Film Review: TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: BORDELLO OF BLOOD (1996, Gilbert Adler)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.
Running Time: 87 minutes.
Tag-line: I couldn't find one, but I believe the poster image of a martini-quaffing Cryptkeeper staring at a pair of partially-clad female legs is probably tag-line enough.
Notable Cast or Crew:  Starring John Kassir (The Cryptkeeper), William Sadler (DIE HARD 2, MACHETE KILLS), Dennis Miller (comedian, THE NET, DISCLOSURE), Erika Eleniak (E.T., UNDER SIEGE, BAYWATCH), Angie Everhart (model, ex-wife of Joe Pesci, LAST ACTION HERO), Chris Sarandon (FRIGHT NIGHT, THE PRINCESS BRIDE), Corey Feldman (STAND BY ME, THE LOST BOYS), Aubrey Morris (LIFEFORCE, "Deltoid" in A CLOCKWORK ORANGE), Phil Fondacaro (TROLL, WILLOW, GHOULIES II, "Greaser Greg" in THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS THE MOVIE).  Story by Bob Gale and Robert Zemeckis (BACK TO THE FUTURE Trilogy, USED CARS), and a special appearance by Whoopi Goldberg.  Screenplay by AL Katz (FREDDY'S NIGHTMARES, TALES FROM THE CRYPT) and Gilbert Adler (producer on TALES FROM THE CRYPT and SUPERMAN RETURNS) and directed by Adler.  Produced by Adler, Katz, Zemeckis, Richard Donner, Joel Silver, Walter Hill, and the rest of the TV Crypt gang.
Best One-liner:  "Trust me, quit while you're a 'head.'"  –The Cryptkeeper

The second film of its kind, TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: BORDELLO OF BLOOD mostly serves as a feature-length reminder why TALES FROM THE CRYPT episodes should not be feature length– but along the way there is ample guilty pleasure to be enjoyed.  In fact, I think I can identify at least seven things in BORDELLO OF BLOOD that, while perhaps not approaching the mantle of "greatness," approach some effortless mantle of "sublime stupidity."  Oh yeah.  BORDELLO OF BLOOD ain't afraid to get stupid.  Real stupid.


Welcome to Angie Everhart's acting school.  I hope you're taking notes!

Produced, written, and directed by a lot of the usual suspects from the TALES FROM THE CRYPT family, BORDELLO OF BLOOD is especially notable for having an original story by Robert Zemeckis and his longtime writing partner Bob Gale.  While Zemeckis has been a CRYPT producer and director from the very beginning of the series, this marks the first time he officially made a writing contribution of any kind.  A word of advice?  Don't expect BACK TO THE FUTURE!  Instead, expect a dim retread of the previous Gale-scripted and directed episode from 1993 called "House of Horror," whereupon fraternity pledges meet their doom in a haunted house-initiation gone wrong.  In BORDELLO OF BLOOD, however, it's dumb teens who visit a vampiric brothel on the outskirts of town.  After they're reported missing, private eye Dennis Miller (?!) is on the case, which ends up involving archeology and intrigue at a local megachurch.  It's corny, slight, and predictable, but here are those seven bits of sublime stupidity that keep TALES FROM THE CRYPT fans comin' back for more:

#1.  William Sadler as the Cryptkeeper's drinkin' buddy.  Also– he's a mummy.

You get the sense that William Sadler is always having a lot of fun, whether he's doing naked kung fu in DIE HARD 2 or playing Twister against Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter in BILL AND TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY.  Technically the story kicks off as a wager between Sadler's mummy and ole' Crypty– apparently based on the quality of their stories, they sometimes cut each other to pieces for laughs or something?  (I think there's a "Cutting Cards" reference in there, too.)  This seems to exist solely for the payoff which I have catalogued under "Best One-Liner."

#2.  Bad boy Corey Feldman.  Look at him– so badass and ambiguously "90s subculture"

with his turquoise-eyeballed skull stud, his grunge jeans, leather jacket, and Bobby Briggs flannel.  He's got a TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT poster in his bedroom, too!  Regardless, this young ruffian's visit to the eponymous bordello is what kicks the plot into high gear.  Also, his (brief) presence here sorta feels like a nod to THE LOST BOYS.

Furthermore, his DEATH BECOMES HER-style demise and famous last words are poetry worthy of Lord Byron, or at least Beavis and Butthead:

"Oh shit!  This sucks! Uhhh..."


#3.  Crooked mega-pastor Chris Sarandon, wearing the worst tie of the 1990s and rocking out with his guitar like he's Chuck Berry.



This is actually what "makes" the movie, to whatever extent BORDELLO OF BLOOD can be "made."  He at first in league with the vampires (and not an actual vampire, like in the glorious FRIGHT NIGHT), helping lure young sinners to the Bordello of Blood.

Note the portrait of Sarandon on the wall behind Sarandon.

He also runs "The Lord's Shoppin' Network," wields a cross-shaped Jesus laser (which adheres to Chekhov's rule of Jesus lasers!), and pronounces laser like "lazzer."  All of this is pretty stupid, but all of this is also really good.

#4.  A rabid, demented supporting role from British character actor Aubrey Morris as an undertaker/pimp.

He knows exactly what movie he's in, and uses that as license to blaze bold and wondrous new trails in the annals of undertaker/pimpery.


#5.  Whoopi Goldberg?!

What's going on here?  She's around for about six seconds– long enough to pop up out of a hospital bed after a vampire battle and deliver the above rib-tickler.  Interestingly enough, this is not Whoopi's first TALES FROM THE CRYPT association– she also co-starred with James Remar and Vanity in the Tobe Hooper episode "Dead Wait" and even appeared as herself in the wraparound segment:

If I wrote the questions for JEOPARDY, you could bet that this would show up eventually.

#6.  A-movie (RETURN OF THE JEDI, WILLOW, THE DOORS), B-movie (GHOULIES II, TROLL, THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS) and C-movie (DOLLMAN VS. DEMONIC TOYS, RAGEWAR, MONSTER HIGH) legend Phil Fondacaro...  as Indiana Jones?!

He plays a vampire archeologist (I can't believe I just typed that) who becomes mixed up in a lot of Angie Everhart/Chris Sarandon intrigue.  This doesn't quite fit as sublime stupidity, as I must really tip my hat to their casting a little person in a role that doesn't necessarily call for one- how often does a guy like Phil Fondacaro get to play a straightforward "role," with no (troll/elf/alien/Ewok) qualification?

#7.  Dennis Miller and Chris Sarandon blast legions of vampire hookers into bloody goo-splosions with holy-water-filled Super Soakers to the resounding rock n' roll glory of The Sweet's "Ballroom Blitz."

Amen!

In the end, I'll give this two and a half stars.  I think I'm too close to it and I can't tell if I've inflated the rating or lowballed it.  Perhaps I'll let history be the judge.

–Sean Gill

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Film Review: INVASION U.S.A. (1985, Joseph Zito)

Stars: 2.8 of 5.

Running Time: 107 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew: Directed by Joseph Zito (MISSING IN ACTION, THE PROWLER).  Written by James Bruner (THE DELTA FORCE, MISSING IN ACTION), Chuck Norris, and Aaron Norris (HELLBOUND, DELTA FORCE 2).  Produced by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus.  Music by Jay Chattaway (VIGILANTE, MANIAC, SILVER BULLET).  Cinematography by João Fernandez (DEEP THROAT, DEADLY WEAPONS, CHILDREN OF THE CORN, FRIDAY THE 13TH PART IV, WALKER TEXAS RANGER).  Starring Chuck Norris, Richard Lynch (SCARECROW, THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER), Melissa Prophet (CASINO, GOODFELLAS), Eddie Jones (A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN, C.H.U.D.), Billy Drago (THE UNTOUCHABLES, DELTA FORCE 2), and James Pax (BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS).

Tag-line: "No one thought it could happen here...  America wasn't ready...  but HE was!"

Best one-liner:  "If you come back in, I'll hit you with so many rights, you'll be begging for a left!"

Is INVASION U.S.A. a good movie?  No, no it is not.  Today, I suppose it reads more like a post-election Tea Party fantasy, but back in the 80s I guess it was for the set who thought "I would have loved RED DAWN if it had been about one guy in tight denim with dual uzis instead of a teenaged guerrilla army."

Granted, "that guy" is Chuck Norris, but what I'm saying is: RED DAWN it ain't.  There are a lot of things that go wrong here– it's generally bland and doesn't have the mind-blowing action movie moxie of a DEATH WISH 3 or a STONE COLD, Chuck Norris doesn't do much in the way of martial arts and is offscreen way too often, and the supporting cast is pretty weak (the two Cannon character actors I was all psyched to see, Billy Drago and James Pax, get about a combined 2 minutes of screentime).  As far as Norris flicks go, I think I'd even have to put this one below THE HERO AND THE TERROR and SILENT RAGE.  It's even three or four steps down from DELTA FORCE 2: THE COLUMBIAN CONNECTION.

Mind the mud!

But– before you go throwing yourselves off of balconies– this is still a Norris/Cannon picture, and as such there are a handful of things that should tickle the fancy of any conoisseur of 80s trash nonsense.

"Let the fancy-tickling commence:  I'll bring the beard!"

Starring Richard Lynch as a communist-terrorist-mercenary

who wants to invade America because  we don't value our freedom enough ("They are their own worst enemy, they don't realize how we can use their freedom against them!"), INVASION U.S.A. sees Lynch proceed to "Monsters on Maple Street" the country, sowing mistrust and violence.  He expends a great deal of his resources on blowing up Chuck Norris' cabin and frightening his pet armadillo, shoots a drug-dealin' Billy Drago in the balls and tosses a hooker out the window, executes some kids making out on the beach, shoots up a Latino community center, and then heartily fucks up suburban Christmas with blasts from a rocket launcher during "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing."  Did I mention that this was sort of a Christmas movie?

"Daddy, can I put the star on top?"


FOOOOOOSH

I gotta say that the filmmakers do do a pretty good job of straight-up destroying Christmas.  But then, in a most egregious mistake, Lynch & Co. blow up a mall in the midst of holiday rush.

Ya don't mess with Reagan-era consumerism when Chuck is around, that's for sure.  And what did DEATH HUNT teach us about property rights?  Don't fuck with a man's cabin.  That's a big mistake.

And fuck with Norris' cabin they did.  They also needlessly scared the daylights out of this cute little guy:

the aforementioned pet armadillo, who might actually be my favorite element of the film.

Although, perhaps the biggest mistake they really made was killing off Drago.

This may have marked the beginning of a beautiful friendship (Drago also appears with Norris in THE HERO AND THE TERROR, DELTA FORCE 2: THE COLUMBIAN CONNECTION, and the WALKER, TEXAS RANGER episode "Terror in the Night") but he really only gets about sixty seconds to slither in and creep everybody out and say "Impress me" like he's Tom "Thrill me" Atkins in NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

before this happens

and then Lynch crams the coke straw of Drago's number-one-lady up into her sinus cavity and then tosses her out the window for good measure.

I'm not really sure what the purpose of all this was except to add some sleaze to the picture and to associate communism with American drug culture/prostitution?

Well, if you have any questions, you'll just have to ask the writer:


Yeah, Chuck just broke a bottle of Coors with his fist because he was so angry at the thought of having his artistic acumen undermined.  Well, that angry-bearded scribe brings us some rants against Social Security and the line "They're turning people against each other... even worse, they're turning them against authority!"  And it's a major plot point that all of this is happening because Norris didn't execute Lynch back when he had the chance:

Though he did kick him in the face.

And he also brings us yet another in a series of Chuck Norris characters with first names for last names:  Matt Hunter.  Also see:  Scott James, John Booker, Sean Kane, Josh Randall, etc., etc.

There's a weak plucky journalist character (Melissa Prophet- though supposedly Chuck's first choice was Whoopi Goldberg) who makes up for lack of character development by loudly calling everybody "Bozos!" and "Bastards!"  James Pax shows up impersonating a cop as he guns down partygoers at a Hispanic community center:

this guy shows up, too, the sort of ridiculous tank-top body-builder who's always wandering around Cannon Films for some reason:


and then there's a fairly great scene where Norris is threatening/propositioning Lynch via live television:

"One night you're gonna close your eyes..."

"And when you open them..."

"I'm gonna be there..."

Anyway, it gets pretty damn dull in stretches, and I think it might be because it was one of Cannon's biggest budgets (at $10 million) thus far.  Therefore, I theorize, they wanted to show it off with lots of shots of trucks driving and soldiers assembling and crowds running and tanks driving around instead of shots of street dancers and spandex'd henchmen and chicken being good and all.  I think Cannon wanted to make a "real" movie, and for that reason it loses a little of its charm.  Not all of it– not even close– but some.

Anyway, it practically redeems itself with an abrupt finale involving bazookas which recalls another Cannon film abrupt finale involving bazookas from 1985, DEATH WISH 3.  You see, Chuck and Richard Lynch are in a hallway with bazookas, sort of cruising each other


when this happens

in all of its UNNNNNNNNNNNNNN-YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH glory.  Roll credits.

At least you knew how to go out with a bang, INVASION U.S.A.– I'll give ya that!

-Sean Gill

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Film Review: HOMER AND EDDIE (1989, Andrei Konchalovsky)

Stars: 2.2 of 5.
Running Time: 102 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: James Belushi, Whoopi Goldberg, John Waters (director of PINK FLAMINGOS and SERIAL MOM), Anne Ramsey (THE GOONIES, DEADLY FRIEND), Mickey Jones (TOTAL RECALL, EXTREME PREJUDICE), Karen Black (FIVE EASY PIECES, INVADERS FROM MARS), Vincent Schiavelli (ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, LORD OF ILLUSIONS), Tracey Walter (REPO MAN, MORTUARY ACADEMY), 'Tiny' Lister (EXTREME PREJUDICE, JACKIE BROWN), Pruitt Taylor Vince (NATURAL BORN KILLERS, WILD AT HEART), Wayne Grace (DANCES WITH WOLVES, MULHOLLAND DR.), Robert Glaudini (CUTTING CLASS; GRUNT! THE WRESTLING MOVIE).
Tag-line: "She's ruthless - He's witless - They're on the road together and falling apart at the seams!"
Best one-liner: "What the fuck is a brain stem?"

Sometimes when I can't tell if a film is supposed to be a comedy or a drama, and James Belushi happens to be in it, all I have to do is look at his credit: if it says 'Jim' (SNOW DOGS, CANADIAN BACON, ABRAXIS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE, JUMPIN' JACK FLASH) it's probably intended to be a comedy, and if it says 'James' (SALVADOR, WILD PALMS, THIEF), it probably means that he wants to be taken seriously. HOMER AND EDDIE is a film which pendulates wildly between the full on-whacky and the quasi-profound, but for the record, he's credited as 'James.'

A lot of 70's and 80's movies struggle to maintain a consistent tone (INTO THE NIGHT, THE END, FREEBIE AND THE BEAN, SOMETHING WILD, HOWARD THE DUCK, and STROKER ACE come to mind), establishing themselves as Zany with a capital Z, and then pulling the rug out with something that's Heavy with a capital H. It's not to say that this will derail an entire film, or that tonal shifts can't be done well (see the Coens, David Lynch, et al.), but it's possible that two disparate tones have never been quite so at odds with one another as is the case in HOMER AND EDDIE. For example, we follow up a disquieting scene with a terminally ill woman smashing her head into a bathroom mirror...

...with one that involves hootin' n' hollerin' whilst driving past a bus full of nubile cheerleaders while set to peppy 80' grooves. A serious theological discussion that ends with Whoopi screaming, in all seriousness, "THERE AIN'T NO FUCKING GOD!" is followed by a fix-em-up montage set to tender guitar and wailin', sultry saxophone.

Directed by the writer of IVAN'S CHILDHOOD and ANDREI RUBLEV (!) and Cannon Films director-in-residence (RUNAWAY TRAIN, MARIA'S LOVERS, SHY PEOPLE) Andrei Konchalovsky, HOMER AND EDDIE is the tale of a brain-damaged man-child (James Belushi) and a brain-tumored sociopath (Whoopi Goldberg) who join forces and go on a West Coast road trip in search of the meaning of life, the meaning of family, and a missing eighty-seven dollars.

In short, it's a coming of age drama, a zany buddy-trip flick, an on-the-lam crime thriller, a fish out of water story, a Depression-era throwback (that's kind of a 1980's OF MICE AND MEN), a sex farce, and a cult movie. It's like somebody thought that combining RAIN MAN, SOMETHING WILD, and PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE would in some way be a good idea.
[The only movies of the era I can think of which can properly pull off the Americana road trip scenario along with flashes of beauty and violence and comedy and pathos are Jim Jarmusch's MYSTERY TRAIN and David Lynch's WILD AT HEART.]

Our leads do a pretty good job of 'running it up the flagpole,' so to speak. Belushi tries his hardest to pull off 'lovable, mentally disabled man.' The fact that I didn't find it entirely offensive is a tremendous credit to Belushi's acting chops.

I became something of a latter-day Whoopi fan only after seeing her performance in FATAL BEAUTY, and she's pretty amusing here, rampaging about and robbing people and uttering rejoinders such as "You're like Frankenstein and shit!" She anchors the erratic and ridiculous character with enough humanity that I was never actively pissed at her, and again, that is something of an achievement. You know a film is not hitting it's mark when I have to compliment it in terms 'what was not actively aggravating me.'

When you'd fear that all hope is lost- in a twist that really blew my mind– there's a goddamned parade of iconic cult actors in bit parts. Just look at this rogue's gallery:

Michael Ironside's best bud and ex-Bob-Dylan-drummer Mickey Jones as a redneck manhandled by Whoopi in a diner:


Legendary melancholy-faced character actor Vincent Schiavelli as a priest who refuses to grant Whoopi absolution for murder:


Former wrestler and action film standby Tommy 'Tiny' Lister as a heat-packin' clubgoer begrudingly won over by Belushi's cutesyness:


Crabby acting icon Anne Ramsey as a grizzled convenience store owner keeping an eagle eye out for shoplifters:


70's giant Karen Black as the insane madam of a low-rent, Southwestern, tin-shed whorehouse:


Pruitt Taylor Vince as an unlucky liquor store owner:


Director John Waters as a thieving, flaming highwayman who declares "Move it, maggot!":


And cult actor extraordinaire Tracey Walter as a stuttering cop and boyhood friend of Belushi.


Whew! In closing, I still like Konchalovsky. RUNAWAY TRAIN remains an all-time favorite, and HOMER AND EDDIE is by no means a terrible film, it's merely a misguided one. Probably the most inspired bit of work done on the film is by sometime Golan-Globus and Full Moon Pictures casting director Robert MacDonald (BARFLY, MURPHY'S LAW, RUNAWAY TRAIN, AMERICAN NINJA, TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2, THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM, SUBSPECIES, CASTLE FREAK, TRANCERS II) who assembled enough eclectic performers and bizarro cameos to really keep things interesting, even if it was something along the lines of 'What notorious cult performer will pop up next?!'

For its status as a (misconceived) labor of love and a treasure trove of unexpected personalities: a little over two stars.

-Sean Gill

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