of 'London Bridge is Falling Down,' was for a few moments everywhere, even cutting into speakers which were set to carry only a steady drone of Muzak around the clock throughout the hospital and, it had seemed to Challis lately, the entire world.  But tonight he was feeling no pain.  '...SIL-VER SHAMROCK!'  At last the advertising jingle wound down, followed immediately by Madison Avenue's idea of an Irish jig."

#3.  Michael Myers fake-out.

Etchison knows that some readers of HALLOWEEN III: THE NOVELIZATION (specifically those who haven't seen the film yet) are going to expect to read about Michael Myers.  Instead of being up front with his audience about Myers' exclusion, he tries to fake them out for the first fifty or so pages.   I find this to be hilarious.

In a marked reference to "The Shape" being Myers' name from the credits to the first film, Etchison tries to fool us while he describes one of the Irish robots:

"It was not a bush that was moving.  It was the shape of a man.  ...He veered to the curb and cut his lights.  The shape was no longer there."

Furthermore, he specifically references the tag-line of the first film by naming the first section "The Night He Came Home Again." As you read on, you realize that this actually refers to "Challis" (the Tom Atkins character).  Additionally, the opening murder (which takes place less than five minutes into the movie) doesn't occur until 53 pages in to this thing!  It almost seems designed to piss people off.  I heartily approve, and find it well-deserving of a slow clap.

 #4.  Challis' (Tom Atkins') alcoholism.

In THE FOG: THE NOVELIZATION, Etchison fills in a few gaps in regard to character development, particularly with Father Malone (Hal Holbrook), the tortured whisky priest.  Here, since Challis is the clear protagonist, Etchison's focus is not divided (THE FOG has an array of protagonists– you could even make the argument that the fog itself is the main character!) and he's free to explore his brooding and alcoholism in great detail.  We see a fair amount of it in the movie, but in the novelization, Etchison describes it quite well, alternating between grotesque Bukowskian flourish,  Raymond Carver-ish straightforwardness, and Amis-style panache.

"'Agnes, tell me you've got a beer stashed somewhere with my name on it.  You were just about to say that, weren't you?  I can tell.  My mouth feels like a bedpan.'"

"He was strangling the glass neck through the twisted brown paper." 

"The day after the funeral he had bourbon for breakfast."  

"He poured beer down his throat.  It tasted bitter, but he knew it would make him feel better in a few minutes."  

"Beneath the wide brimmed hat was an old face, covered with stubble and deeply creased from too many years out of doors and out of luck.  The expression in the eyes was rat-shrewd.  It was a look Challis had seen all his life, in bus depots and skid-row clinics in every city he had worked.  The face was no more than forty years old by the calendar.  But they had been forty long, hard years." 

And perhaps one of my all-time favorite sleazy 1982 sentences:

"Ellie's maroon Cutlass was waiting at the curb in front of the liquor store."

#5.  These sentiments extend to Challis' brooding, which is wonderfully bitter and even more enjoyable if you properly imagine it as Tom Atkins' internal monologue.

"Kids, he thought.  They don't forget– they're too young– and so they don't forgive.  They're the only truly uncivilized beings left on earth, a race apart, a primitive tribe and a law unto themselves."

"The evasions are over.  I thought I could get away.  But I couldn't.  Happy Halloween, he told himself, gunning the motor and roaring away from the house, his house, the house he had built and would continue to maintain forever, undoubtedly even unto death and beyond the grave, if his ex-wife and the lawyers had their way.  Trick or treat?  ...He knew the answer, and would never ask the question again."

#6. Big Ideas.

Etchison tries to work some Big Ideas into this mass market paperback...  and sort of succeeds!  He hammers the point home that men are becoming like machines, that our humanity is being lost as our society becomes increasingly mechanized and detached.  These have become stock ideas and it's nearly impossible to express them without hammering the reader over the head, but dammit– Etchison hammers 'em well:

"They survive, he thought, the slow and the stubborn, the old individualist misfit sons of pioneers who won't allow themselves to be folded, stapled, or spindled.  The revolutions come and go, nations are torn apart and rebuilt, the climate changes to make way for the next millennium; the snow on the wheel turns and the century ices.  Men like machines walk on the moon and machines like men remake the world in their own image; the iron dream rears its head again in a new age; the old tribes fade from sight in the long night of the human soul."

I never thought I would read about "the long night of the human soul" in any movie novelization, much less that of a much-loathed horror sequel written under a pseudonym.  Will wonders never cease?


#7.  A FOG reference?

Apparently Father Malone survived THE FOG and relocated to Santa Mira?

"A signboard reading 'Church of St. Patrick/Rev. Father Tom Malone' was hanging peeled and broken from one upright."

#8.  A Jamie Lee Curtis reference.

The robotic, Big Brother-ish voice which lords over the evil Irish town of Santa Mira is played in the movie by an uncredited Jamie Lee Curtis.  She even gets a shout-out in the novelization:

"'Going down,' said a sensuous female voice."

#9.  The book can also function as a robot-killing manual.

"The graysuit outside her room went into a sputtering death-dance at the first surprising thrust to its soft spot.  The same spot, where the diaphragm would be in a human being, an inch or two below the center of the ribcage.  Challis remembered well his latest anatomy lesson."

#10.  The closing lines of apocalyptic brilliance:

"'STOP IT!  STOP IT! STOP...'  Then there was only the sound of the rain outside in the endless blackness of the long night and, presently, the rising tones of a pitiful wailing within and without, spreading across the station, the town, and the land without end."

Simply fantastic.  That about wraps it up, ladies and gentlemen. Again,  Happy Halloween– and stay tuned:  Poor Man's Carpy shall continue through November!

–Sean Gill

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Film Review: THE BOY WHO COULD FLY (1986, Nick Castle)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.
Running Time: 107 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Lucy Deakins (AS THE WORLD TURNS, CHEETAH), Jay Underwood (AFTERGLOW, UNCLE BUCK), Fred Savage (THE PRINCESS BRIDE, LITTLE MONSTERS), Bonnie Bedelia (DIE HARD, NEEDFUL THINGS), Colleen Dewhurst (ANNIE HALL, THE DEAD ZONE), Fred Gwynne (THE MUNSTERS, THE COTTON CLUB), Jason Priestley (TOMBSTONE, BEVERLY HILLS 90210), Louise Fletcher (ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC). Music by Bruce Broughton (TOMBSTONE, THE ICE PIRATES, MOONWALKER). Featuring the one and only Coupe de Villes. Visual Effects by Richard Edlund (THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, GHOSTBUSTERS, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, the opening sequence for TALES FROM THE CRYPT).
Tag-line: " A very special love. And a very special magic. But is it real magic or just an illusion?"
Best one-liner: "In da back of da bus....just you and us"

Well, allow me to take a brief respite from my exploration of the horror portmanteau in order to bring something to your attention: THE BOY WHO COULD FLY. Now, how you'll feel about the movie itself likely will hinge on when you saw it: its greatest devotees are nostalgia-driven sentimentalists who saw it as kids back in '86. I, on the other hand, saw it this weekend, and, uh... well, let's just say that it's a little corny.


With a little bit of E.T. and a little bit of DUMBO (but with an autistic kid instead of a Reese's Pieces-luvin' alien or a floppy-eared elephant), THE BOY WHO COULD FLY launches itself headfirst into heavy-duty mawkishness and attempts to leave no tear unjerked.

I don't wish to badmouth the film, though- I'm a fan of filmmaker (and John Carpenter crony) Nick Castle, and if this film brings comfort or nostalgia to its fans, then I'm all for it. Now, in my mind, there are a few memorable elements in it, and one really noteworthy element, so I shall discuss them without further delay:

We've got Louise Fletcher as a well-meaning psychiatrist. And even though she's friendly, I guess I can't stop myself from making a comparison to Nurse Ratched.

Anyway, in a puzzling twist she chose to go uncredited, yet receives a very special thanks– was she unhappy with how the film turned out, or did she want her appearance to be unexpected? Who knows.

We got Fred Savage playing THE LAST STARFIGHTER video game (THE LAST STARFIGHTER was Nick Castle's previous picture),


a gang of tubby eight-year-old kids who terrorize Fred Savage and whose leader wears an Anarchy t-shirt, a nuanced performance by THE MUNSTERS' Fred Gwynne as a drunken parental figure (he really is mind-blowingly great- his facial contortions alone are possibly the movie's most genuine facet),

and an un-nuanced performance by Bonnie Bedelia (who's obviously been directed to be overly... indicative).

(Note that she's looking at an alarm clock and is running a few minutes late– she's not running a few hours late, nor has the alarm clock transformed into a portal to another dimension or flashed some obscene message á la MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE. She is just running... a few.... minutes... late.)

But then....thirty-four minutes in....they drop an ATOM BOMB. An atom bomb I like to call: THE COUPE DE VILLES...

Hollleeee shit. If you have no idea who or what the Coupe de Villes are, may I refer you HERE, HERE, and HERE.

So two gals are engaging in some underage drinking/slumber partying, when who should appear on TV but the legendary Coupe de Villes, doing their best 80's glam band impersonation.

KISS, eat your heart out. Clockwise from upper left: Tommy Lee Wallace, John Carpenter, Nick Castle, and guest Coupe Warren Carr (the production manager).

(And who is this mysterious 4th Coupe de Ville, Warren Carr? I see he was the production manager here, but it seems to be his only professional contact with any of the Coupes.)

Now, the song, which does not appear on their album, WAITING OUT THE EIGHTIES, is written by Nick Castle, is entitled "Back of the Bus," and is further evidence that there may be entire vaults filled to the brim with unreleased Coupe de Ville treasures. It features a high-pitched plea from Nick Castle ('Heyyyyy pretty baby'), a booming, intense chorus by Carpy himself ('in da back of da bus.'), and it pretty much made my weekend.

"Mmmmmm----heh, heh, heh/Hey pretty girl/You goin' to school/We gonna teach her/The golden rule/in da back of da bus/Just you and us/Heyyy pretty baby/we like your looks/come here and study/put down your books/in da back of da bus"

And then they change the channel. But I never thought I would see John Carpenter looking like a member of Twisted Sister and menacing a young lassie in the back of a schoolbus:

Carpy imperils a studious young lady...in da back of da bus

And now, to shed some long-sought light upon the Coupe de Villes phenomenon, I have transcribed the audio commentary for this scene from THE BOY WHO COULD FLY DVD (said commentary features Nick Castle, Jay Underwood, Fred Savage, and Lucy Deakins):

Nick Castle: I wrote and performed that song as The Coupe de Villes. The Coupe de Villes are in various other films as well. They're in HALLOWEEN, they're in BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, so we sort of spread ourselves around. But it is basically a vanity band. We would play the wrap parties for some of our films, and, uh, make everyone listen to us.

[everyone laughs]

Jay Underwood: I can't remember, did you play at ours?

Nick Castle: I sang, but uh–

Lucy Deakins: It was your Bruce Springsteen lookalike phase. The bandanas and everything.

Nick Castle: This was an in-joke, having flown my two friends into Vancouver for this little bit of playing the rock n' roll band, John Carpenter, of course, the famous director who did HALLOWEEN, and another friend, Tom Wallace, who's another director, with the opportunity of actually pretending to be a rock group. I threw us all together for this little bit.

Lucy Deakins: I still have the record you cut.

Jay Underwood: I got the same album...WAITING OUT THE EIGHTIES.

Lucy Deakins: Yeah!

[then the subject is changed to how Nick Castle played Mike Myers in HALLOWEEN, and how he receives more fan mail for that than for all the movies he directed]

Interesting. Though obviously Nick sells himself short when he refers to it as a vanity band. And now I have to rewatch HALLOWEEN: apparently it contains some hidden Coupe-de-Villery that has flown right over my head the five thousand or so times that I've watched it. And you know what warms my heart more than THE BOY WHO COULD FLY? The fact that Nick Castle gave the cast of THE BOY WHO COULD FLY LPs of WAITING OUT THE EIGHTIES!

Two and a half stars for the Coupe de Villes, but where is the rest of the music video footage?...it must exist, and it demands to be seen!

-Sean Gill

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Music Review: WAITING OUT THE EIGHTIES: PART 2 (1985, The Coupe de Villes)

Stars: 5 of 5.

Running Time: 40 minutes.
Publisher: "RRRRRRictus Records."
Best line: "Hey hey hey HEEYYYYYYY!!!!"

Picking up where Part 1 left off- ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous COUP DE VILLES:

#7. BACK FROM THE DEAD.

Nick Castle takes up the mantle and delivers a ZZ Top-style thrumpin' chanty (which also sounds a lot like the "Snake Shake" song written for the end credits of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK) possibly inspired by the crippling down time that often occurs between film projects. Nick would've been between THE LAST STARFIGHTER and THE BOY WHO COULD FLY at the time, Carpenter between STARMAN and BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, and Tommy between HALLOWEEN III and a few episodes of that new 80's TWILIGHT ZONE series. I think we can all relate to the urgency and paralysis of unemployment, but only Nick Castle's high-pitched yowl can quite enumerate it with the perfect "Hey hey hey HEEYYYYYYY!!!"

"Got no job
I can't get paid
I got no friends
I can't get laid
I need some inspiration
Just like the newspaper said
You caught me on a bad day
I'm back from the dead

Ship sailed in
Ship sailed out
The chips are down
The red light's out
I need some motivation
Just like the radio said
You caught me on a bad day
I'm back from the dead

Yes I'm back, yes I'm back
The game is breakin' my heart
Yes I'm back, yes I'm back
You know it's breakin' my heart
Hey hey hey HEEYYYYYYY

Got no car
Got no cash
Got no maid
to clean my trash
I need a situation
Just like the T.V. said
You caught me on a bad day
I'm back from the dead

Yes I'm back, yes I'm back
The game is breakin' my heart (I need to function like a young boy should)
Yes I'm back, yes I'm back
You know it's breakin' my heart
I need to show 'em if I somehow could

Yes I'm back, yes I'm back
And it's breakin' my heart..."


#8. ON MY KNEES AGAIN.

John picks things up with another song possibly centering on unemployment. "A new morning in America" indeed! Well, I choose to believe that it's about unemployment, because otherwise it'd have to be about a one-night stand, and love Carpy though I do, there are still a few mental images I can do without, so just indulge me in my delusion. Maybe it's about blackouts that result from heavy drinking that results from underemployment.

There's some sweet synth sounds that pop up in this one that will be real familiar to fans of the main title music for BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, and Carpy builds a bass line that makes for a fairly catchy song, even if its content is a little soggy.

"Pick me up
I've been asleep on the floor
Come, on baby

Trick me up
I'm tryin' to crawl out the door
All I need's a game

Lift me up
I can't see the clock on the wall
Come on, baby

Drift me up
I can't find my name in the hall
All I need's a game

You wouldn't hold me in your arms
I'm just a one-night stand
I'm cryin' lonely teardrops, baby
Can't you understand

I'm dyin' here
Darlin'
On my knees again
Ooh, baby

I'm dyin' here
Darlin'
On my knees- on my knees again

Mmmmmmmm

Pull me up (pull me up)
I don't remember my name
Come on, baby
Cool me up (cool me up)
I can't recall where I am
All I need's a game

Fill me up (fill me up)
Give me a little to go on
Come on, baby
Thrill me up (thrill me up)
Give me a little hold on
All I need's a game

Mmmmmmm

You wouldn't hold me in your arms
I'm just a one-night stand
I'm cryin' lonely teardrops, baby
Can't you understand

I'm dyin' here
Darlin'
On my knees again
Ooh, baby

I'm dyin' here
Darlin'
On my knees (on my knees again)
On my knees again
Oh, darlin'
On my knees again
Mmmmmm
On my knees again
Come on, baby
Come on, baby
Come on, baby
Mmmmmm"

#9. I REALLY NEED YOU.

Next up is a duet- "I Really Need You." More luvey-dovey stuff. John doesn't often have a chance to get it out of his system. I mean STARMAN and MEMOIRS OF AN INVISIBLE MAN are pretty good examples, but think about it– ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13? No time for love when a mob of crazies is gonna thwomp you with a brick, or worse. HALLOWEEN? A roll in the hay gets ya stabbed. ELVIS? Pass the fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. THE FOG? Leave the luvin' to Tom Atkins. ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK? Your love connection is getting snacked on by crazies at the Chock Full O' Nuts. THE THING? Closest thing to a lady's the electronic chess game that Kurt Russell just J&B'd. BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA? The asphalt ribbon of adventure apparently trumps Kim Cattrall. PRINCE OF DARKNESS? If you can find passión in the midst of Jameson Parker lip carpet and green Satanic goo, then there's probably something wrong with you. I could go on. The point is, the man needs an outlet. So stop cringing at his love songs.

Nick:
"I have some things I wanna tell you
They've been inside for all this time

Nick & John:
But since you've been gone
All of my life
Seems like it's wrong
Seems like a lie

John:
I have some things I need to tell you
I have to make you understand that

Nick & John:
But since you've been gone
All of my life
Seems like it's wrong
Seems like a lie to me

I reall-ll-llly need you
I reall-ll-llly need you
I reall-ll-llly need you

John:
Yes, I do

Nick:
Yes, I do

I have to tell you how I'm feelin'
I can't pretend anymore

Nick & John:
But since you've been gone
All of my life
Seems like it's wrong
Seems like a lie to me

I reall-ll-llly need you
I reall-ll-llly need you
I reall-ll-llly need you

John:
Yes, I do

Nick:
Oh, yes, I do-o-oooo

John:
MMMmmm, yes I do

Nick:
Whoa-ho-ho yeh-usss, I dooooooooooooo"

#10. HOLLYWOOD.

The Coupes proceed with an upbeat song after all these downers– but it's still got a little bite to it. "Hollywood" has some of the best synth riffs on the album, thanks to Nick Castle. It rocks in that way that only the eighties could, but it's got a little wistfulness to it, too. John sings:

"I knew you when you were from Hollywood
Know what you're doin' and it ain't no good
I saw you talkin' to the boy next door
I saw your face when he asked for more
The things you tell me

Well, they don't mean nothin' cause they don't relate to you
Oh, they don't mean nothin' cause they don't relate to you

I knew you when you loved a movie star
You're makin' love in his brand new car
You wanna cruise Las Palmas Avenue
You wanna do what the boys all do
The things you tell me

Well, they don't mean nothin' cause they don't relate to you
Oh, they don't mean nothin' cause they don't relate to you

I knew you when you worked the boulevard
It's nine to four, but it ain't too hard
I saw you dealin' in the coffee shop
I try to hold you, but you never stop
The things you tell me

Well, they don't mean nothin' cause they don't relate to you
Oh, they don't mean nothin' cause they don't relate to you

You boogie-woogied when you're on a stroll
You think it's bop when it's rock n' roll
I saw you talkin' to the girl next door
I saw your face when she asked for more
The things you tell me

Well, they don't mean nothin' cause they don't relate to you
(don't mean nuthin' cause they don't relate to you)
Oh, they don't mean nothin' cause they don't relate to you
(don't mean nuthin' cause they don't relate to you)
Oh, they don't mean nothin' cause they don't relate to you
(don't mean nuthin' cause they don't relate to you)
To you, mmm-mmmm.....to you..."

Now, again, maybe it's cause I never took a class in "80's pop lyric analysis," but I'm a little mystified by this one. Maybe it's about the same hooker from "She Has Friends in L.A." who fell in to the wrong crowd of coke-abusing Reagan-luvin' yuppies, and now she's somehow parlayed it into a burgeoning Hollywood gig? Perhaps John once listened to this hooker's sob stories, but then he sees her looking like soulless, made-over, Hollywood sycophant and he then comes to the realization of how meaningless all life is? Sounds right to me.

#11. DARLIN' (ALL NIGHT LONG).

Another John n' Nick duet, "Darlin'" begins fairly unremarkably, but features a nice, nearly 'call and response' structure between the vocals and the roarin' bass lines, which, during the 'Daddy' section (sung by John) builds some unexpected momentum. Not one of the album's best, but still a solid entry. And I'm not sure what "livin' on the edge of the Western world" entails- is it like living in that church in IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS?

"Darlin'
You love me like a stone
I said, Darlin'
You treat me like I'm gone

Well, there's a part of me
Oh, there was a part of you
That loved me all night long
All night long

If you don't want me here,
Well, I'm sorry
I couldn't treat you like a little girl
Now that I know what you've been feelin'
You've been livin' on the edge of the Western world

Darlin'
You love me like a stone
I said, Darlin'
You treat me like I'm gone


Well, there's a part of me
Oh, there was a part of you
That loved me all night long
All night long

Your daddy's right
to hold you all night
Couldn't stop you when you turn out the light
Your daddy's right
gotta make her feel alright

Your daddy's right
to hold you all night
Couldn't stop her when you turn out the light
Your daddy's right
gotta make her feel alright

Yes, you're daddy's right
to hold you all night
Couldn't stop her when you turn out the light
Your daddy's right
gotta make her feel alright

Darlin'
You love me like a stone
I said, Darlin'
You treat me like you're gone
Well, there's a part of me
Oh, there was a part of you
That loved me all night long
All night long (All night long)

If you can't make it here
Well, I'm sorry
I know you're feelin' like a little girl
I know you're hidin' me inside you
You've been livin' on the edge of the Western world

Darlin'
You love me like a stone
I said, Darlin'
You treat me like you're gone
Well, there's a part of me
Oh, there was a part of you
That loved me all night long
All night long (All night long)"

#12. MIDNIGHT TRAIN.

John closes out the album with a melancholy rocker which perhaps describes the toll a filmmaker's life can put on one's personal relationships. Though when the question is asked, "Was it too long between the nights we had in Detroit?" I think that the more relevant query might be "Was it because we spent nights in Detroit?" Regardless, it builds to a finale with multi-part harmonies, and suddenly we hear a voice even deeper than John's. Could it be that we've never heard Tommy Lee Wallace before this moment and that those three-part harmonies we heard before incorporated recordings of Nick? Or could it be that this is a recording of John, and he's capable of even deeper registers? The Coupes always leave us with something to think about.

"You took off this mornin'
Said if I ever needed you
You'd be there
I believed you
Now I can't find you anywhere
Was it too long between the nights we had in Detroit?
Was it too long between the days we need to have?

You said I'm not really leavin'
Said if I ever needed you back
Well, it's alright
Now I'm lonely
And I'm cryin' all in through the night

Was it too long between the nights I didn't call you?
Was it too long between the days I wasn't there?

Take my word for it
I'm a whole new man
I'm gonna find a seat on that midnight train
Comin' back to you

Take my word for it
I've got a whole new plan
I'm gonna find a way to catch that midnight train
Comin' back to you

You slipped away this mornin'
Said if I ever need to cry
You'd be there
Now I need you
And I can't find you anywhere
Was it too long between the nights we spent in New York?
Was it too long between the days we need to have?

Take my word for it
I'm a whole new man
I'm gonna find a seat on that midnight train
Comin' back to you

Take my word for it
I've got a whole new plan
I'm gonna find a way to catch that midnight train
Comin' back to you

Take my word for it
I'm a whole new man
I'm gonna find a seat on that midnight train
Comin' back to you

Take my word for it
I've got a whole new plan
I'm gonna find a way to catch that midnight train
Comin' back to you"

In all, it's a solid album of catchy, listenable eighties pop infused with the twang of early Rock n' Roll and a touch of the synths that Carpy & Co. were using circa BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA. The lyrics offer insight into these filmmakers' personal joys, frustrations, creative energies, and dissatisfactions. They paint a picture of men entrenched in a society (and an artistic system) that seems to be spiraling out of control, careening irrevocably toward greed and artifice. They yearn for simpler times- jukeboxes, pointed shoes, love songs, and RIO BRAVO. And this is the end result: WAITING OUT THE EIGHTIES. They're holdin' their horses, they're takin' a load off, they're indicting the times, and they're having a hell of a time. All in a day's work for the Coupe de Villes, God bless 'em.

-Sean Gill

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Music Review: WAITING OUT THE EIGHTIES: PART 1 (1985, The Coupe de Villes)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 40 minutes.
Publisher: "RRRRRRictus Records."
Best line: "I'm waiting for heaven...back in nineteen sixty-seven."


[Author's Note: While there is a wealth of information about John Carpenter in general, there is a dearth of actual information about the Coupe de Villes. If there are any corrections to be made- for example, I am sure that I have confused the voices of the three on occasion- do let me know.]

Readers of this site will note that I possess perhaps an unhealthy obsession with the The Coupe de Villes- a rockin' trio comprised of filmmakers (and buddies) John Carpenter, Nick Castle, and Tommy Lee Wallace. Though they'd tooled around for years, and it took them until 1986- with the closing credits song to BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA- to find a mainstream platform for their groovy tunes, Carpy and the boys were obviously more interested in promoting their filmmaking than their songwriting. Case in point: they recorded an entire album in 1985, and didn't even try to release it- they simply handed out a few copies to family and friends. This album was entitled WAITING OUT THE EIGHTIES, and as a direct result of the digital era, we can now easily bring its soothing strains into our homes without the benefit of being Tommy Lee Wallace's nephew. Now I've gone on about the concept of The Coupe de Villes in my music review of BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, and in my John Carpenter Fan-fiction Volumes 1, 2, and 3, so I'll dispense with the pleasantries and get straight to the music.

This is a terrific album. And I say that with a straight face. I know that you can't see my face from there, but the expression upon it is unreservedly earnest. I probably listen to at least one track from this album every day. My girlfriend wishes that was an exaggeration.

#1. WAITING OUT THE EIGHTIES.

The title track, and it lives up to the heightened expectations that generally accompany title tracks. Probably the best song on the album, it's got a catchy melody, impassioned vocals, and some kickass three part harmony. We begin with a heated soliloquy by Nick Castle, and it's mostly the Nick Castle show, but John Carpenter shows up at the chorus with his calm, collected, Jim Morrison-style inflections, and then the finale is a whirlwind of overlapping, melodious pleadings (Tommy gets into the mix, too, I believe), which made a transcription difficult.

"Loving you- is so hard to do- you're in the wrong time, baby– Loving you...I should forget you...I should get you outta my life!

I saw you runnin' and I saw you smile, my heart had started to beat...
Pulled up beside you and you ran for a while, I started cursin' the lead...
You told someone else was in your heart
You thought I looked outta style
You turned away and you tore me apart

I'm waiting out the eighties, I am waiting for you
I am waiting out the eighties, I am waiting for you
I'm waiting (It's what you think you are) out the eighties (It's what you think you do), I am waiting (You say that's over now) for you (You say that's up to you)
I'm waiting (The way you let me down) out the eighties (The way you walk away), I am waiting (Move on and walk away) for you (Move on and walk away)

You do the workout when you get the blues
You say it helps you survive
You need the money for your upscale shoes
The ones from Rodeo Drive
You told me someone else was near your heart
You thought I looked like a loser
You turned away and you tore me apart

I'm waiting out the eighties, I am waiting for you
I am waiting out the eighties, I am waiting for you
I'm waiting (It's what you think you are) out the eighties (It's what you think you do), I am waiting (You say that's over now) for you (You think it's up to you)
I'm waiting (The way you let me down) out the eighties (The way you walk away), I am waiting (Down and walk away) for you (Down and walk away)
I'm waiting (It's what you think you are) out the eighties (It's what you think you do) [LOOOVIN' YOUUU], I am waiting (You say that's over now) for you [SOOOO HARD TO DO] (You think it's up to you)
I'm waiting (The way you let me down) out the eighties [TRY TO FORGET YA, HONEY] (The way you walk away), [TRY TO FORGET YOU] I am waiting (Move on and walk away) for you (Down and walk away) [LOVING YOU...]"

Lyrically, I'm not quite sure if this song is about a crazed stalker (Michael Myers?) or a stuck-up bitch. A few of the songs on this album are about glassy-eyed, upwardly mobile females (think Meg Foster in THEY LIVE), so I'm gonna go ahead and side with the Coupe de Villes in this tiff.

What's it really about? I think Carpy & Co. are disillusioned with the consumer, Reaganist 'new morning in America' yuppie bullshit (again, think THEY LIVE), and they're hoping that it'll blow over with the end of the decade. 'Maybe when the 90's begin, little miss jogger will become a little more human and a little less corporate shill.' We all know how that turned out. Perhaps the fact that the 90's didn't bring consequential socio-economic change is why the Coupe de Villes have never released another album. They were just too disillusioned.

#2. 1967.

This one's got Carpy front n' center. A few of the 'Eastern' synth sounds from the BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA soundtrack get some play, too, but pay 'em no mind. And there's an infectious bass-line that makes me wanna reflect on my life:

(John):
My lovin' you is like an empty night
There's somethin' in me and it just ain't right
Too many people in their fancy clothes
Too many people all alone

(Tommy and Nick):
No more empty nights
No more empty nights
Make me feel all right

(John):
Baby, don't go
I have to say I'm sorry
Baby, you knowww
I'm out of time and place
I'm waiting
For heaven
Back in Nineteen sixty-seven

My lovin' you is something I don't feel
We're pushin' midnight and it just ain't real
Too many people bein' movie stars
Too many people all alone

(Tommy and Nick):
No more empty nights
No more empty nights
Make me feel all right

(John):
Baby, don't go
I have to say I'm sorry
Baby, you knowww
I'm out of time and place
I'm waiting
For heaven
Back in Nineteen sixty-seven

I was alive...
Nineteen sixty-seven
I was alive...
I was alive..."

John Carpenter is not a real emotional dude. As far as I can tell, he's a bona fide Stoic. When faced with injustice in the world, he possesses the necessary detachment to stand back and make a parable about the times (THEY LIVE, IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS, et al.). His singing voice is stoic, too- it's harder to tell when things really have weight to them, because he always tackles a song with the same booming honesty, whether it's about big trouble in little China or about his personal life. "1967" is a fairly haunting ditty, and I certainly get the sense that the material is near and dear to Carpy's heart. I don't wish to wax too philosophical, but Carpenter- in his hatred for the superficial eighties- reflects back on a time when he was nineteen years old, and life meant something different. He looks around at the world of 1985 and sees that he doesn't belong. He's out of time, he's out of place, and there's no way to escape. When he's pouring his heart and soul into THE THING and the world is embracing E.T. instead, how do you come to grips with that? It's also an apology to a loved one (who? Adrienne Barbeau? But I don't think it's my place to hypothesize) about his position in that foul industry called entertainment, and how it has robbed him of the exhilaration of youth- that which made him alive. As he repeats the line "I was alive...", there's a real quality of sincerity that shines through, and I think you'd have to be made of stone not relate. There's a compulsion to revisit his nostalgias and his regrets, but he never really can go home again. There's something strangely private about it, and you almost feel as if you're intruding on a personal moment merely by listening, which is one of the highest compliments I could ever pay a song. Probably the emotive core of the album.

#3. SHE HAS FRIENDS IN L.A.

Another lament, but this one has a little more hope at the bottom. It's catchy, too. I'm pretty sure John sings this one, but it sounds a little higher than usual for him, so there's the chance it could be Tommy.

(John):
"She has friends in L.A.
Tattoos and cocaine
They hide their eyes
She hides their pain

She has friends in L.A.
They all drive new cars
They all know exactly who they are

(All):
I know she works at night
She doesn't drive
I know she'll see the light
Keep our love alive
Keep our love alive

(John):
She has friends who know me
Not on speaking terms
They thinks it's clear
I have to learn

(All):
I know she works at night
She doesn't drive
I know she'll see the light
Keep our love alive
Keep our love alive

(John):
She has friends who miss her
Say I'm not to blame
They turn their heads
They feel ashamed

(All):
I know she works at night
She doesn't drive
I know she'll see the light
Keep our love alive
Keep our love alive
I know she works at night
She doesn't drive
I know she'll see the light
Keep our love alive
Keep our love alive
Keep our love alive"

Well this one certainly keeps alive the themes of the album thus far. I'm pretty sure it's about a hooker, and the "she doesn't drive" line may or may not be a reference to Missing Persons' 1983 single "Nobody walks in L.A." Anyway, this hooker-buddy is caught up in the wrong crowd of cocaine-snorting, nouveau-riche shitbirds of the 1980's. The Coupe de Villes are having none of it. And well, I don't want to beat a dead horse. You see where I'm going with this.

#4. MANHOLE.

This one's a little funky, a little Elvis-y. Hey, it's from the man that made ELVIS, the movie. This song's pretty upbeat, despite the fact it's about an unfortunate, cuckolded gentleman, who's taking it pretty well, all things considered. I'm unsure if the lyrics are meant to be sexually graphic or more theoretical in nature, but I suppose it doesn't matter. I guess you could see this as a continuation of the theme of humans being degraded by the values of the eighties, if you'd like. Again, I'm pretty sure it's John singing, but it's got that rockabilly-ish twang to it, so it's hard to tell.

"I was your man
Or so you said
And I was always there to hold you in your bed
Well I heard
Heard that you were runnin' around
You're a manhole, baby, you take it underground

I was your king
Bought you a car
But I never got to drive it very far
Cause I heard
Heard that you had leased it out
You're a manhole baby
They open you a lot

You take me down, baby, down, baby, down
To where it started from
Down, baby, down, baby, down
To where I came undone
Round, baby, round, baby,
Until I lost control
Down, baby, down, baby,
Lost my soul
Let's twist
Let's twist

I was your (unintelligible)
Your only man
But there are only certain things that I can stand
Cause I heard
Heard you were playin' your hand
You're a manhole, baby
I'm sure you understand

You take me down, baby, down, baby, down
To where it started from
Down, baby, down, baby, down
To where I came undone
Round, baby, round, baby,
And then I lost control
Down, baby, down, baby,
Mmm...lost my soul

Let's twist
Let's twist
Mercy!
Alright!"

#5. HARD ON ME.

Nick Castle (for the most part) takes over for a bit with a heartfelt love ballad. This one's got a lot of two part and three part harmonies, some soothing keyboards, and a tempo that kinda drags. Musically and lyrically, it's probably one of the weaker points of the album, and its nearly four-minute running time doesn't help. Know, however, that I generally have a prejudice against ballads in general (and especially against quasi-generic break-up ballads that don't incorporate existential undertones). They do get some bonus points, though, for mentioning The Monotones' "Book of Love" (which Carpenter featured in CHRISTINE!).

"It's curtains, baby
Act three is over
And the school of love is closed forever
We tried
To keep it goin'
All those empty nights we spent together

Baby, can you understand
What I say
Understand about me

Baby, can you take a stand
If I say
'Go on without me'

Easy
Just let go
Well you can
Take some time before you go

Oh, come on baby
(Come on baby)
Come on, darlin'
(Come on darlin)
Know you make it hard on me
Real hard on me

It's finished baby
It's history
And the book of love is closed forever

We tried
To make it happen
All those lonely days we spent together

Baby, can you understand
What I say
Understand about me
Baby, can you take a stand
If I say, 'Go on with out me'

Easy
Just let it go
Well you can take some time before you go
Mmm, come on, baby
(Come on baby)
Come on darlin'
(OH MY DARLIN')
You know you make it hard on me
Real hard on me
Hard on me
You-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo hoo, baby
Hard on me
Hard on me"

#6. SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU ANYMORE.

I'm pretty sure Nick continues on with a quasi-southern rock/synth-pop lament, full of three-part harmonies and gritty guitar riffs. As counter-intuitive as it seems, I would almost compare the song to Kim Carnes' "Bette Davis Eyes." Despite the 'downer' status of the song, the final thirty seconds gives Tommy a screamin' guitar solo, and his greatest opportunity to rock out on the album thus far. Lyrically, I'm gonna be honest: I'm not sure what this is about. Is the 'she' of the title the heroine of the song and 'you' the singer, or is the 'she' the heroine's mother and the 'you' the heroine? Hard to say. I'm probably giving this a little too much thought.

Your daddy don't take it hard when you cry
Mama tears you apart when she lies
Will they save you?
Will they save you?
She doesn't want you anymore
She doesn't need you anymore
She doesn't hope you take her home
Mmmmmmmmmm

Daddy won't see your eyes anymore
Mama won't sympathize like before
Will they save you?
Will they save you?
She doesn't want you anymore
(I can hear her say goodbye)
She doesn't need you anymore
(I can hear her say goodbye)
She doesn't hope you take her home
(I can hear her say goodbye)
Mmmmmmmmmmm

She doesn't want you anymore
(I can hear her say goodbye)
She doesn't need you anymore
(I can hear her say goodbye)
She doesn't hope you take her home
(I can hear her say goodbye)"



To be continued with part II...

And though it's a little late to officially remain part of Radiator Heaven's John Carpenter week, do yourself a favor, head over there, and catch up on some great Carpy-related articles you may have missed.

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John Carpenter Fanfiction: CARPY & THE CAP'N- PART 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH (2010, Sean Gill)

CARPY & THE CAP'N:

A NEW WORK OF JOHN CARPENTER FAN-FICTION

BY SEAN GILL


Author's Note: This piece was preceded by
PART I: LOS ANGELES PRELUDE
and
PART II: RETURN TO POINT REYES.


PART III.
SEASON OF THE WITCH.

9.
10:37 P.M. April 27, 1993. Grauman's Chinese Theater, Hollywood, California.

Outside of Grauman's Chinese theater, all was quiet. The stillness was quite remarkable given the sheer amount number of raucous Cap'n Ron fans in attendance, John Carpenter thought as he thrust his hands deeply in his pockets. He paced back and forth, quite aimlessly. He'd survived a sufficient number of premieres to shed any real, crippling anxieties, yet his legs were still restless. He turned toward the theater again. It was draped with four enormous one-sheets, symmetrically arranged. The posters looked like this:
He glanced at his watch. The film should be ending any moment now. Suddenly, one of the doors swung open, and a tuxedo'd Kurt Russell strode out, purposefully.
"The big zinger's comin' up!" gushed Kurt.

"You didn't want to see their reactions?"
"Nah, I wanted to be out here with you, Johnny. We'll see their reactions soon enough, HAW-HAW-HAWWW!"

Faintly, he could hear the closing credits strains of the Coupe de Villes' "O Captain! My Captain (Ron)." A murmur within grew to a roar, and suddenly the red carpet was teeming with well-dressed Hollywood professionals and professional hangers-on (all equipped with martinis, of course). John was faced with a line of well-wishers, and while it was pleasant, he began to zone out their smiling faces and kind words and focus in on random martini chatter in the background. Here's some of what he heard:

"I didn't understand- is it a sequel to CAPTAIN RON, THE FOG, CHRISTINE, or ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK? Or is it all of them?"

"Ho-leee shit, that reveal of Snake Plissken at the end blew my goddamned mind! Now I have to rewatch CAPTAIN RON and check for foreshadowing! How did I not see it? They've even got the same eyepatch! It's like how Clark Kent fooled the staff of the Daily Planet!"

"Soooo lame. Carpenter's losing it. It's all been downhill since THE RESURRECTION OF BRONCHO BILLY. And what was with that soundtrack? It sounded like it was recorded by some old dudes in a basement."

"I liked it. A lot. But I must admit I was creeped out by all the Tom Atkins nudity."

"Wait, wait, wait. If Captain Ron and Snake Plissken are one and the same, then why doesn't shirtless Captain Ron have the snake tattoo?"
–"Because he hasn't gotten it yet, asshole! ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK takes place in 1997. This is 1993, jag-off."

"This has got to be his worst movie since THE THING. Or at least since that BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINATOWN. And the effects looked fake. Rubber and shadows. That's all it is. Why doesn't he get on board with these, uh, what're they called? From the TERMINATOR 2. Yeah, these C-G-I effects."

"Dennis Dun was born to do these kinds of movies. Why is Carpenter the only one giving him work?"

"BUCK FLOWERZ PART WUSHN'T BIG ENUFFF!"

At this last announcement, John actually turned around to see Buck Flower, dressed in a trenchcoat and swilling malt liquor from a brown paper bag. John arched a knowing eyebrow, smirked, and Buck shuffled away. As the night progressed, John became weary. He caught his eyes losing their focus and he looked down at the red carpet, now an indistinct, crimson blob. Something else that was red entered his field of vision. Something red and plaid. He shook his eyes to attention and looked up to see a kilt-wearing 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper. Piper wore an expression of sheer emotion upon his face, and there was a touch of wetness from where a single tear had streamed. Before John could say anything, he found himself caught up in a bear hug of titanic proportions.

"You're like that man you admire," pronounced Roddy.
"Who?"

"That director, did that picture with the Duke."

"Howard Hawks?"
"Yes. You show us how to live."
"Well, let's not get carried away, Roddy."

"You never admit to yourself what you are, John. You're one of the giants."
"Thank you, Roddy."

Roddy released his grip, straightened John's suit in a gesture that was at once strangely boyish and grandfatherly, and walked on. John felt renewed, somehow. He was filled with an indescribable energy he hadn't quite felt since his youth in Bowling Green. He straightened his cuffs and turned to face... Adrienne Barbeau.

"Adrienne, great to see you." They hugged.

"I liked it, John. Nice to see some humor after all these apocalyptic...meditations."

"Well, thank you. And thanks for being in it!"
"I figured a little voiceover cameo was the least I could do."
"I think it's nice for the audience to know that Stevie Wayne's still out there, somewhere, broadcasting snappy jazz and sultry weather reports."
Adrienne chuckled. "I'll see you around, John."

As she walked away, John felt a tap on his shoulder. Before he knew it, Kurt had handed him a martini glass and raised his own in a salute. Goldie Hawn stood awkwardly behind him.
"Cheers!"
"To Captain Ron..." offered John.
"To the best damn buddy I ever had," said Kurt.
"Cheers." John took a sip, but was immediately repulsed by the taste of coconut-infused monstrosity that rippled in his glass. "Wait a minute- is this-??!"

"It's Malibu, Johnny-boy! HAW HAWWWW!!!"
"Ye Gods!" exclaimed John, swishing his tongue in a futile attempt to cleanse his palate. The two men laughed for a long time.

10.
7:27 P.M. May 13, 1993. The basement of Nick Castle.

"Naw, Jamie, it's a little quicker than that. Up-tempo. Two, three, four!"
The Coupe de Villes rocked out harder than ever. They had a whole new slate of hot songs from the CAPTAIN RON soundtrack, ranging from pleasant ditties like "(He's the) Captain of the Ship" and "She Lives in Antonio Bay" to dark prog rock tracks like "Into the Fog," a song featuring a six-minute guitar solo by Tommy Lee Wallace which everyone agreed was downright Stygian. But for now, there was a new face amongst the Coupe de Villes: Jamie Lee Curtis, on drums. For some reason, she was wearing her costume from PERFECT.
Of course, she was only sitting in for a few rehearsals, but she'd felt so bad about missing out on CAPTAIN RON VERSUS THE FOG that she felt indebted to the band.
"Rockin' practice, fellas. ...And lady," remarked Nick Castle.
"I agree," said John.
"What about the elephant in the room?" asked Tommy.
"What about this?" Tommy waved a copy of Variety in the air. John, knowing what was coming, pursed his lips. Nick and Jamie looked to the magazine with interest.
"Says here that 'CAPTAIN RON VERSUS THE FOG is a futile exercise in self-promotion,' blah blah blah, 'an excuse to get his cronies a soundtrack album deal,' blah blah, 'a rip-roaring good time for no one, unless you're the cretinous sort who sees BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA as the pinnacle of film art,' blah blah, uh... and here: 'certainly the front runner for worst film of the year, and I've already seen BOXING HELENA, SUPER MARIO BROTHERS, and COP AND A HALF.'
There was a long pause, and Jamie Lee Curtis and the Coupe de Villes eyed one another, unsure what to say.
"Don't you care?" asked Tommy. "It's the Inquisition! It's SEASON OF THE WITCH all over again!"
"No," replied John. "I don't. These things might not really find their audiences for ten, twenty years or more. And the people who like 'em, LOVE 'em. I didn't make my movie for these flavor-of-the-month simpletons. I didn't give them any thought when I was making it. So I'll especially give them no thought afterward."
"John's right, you gotta put it out of your mind, or you'll just torture yourself. And over what? Some pencil neck in an office who doesn't know shit from Shinola," concurred Jamie.
"Check this out," offered Nick, pulling a different publication from his back pocket. "Cahiers du cinéma. It's their half-year issue, and they've assembled a list of the best films of 1993 so far. See, look who's number two... US!"
"Who's number one?" inquired Tommy.
"CARLITO'S WAY," read Nick. "So if Cahiers didn't have such a hard-on for all things De Palma, we'd be number one."
"YAH-EH-YUHH!" screamed Tommy, offering his fist. Nick placed his hand atop his, and John followed suit.
"What's happening?" wondered Jamie.
"It's a little thing we do," explained John. "Call it a secret handshake."
"COOOOOOOOOOOP DE VILLES!!!" they yowled, in unison.

11.

5:27 P.M. June 13, 1993. John Carpenter's home. Hollywood Hills, California.

John Carpenter reclined on his couch as Kurt Russell noisily wolfed down a super nacho platter. They were watching the third game of the 1993 NBA finals, a much-anticipated match between Phoenix and Chicago.
Watching basketball together was a common activity for John and Kurt; occasionally they'd spend hours together without even speaking at all, and yet it still felt to them like quality time. Today's game was not particularly thrilling, and neither was feeling very invested.
"What you got comin' up, Johnny?"
"Oh, yeah. Forgot to tell you. Anthology movie on Showtime called BODY BAGS. Premieres in August. Gonna be doing some acting in this one."
"Yeah? "
"Well, not a lot of acting. More like the narrator. A master of ceremonies."
"HAAAAA! You think you're Rod Serling, Johnny-boy?"
"Nah, I'm more of a Ghoul, or something."
"Good, so you won't need to hire a makeup artist... HAAAWWWW HAAAWW!"
"Verrrry amusing, Kurt."
"I'm just jerkin' yer turkey, man. Heh, heh."
"What about you?"
"Little flick called TOMBSTONE."
"That's right. A Western. Damn. Who's directing?"
"I am," Kurt whispered softly, winking. "But don't tell anybody. On the record, it's a guy named Cosmatos. Stallone gave me the lowdown on TANGO & CASH."
"Well, well..." John pondered, "who'd've thought you'd ever be directing, and I'd be acting? Or that you'd be directing a Western before I did?"
"It's the CAPTAIN RON thing. He turns everybody's lives upside down. It's what he does."
John smirked and took a swig of his beer.
"But you have no idea, Johnny– everything I know about directing, I learned from you."
"I don't think I'd be such a great teacher- 'John Carpenter' films are the only kind I know how to make."
Kurt chuckled, but then looked away, collecting himself. His manner became quite serious. "I, uh, don't know if I ever told you this, Johnny, but... I always saw you as a big brother. And now, gettin' to do what you do- in a manner of speaking- it's uh... I don't know what. It's great."
"Thank you, Kurt, that means a lot."
"Pity about CAPTAIN RON 2, though."
"Don't worry, it'll find its audience down the line."
"That's cold comfort to the Cap'n. But you know what I think?"
"What?"
"Remember the tale of Walt Disney's last words?" Kurt was referring to the legend that just before Walt Disney died, he had summoned for a pencil and paper, written the words 'Kurt Russell,' and then expired.
"Yeah. I thought you didn't believe it."
"Well, I'm still friendly with a lot of folks at Disney, and a few weeks ago they let me down into the vault. Showed me the actual piece of paper. It certainly had the look of authenticity. You can't fake that dead man's scrawl. And it said, 'Kurt Russell,' alright. But there was something about the placement of the name, and a purposeful stroke to the right. It's almost as if it were the beginning of a sentence which was never finished. Now maybe it was a misfiring synapse, he'd just seen FOLLOW ME, BOYS!, and he had my name in his mind by mistake when he really meant to write something else... Or maybe he had a vision of the future. Maybe he was going to write- 'Kurt Russell, team up with John Carpenter and make some of the best damn movies of all time.'"
"I don't think old Walt would have held a favorable view of THE THING."
"Oh, shoosh it. I'm trying to say something nice."
"Well, thank you, Kurt. You're a treasure, too."

12.

8:56 P.M. June 13, 1993. The interior of Kurt Russell's pick-up truck.

Kurt chawed on a gargantuan ham sammy as he drove home from John Carpenter's place. It was a lovely Sunday evening, and the sun was still setting as he made his journey through Laurel Canyon. His car phone began ringing, and, setting down his sandwich, he picked up the receiver.
"Kurt?"
"Hiya, Goldie."
"You on your way home?"
"Yup. Yessiree, the check is in the mail."
"What?"
"Nevermind. Ten minutes."
"Okay, honey. See you soon."
"Bye." Kurt moved to place the receiver in its cradle, but paused. Without thinking, he picked it up again, and began speaking, despite the fact there was no one on the other end:
"Just remember what ol' Kurt Russell does when the earth quakes, and the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Kurt Russell just looks that big ol' storm right square in the eye and he says, 'Give me your best shot, pal. I can take it.'" He sharply hung up the phone, chortling privately to himself.

Meanwhile, in the bed of the truck, the desert wind fluttered a tarp, briefly revealing none other than Powers Boothe, curled and crouched and ready to spring, a devious grin upon his lips.
In the distance, heat lightning flashed and thunder rumbled and somewhere a scrappy kid was watching BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA for the first time and life was good.

THE END

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