Film Review: TOP GUN (1986, Tony Scott)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.
Running Time: 110 minutes.
Tag-line: "...It's a solo mission ... Yeah! ...And I'm going with him..."
Notable Cast or Crew: Tom Cruise, Anthony Edwards, Tom Skerritt, Tim Robbins, Michael Ironside, Val Kilmer, John Stockwell, Rick Rossovich, Kelly McGillis, Whip Hubley, Meg Ryan. Music by Harold Faltermeyer, Giorgio Moroder, Berlin, Kenny Loggins, Cheap Trick, Loverboy. (At one point, tracks from Toto, including their version of "Danger Zone" were to be included, but it was not to be.)
Best one-liner: "That's right! Ice... man. I am dangerous!"

It has come to my attention that over time, viewers have apparently accused TOP GUN of containing 'homoerotic subtext.' Well, I'm here to tell you that it's a bunch of hogwash, hooey, n' bunkum. No way is an organization as hetero as the U.S. Navy (who had script approval and altered many already propaganda style sequences to make them even more like recruiting advertisements) going to infuse a film with homoerotic subt–

I'd say it was the right time
To walk away

When dreaming takes you nowhere
It's time to play

Bodies working overtime


PFFT–

Your money don't matter
The clock keeps ticking

When someone's on your mind
I'm moving in slow motion

Feels so good


It's a strange anticipation
Knock, knock, knocking on wood

Bodies working overtime

Man against man

And all that ever matters
Is baby who's ahead in the game
Funny but it's always the same

Playin', playin' with the boys

Playin', playin' with the boys

After chasing sunsets
One of life's simple joys
Is playin' with the boys

Said it was the wrong thing
For me to do I said it's just a boys' game
Girls play too

My heart is working overtime

In this kind of game
Someone gets hurt

I'm afraid that someone is me

If you want to find me,

I'll be Playin' with the boys

I don't want to be the moth around your fire
I don't want to be obsessed by your desire

I'm ready, I'm leaving
I've seen enough

I've got to go
You play too rough ...

Well said, Kenny Loggins. What's that other thing, the thing that's more important than the subtext? That thing that rides atop it? Ah, that's right... the text. So allow me to revise my statement: there is no homoerotic subtext in TOP GUN, there is only homoerotic text. Let's look at a sampling of said text, which can be read aloud as a free-form tone poem:

"Pull up, Cougar. Almost there."
"You need to be doing it better and cleaner than the other guy."
"I'd like to bust your butt."
"Slide into Cougar's spot."'
"Yes, I know the finger, Goose."
"I'm gonna break high and right, see if he's really alone."
"Splash that sucker, yeah!"
"Below the hard deck does count!"
"I want somebody's butt!"
"I want some butts!"
"God, buttnose!"

And, conversely, here's an example of subtext in TOP GUN- when serenaded by Top Gun pilots who croon, a cappella, "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling," Kelly McGillis announces: "I've never seen that approach." Now here's that declaration once more, with subtext added in italics: "I've never seen that approach (outside of a piano bar)."

Now, ordinarily a propaganda puff-piece based off of a magazine article that's got more implied assjammin' than QUIET COOL should be guaranteed to entertain. But ah, there's a problem: as much as I want to like it, TOP GUN fails to recognize its inner fabulosity, gets caught up in too many lifeless dogfight sequences, and is altogether pretty dull. And I believe my working definition of the word "dull" is something along the lines of "the parts of a Michael Ironside movie where Michael Ironside is not present."

And that's precisely the problem. IRONSIDE is in TOP GUN! We've got the man on set already. Then the producers proceed to give him nothing to do, and in as few scenes as possible. He's trying his best to maintain steadfast hetero Canadian dignity in the midst of wall-to-wall sultry stares and steamy man-shenanigans that are pulling focus all over the place. He can't even teach a class without some wag hollering, "This gives me a hard-on!"

How is Ironside supposed to focus on his performance when right in front of him, Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer are wrapped in an ocular embrace worthy of a Castellari flick? That look of confusion upon Ironside's face says it all- "Why didn't you say it was gonna be this kind of flick?- I could have brought in my pleather vest from VISITING HOURS."

So Ironside is criminally underused. How about the stuff in the plus column? Well, Loggins' "Danger Zone" is played, in its entirety- intro and all- three times. I can get behind that. Tom Skerritt is solid, too.

He gets a way beefier man part than Ironside and he doesn't waste it. The cinematography by Jeffrey L. Kimball (THE EXPENDABLES, JACOB'S LADDER, TRUE ROMANCE) is robust, vigorous, and stylish, and I think that every recruiting commercial for the Navy/Army/Air Force (besides this one) has borrowed heavily from it.



In the end, though, it pains me to report that for all the camp value and Anthony Edwards' 'stache, TOP GUN really doesn't hold up. Boys: commence playing with these two and a half-stars... and mind the sharp edges!

-Sean Gill

Odd side note: three of the cast members would go on to star (or co-star) in the first season of ER: Anthony Edwards, Rick Rossovich, and Michael Ironside.

Junta Juleil's Summer '10 Movie Series
1. HELL IN THE PACIFIC (1968, John Boorman)
2. KUFFS (1992, Bruce A. Evans)
3. THE OUTFIT (1973, John Flynn)

4. FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY (1981, Eddie Nicart)

5. A*P*E (1976, Paul Leder)

6. BLIND FURY (1989, Philip Noyce)
7. HIS KIND OF WOMAN (1951, John Farrow)
8. HIGH SCHOOL U.S.A. (1983, Rod Amateau)
9. DR. JEKYLL AND MS. HYDE (1995, David Price)
10. MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL (1997, Clint Eastwood)
11. 1990: BRONX WARRIORS (1982, Enzo G. Castellari)
12. FALLING DOWN (1993, Joel Schumacher)
13. TOURIST TRAP (1979, David Schmoeller)
14. THE THREE MUSKETEERS (1973, Richard Lester)
15. BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986, John Carpenter)
16. TOP GUN (1986, Tony Scott)
17. ...

Read More

Film Review: TAPEHEADS (1988, Bill Fishman)

Stars: 3.8 of 5.

Running Time: 93 minutes.

Tag-line: "Let's Get Into Trouble, Baby!"

Notable Cast or Crew: John Cusack, Tim Robbins, Clu Gulager, Susan Tyrrell, Jessica Walter (PLAY MISTY FOR ME, Lucille on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT), Sy Richardson (STRAIGHT TO HELL, REPO MAN), Xander Berkeley (CANDYMAN, TERMINATOR 2), Don Cornelius (host of SOUL TRAIN), Stiv Bators, Bobcat Goldthwait, 'Weird Al' Yankovic, Jello Biafra, Ted Nugent, Michael Nesmith, Courtney Love, etc. Cinematography by Bojan Bazelli (SURVIVING THE GAME, KING OF NEW YORK, PATTY HEARST). Music by Fishbone.

Best one-liner: "I'm gonna make him eat that syllable!"

If you ever want to see a movie where Clu Gulager (playing a presidential candidate) is alternatingly naked, wrapped in Christmas lights, spanked by Courtney Love, and riding a shaggy-dog leather-daddy costume-clad Susan Tyrrell, then this movie is your 24/7/365 one-stop shop for Gulager perversity (or at least until FUCKING TULSA comes out).

I guarantee you this is better than TRASH HUMPERS.

Being as Gulager (THE KILLERS, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, WONDERLAND COVE) and Tyrrell (FAT CITY, CRY-BABY, FLESH + BLOOD) are the lofty standards by whom I judge all character actors, I enjoyed this thing quite a bit.

Tyrrell + Gulager = cult movie gold.

Presented by Mike Nesmith (former Monkee, producer on REPO MAN, and MTV pioneer), TAPEHEADS is a ludicrous exposé/send-up of the burgeoning MTV scene and the toilet down which it was priming to flush itself. It's far from perfect and the characters are often grating, but it possesses this energetic, anarchistic sensibility which makes it endlessly watchable. Having absurdist comedy and subculture cameos occasionally worthy of a Paul Bartel film doesn't hurt, either.

John Cusack (with oily mustache and a cigarette holder) and Tim Robbins (looking like a precursor to Napoleon Dynamite) play our fledgling entrepreneur heroes as they navigate the sleazy, sycophantic world of video production, from Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles

to the Frankenstein's monster of a band called 'Menudo.' Along the way, there's everything from Ninja gals, Svankmajer-style stop-motion food,

Was inappropriate, slightly troubling use of stop-motion food written into Cusack's contract? (Also see BETTER OFF DEAD.)

buckets of paint poured on Swedes lip-synching to Devo,

the Busey-worthy line "F.E.A.R.- False Evidence Appearing Real!," to Clu Gulager muttering phrases like "you bet yer sweet ass" and "ya pissant."

Plenty of Gulager eyebrow action, too.

The bit parts are ridiculous- Sy Richardson as a wry bartender,

Stiv Bators as an Alice Cooper knock-off,

Weird Al as himself, Jessica Walter as Clu's long-suffering wife,

Jello Biafra as an FBI man, and a very special appearance by one Mr. Bobcat Goldthwait.

The nostalgia factor is high, from all manner of terrible early 80's video transitions (the 'mirror' effect, overdone pixelation, et al.) to those ubiquitous shots of L.A., which are somehow likably evocative (think Paxton's wandering in FISH HEADS) and vaguely post-apocalyptic (think ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13).

And fans of obsolete video formats should find a lot to like here, too.

Nearly four stars worth of 80's cult movie tomfoolery- but only see it if you're in the mood for that sort of thing.

-Sean Gill

Read More