Book Review: THE FOG: THE NOVELIZATION (1980, Dennis Etchison)

Stars:  3.7 of 5.
Length:  180 pages.
Publisher:  Bantam Books, NY.
Tag-line:  "The terror filled novel– based on a motion picture written by John Carpenter and Debra Hill."
Back cover blurb:  "Before the light of dawn, you will know the vengeful fury of the dead.  Tonight the fog that rises off the California coast is different.  And deadly.  A writhing icy mist pulsing with terror.  It is too late to escape.  Even now the people of Antonio Bay are cut off, engulfed.  Along darkened streets, death searches them out.  There is no sanctuary for the living.  Those who are doomed will die horribly.  Those who are spared will suffer the endless fear of a soul-chilling night when the dead, finally, return for revenge.  THE FOG: NOW A MAJOR RELEASE FROM AVCO EMBASSY PICTURES."

Now here's some real Carpy marginalia– the novelization of THE FOG!  Longtime readers will note that THE FOG is one my all-time favorite horror movies, and I did a write-up about it a few years back which you can read here.  (Others will note that I was even so moved by THE FOG that I wrote a three-part series of John Carpenter fanfiction entitled "Carpy & the Cap'n" which chronicles the fictitious attempts to combine a CAPTAIN RON sequel with a spin-off of THE FOG.)

Anyway, as to the novelization:  surprise, surprise– it's basically the movie.  But amid its cheap and yellowed pages there's some nice ghostly atmosphere, the clear influence of writers like Ray Bradbury and M.R. James, and some fine horror nostalgia for fans of Young Adult lit in the 1980s.

A little background:  from page one, you can tell that Dennis Etchison is a higher caliber of writer than those who usually pen these sorts of trashy mass-market rush-jobs.  His C.V. is of interest, too:  he  was the President of the American Horror Writers' association in the early 90s, wrote an un-produced adaptation of THE MIST in the early 80s, was Stephen King's film consultant on the nonfiction DANSE MACABRE, and was a staff writer on TV's THE HITCHHIKER (you can read a rundown of my love/hate relationship with that particular series here).   Later, under the pseudonym of Jack Martin, he wrote the novelizations for HALLOWEEN II, HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH, and VIDEODROME, one of which will be the subject of a forthcoming review.

Now, without further ado, my Top Six favorite moments from the paperback novelization of THE FOG:

#1.  The opening lines:

     "The moon rose over the bay, round and burnished as a golden doubloon.  It hung there high above the black waters, breaking the even waves with yellow tips and tinting the flat sand and the beach houses and the jagged trees behind them with a faint, ghostly pallor, a reflection of its polished, uneven face."

Etchison really sets the stage– evocative, ornate, maybe even a little overblown.  But that's good.  He's not a hack, and this isn't simply a paycheck for him.  Right off the bat, he's letting us know that he intends to take the novelization of THE FOG very, very seriously.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

#2.  Father Malone (Hal Holbrook in the movie)'s alcoholism: 

     "Ought to put the wine away, he supposed.  But why bother?  The boy had smelled it on his breath enough times.  ...He turned slowly and gave the boy a sleepy smile, rotating the stem of the crystal wine glass in his fingers." 

and his self-condemnation:

     "His robes flowed open, rustling over the uneven stones as the material filled with dank air and blossomed around his thin body.  From time to time his bare heels caught and tripped on the hem, but he took no notice of the tearing of the vestment as he drifted on, circling the pews beneath darkling stained glass, doomed to visit, again and again, without end, the stations of his dispensation."

Malone's soul, racked with guilt over the misdeeds of his ancestors, has become that classical archetype of the "whisky priest."   This is what movie novelizations are all about– the writer has to fill his paragraphs with something extra– so why not explore in depth what is mostly alluded to in the movie?


#3.  Evocative prose.

     "He marched across the sand, packed smooth again during the night, the red float at the end of his fishing line swinging in the sky in front of him like a brave winking eye, leading the way. ...  Already his cheeks were burning as the breeze combed his hair back with a fine spray from the riptide.  Far down the beach at the cusp of the bay, a big dog, an Irish setter or golden retriever, pawed for sand crabs and then broke into a loping run at the gulls that were sunning themselves at the waterline, kicking up a muddy trail and then dashing for safety, his legs splaying wildly and his pink tongue flying, as the water washed in to fill his footprints with clear bubbles."

The seaside has always impelled writers to employ poetic language, and Dennis Etchison is no exception.  And though it's not quite worthy of William Faulkner, that closing sentence up there is pretty damn lengthy for a movie-based paperback, intended to be disposable reading for people on summer vacation!


#4.  That stomach-pounder reference!

As I explained in-depth in my review of HALLOWEEN 6, a throwaway line in THE FOG has led to much debate about what, exactly, a "stomach-pounder" is.
Here, is that section from the novel, replicated in all of it's glory:

     "'Mom, can I go get a Stomach Pounder and a Coke?'
How quickly they change gears, she thought.  Exit the wood to the junk pile, enter the Golden Arches.  'After lunch.  Did you eat your breakfast?'
     "Yeah.  I'm gonna go look for another one [piece of driftwood -SG].    Maybe this time I can get the gold coin!'
     He jumped off the bed and raced out of the bedroom."

Well, now it certainly looks like the person who theorized it meant "Quarter Pounder from McDonald's" was right, given the reference to the "Golden Arches."  But again this raises the question– why would he get a Quarter Pounder after lunch?  Perhaps we will never know. 

#5.  Added material.

There's not a whole lot here that's not in the movie, but, for example, Stevie (Adrienne Barbeau) notices a crucified starfish on her property; we spend a lot more time with Dan O'Bannon (Charles Cyphers) and his daily routine, which involves a daredevil coastal drive to the weather station; and Andy (Ty Mitchell, who plays Adrienne Barbeau's son) has an extended dream sequence with evil pirates, Davy Jones, and a giant manta ray ("...the remains of the great pirate Davy Jones himself.  An electric eel was slithering alive inside the empty skull, lighting the eyesockets with a blinding florescence.  A host of plankton jetted by, tinging the water around Andy with a glow like Greek fire.")


#6.  Like the movie, it leaves plenty to the imagination.

The violence is muted and atmospheric, remaining true to Carpenter's vision.  From the death of Mrs. Kobritz:

"Had he looked back over his shoulder one last time to argue, he would have seen a tall shape solidifying behind Mrs. Kobritz, a stringy black hand reaching around her head from the outside, closing at her chin, covering her mouth so that she could not scream, and lifting her as if she were a rag doll straight up into the air, leaving her empty shoes toppling on the welcome mat." 

And so there you have it.  THE FOG: THE NOVELIZATION.  Not an essential work of literature by any means, but far better than it needed to be! 

–Sean Gill

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Only now does it occur to me... EMPIRE OF PASSION

Only now does it occur to me... that renowned Japanese arthouse maverick, shrimp tempura fan, and Criterion Collection favorite Nagisa Oshima (IN THE REALM OF THE SENSES, MERRY CHRISTMAS MR. LAWRENCE, BOY, TABOO, MAX MON AMOUR) was capable of deluxe, Lucio Fulci-style eye trauma.


 
WHAT?!  Look at that... individual blades of grass, dropped down a well by a ghost, plummeting downward, and impaling a woman's eyes.  Christ!  I feel like even a thousand Lucio Fulcis hammering away on a thousand typewriters for twenty years wouldn't have even come up with that one.

Umm...  Bravo?

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Film Review: THE WARD (2011, John Carpenter)

Stars: 3.2 of 5.
Running Time: 88 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Amber Heard (ZOMBIELAND, DRIVE ANGRY 3D), Jared Harris (NATURAL BORN KILLERS, NAJDA), Mamie Gummer (JOHN ADAMS, HEARTBURN), Danielle Panabaker (FRIDAY THE 13TH reboot, THE CRAZIES remake), Lyndsy Fonseca (HOT TUB TIME MACHINE, BOSTON PUBLIC), Mika Boorem (HEARTS IN ATLANTIS, ALONG CAME A SPIDER). Music by Mark Kilian (TSOTSI, BONE DADDY). Cinematography by Yaron Orbach (THE TEN, PLEASE GIVE). Written by Michael and Shawn Rasmussen (LONG DISTANCE).
Tag-line: "Only Sanity Can Keep You Alive."
Best one-liner: I don't know, it's not really that kind of movie.

I'll take a break from the countdown to share my thoughts on Carpy's latest effort. I saw it two nights ago, in Times Square, in the only New York theater showing it, on the penultimate day of a week-long, mere seven-screening run. This screening was attended by myself and three other people, one of whom was a classic "frequent flier" who obviously had stumbled into the theater after a long day spent at the multiplex (at the cost of a single ticket). The others were, I assume, Carpenter die-hards, but one never does know about these things. I don't know if the poor attendance is due to bad marketing, or the fact that it's on-demand concurrently with the modest theatrical run (and with the DVD soon on the way), but it all sort of depresses me.
Now, THE WARD is not a bad movie; in fact, it's a pretty good one, all things considered. Sure, it's third-tier Carpy, but it's almost as good as VAMPIRES, and probably at the same level as GHOSTS OF MARS, VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED, and CIGARETTE BURNS, all of which grew in stature with the passage of time. In fact, that's one of the best things about Carpy's films- you can never really judge them in the year they came out; they almost all seem to improve with age, even MEMOIRS OF AN INVISIBLE MAN. Yes, even that.

I'll begin with the bad so we can end with the good. The script, by Michael and Shawn Rasmussen, is often boneheaded, generic, and possessing a finale that is...well, I'll get to it in due time. The banter for the female mental patients ("Sorry, I don't converse with loonies," "If I were you I'd watch out, new girl!") sounds like it was written by a couple of dweeby guys who've played so many poorly-plotted video games and watched so much third-rate television that the half-baked ramblings of female clichés in Sci-Fi original movies begin to sound to them like poetry. This ties into larger theories I've expressed about the clandestine dumbing-down of society by inundating us with bottom-of-the-barrel programming– if you surround yourself with soulless, counterfeit "humanity," pretty soon you're going to be writing stories about soulless, counterfeit humanity, and because it's invaded your mind like a cliché of a cliché, you're going to think it's naturalistic; perhaps even poignant. Then there's a twist ending which cashes in on a craze which was just as hackneyed a decade ago as it is now– a twist for twist's sake, the sort of conclusion that elicits a collective groan, a shifting of seats, a rolling of eyes, and the desperate thought that If only they'd take back that dumb twist, this could be a much better movie!...but, alas, they can't take it back.
Also, there's a little unnecessary CGI (not a lot, but it becomes all the more maddening because it doesn't really serve a purpose), and the film employs a multitude of modern "flash-scares" (Carpy used them in CIGARETTE BURNS, for example), which are markedly different from his tried and true "jump scares" (like in HALLOWEEN, IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS, THE THING, etc.) in that they're extremely short, abrupt, loud, and not altogether successful. I suppose that a "flash-scare" is sort of like a mad-ape, homerun swing– but without the necessary follow-through.

But onto the good:
The opening makes ya tingle inside– low, ominous corridor shots like in THE THING,

and then WOOOSH!– that good old Albertus font that Carpy loves so much announces that we're watching:

It's just nice to see that on the screen again, ten years after GHOSTS OF MARS. I'd have given a standing ovation, but there were only four people in the theater, and I didn't want to out-crazy the frequent flier.

It's largely up to Amber Heard to carry the movie, and while it's nowhere near being a "genius horror-heroine performance" like Angela Bettis in MAY or Mia Farrow in ROSEMARY'S BABY or Sissy Spacek in CARRIE, I was still impressed by her ability to shoulder the burden through the dry stretches.

Jared Harris is solid, as usual, as a well-meaning (...or is he?) staff doctor, and the rest of the girls are serviceable as well, despite not quite looking era-appropriate (it's a 60's period piece).
The soundtrack, by Mark Kilian, ain't bad. It's sort of Danny Elfman-children chanting-by-way-of-Ennio Morricone, and it lends a ghostly vibe to the film that's quite effective, for the most part. And there are a few "thump-thump... thump-thump..." classic Carpenter bass riffs (think THE THING) which Carpy admitted to tapping out personally.
Yaron Orbach's cinematography isn't as good as Gary Kibbe's (and it goes without saying that it's not as good as Dean Cundey's), but it's still pretty evocative, and manages to inject a sense of menace into a film which is illuminated by sunlight at least 60% of the time.

There's foreboding exteriors, some nice Greg Nicotero makeup (though to a certain extent it's marred by that unnecessary CGI!), eye trauma worthy of Fulci, a clip from Bert I. Gordon's TORMENTED, a random free-style "impromptu wacky girls dancing" scene (long live the 80's!), some real jolts, and some genuinely exciting setpieces.
In the end, I have to say (while not sounding like too much of an apologist) that Carpy did the best he could with the material. Despite a cookie-cutter, straight-to-video style script, he's made a movie that's often gripping, occasionally frightening, and always bearing a stamp of Carpenter craftsmanship, even if it can't always live up to the days of yore standards of Carpenter quality. It's not a classic, but it's still a new addition to the Carpy canon, and after all this time, by God, that's GREAT. Here's to Carpy's next one– I only hope I don't have to wait until 2021.

-Sean Gill

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Film Review: THE INNOCENTS (1961, Jack Clayton)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 100 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Deborah Kerr (BLACK NARCISSUS, FROM HERE TO ETERNITY), Peter Wyngarde (FLASH GORDON, JASON KING), Megs Jenkins (INDISCREET, OLIVER!), Michael Redgrave (THE LADY VANISHES, THE BROWNING VERSION), Martin Stephens (VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED), Pamela Franklin (THE LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE, THE PRIME OF MISS JEAN BRODIE). Music by Georges Auric (THE WAGES OF FEAR, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST). Cinematography by Freddie Francis (THE ELEPHANT MAN, CAPE FEAR '91). Sound design by Ken Ritchie (ROOM AT THE TOP) and John Cox (LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, DR. STRANGELOVE, THE THIRD MAN). Directed by Jack Clayton (THE GREAT GATSBY, SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES). Adapted by Truman Capote and William Archibald (I CONFESS) from the novella by Henry James.
Tag-line: "Apparitions? Evils? Corruptions?"
Best one-liner: "It was only the wind, my dear." or maybe "I wish there was a way to sleep in several rooms at once..."

In a familiar alleyway, now decorated with Victorian flair...

"THE INNOCENTS! Holy shit, THE INNOCENTS!"
–"What are you prattling on about?"
"One of the most beautiful, terrifying, and well-acted films ever made. A titan of cinema! THE TURN OF THE SCREW adapted with intricate and perverse panache from Truman Capote under the workmanlike direction of Jack Clayton and through the dark and exquisite lens of Freddie Francis!"

–"I think I read that in high school. Snoresville, U.S.A."
"You take that back! Henry James was a genius!"
–"More like Henry Lames, I sez."
"I oughta drag your ass to the Colosseum and straighten you out, DAISY MILLER-style!"
–"You and what army, booger bits?!"
"Hey, did you just quote MURPHY'S LAW?"
–"So what if I did?"
"This is the problem, man. You live in intellectual poverty. Something like THE INNOCENTS is precisely what you need."
–"Fine. So sell it to me."
"A disconcerting soundscape of gnarled, horrific screams and screeching pencils on slate echoing across a grotesque nightmare of overlapping images. A sound design comprised of a cacophony of ghoulish noises and tones, ahead of its time insofar as it didn't meet its equal until Lynch's ERASERHEAD. A cherubic statue holds severed hands and regurgitates a cockroach.

We close our eyes and seek solace in nature to escape- the croaking of frogs, the chirping of birds, and the murmur of a babbling stream. But these indicators of normalcy fall away and we're left with disquieting quiet– a dream zone where anything can happen and our worst fears are surely to be realized. A child sings in the darkness. Hands pray. A figure on the roof. Something flutters behind the glass.




We look for respite, but none is to be found. The child hums, insincerely, staring out of the window at the Stygian garden below. What does she know that we do not?


It is past midnight. For what does she wait? And for whom? If we could merely shed some light into this dusky chamber, perhaps we would find only the innocuous trappings of youth; hobby-horses and music boxes and paddleballs. Or perhaps we would find something more sinister: something perfidious and unearthly..."
–"Alright, I'm intrigued."
"That was just the mood. Now, the script. The story is full of baroque complexity and disturbing innuendo befitting of the legendarily prim James. Scholars have parsed each and every syllable of his private letters, hoping to gain some insight into his personal life. (T.S. Eliot said 'He had a mind so fine, that no idea could violate it!') Was he straight? Was he gay? Was he asexual? No one seems able to reach a consensus: he held his cards as close to his chest in his life as in his fictions. ...On the other hand we have the Truman Capote adaptation. Rarely would one use the word 'subtle' to describe his substantial persona, full of larger-than-life literary posturing. Even his suggestive biographical photo from the dustjacket of his 1948 novel OTHER VOICES, OTHER ROOMS caused a scandal (which Capote quite possibly intended). So we have James, the furtive, Victorian master of equivocation; and then we have Capote, the outspoken, Southern-fried celebrity. In other words, Capote's tired of sneaking around- and he pushes the weird, frightening childish sexuality to the story's forefront, making even the most jaded viewer quite antsy. Uncomfortable mouth to mouth adult/child kissing? Sure, let's put it in! Take that, 1961 mainstream cinema! And so, the union of James and Capote at once feels completely natural and wholly unnatural. A perfect combination for an ambiguous literary work which had the 1898 critics as aflutter with theories as, say, the 1997 IMDb message boards for LOST HIGHWAY.
–"That's quite interesting, but–"
"And the acting. Dear God, the acting! Deborah Kerr considered it her finest performance, and I'm inclined to agree with her. She takes vulnerability, mania, and sheer nerve, bundling them together into a complex woman whose motives are either completely clearheaded or outright psychotic.

She takes James' material and embodies it so honestly that either camp can use the entirety of her performance as evidence to back their cause. Pamela Franklin and Martin Stephens (whose 'Miles' is one of the greatest condescending shitbirds of cinema)


deliver possibly the finest child performances of all time. I'm not kidding- it's almost as if two genius thespians trod the boards for fifty or sixty years, living full lives and procuring the illuminations of old age only to find themselves trapped inside the bodies of ten-year-olds, performing in THE INNOCENTS. Of course, this strange quality of 'maturity-beyond-their-years' works in the film's favor: without such talented, unsettling child actors, the whole endeavor would fall flat on its face. This is why I never want to see a contemporary, airbrushed, overproduced adaptation of THE TURN OF THE SCREW starring K-Mart models, or whatever passes for child acting these days. Anyway, there is also a small but mesmerizing role by Peter Wyngarde who, in real life looks like your standard, gaunt Englishman- but in THE INNOCENTS, uses his talents to such a degree that even the most steadfast of viewers will be subject to the involuntary curdling of blood and curling of hair. Also, Michael Redgrave shows up to turn in an excellent, foreboding bit part."
–"Well, now you've made such a case that I'm afraid to see it."
"Fine. Why don't you go watch EEGAH, or something that you can handle."
–"Isn't Arch Hall in that? I like Arch Hall."
"..."

-Sean Gill

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13 GHOSTS (1960, William Castle)

Stars: 3.5 of 5.
Running Time: 85 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Charles Herbert (THE FLY, HOUSEBOAT), Jo Morrow (OUR MAN IN HAVANA, THE THREE WORLDS OF GULLIVER), Martin Milner (SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS, ADAM-12), Rosemary DeCamp (BLOOD ON THE SUN), Donald Woods (TRUE GRIT, THE STORY OF LOUIS PASTEUR), Margaret Hamilton (The Wicked Witch of the West in THE WIZARD OF OZ).
Tag-line: " 13 Times the Thrills! 13 Times the Chills! 13 Times the Fun!"
Best one-liner: "He doesn't mess up the kitchen often, but when he does, WOW!"

One of William Castle's most beloved films, 13 GHOSTS gave the world Illusion-O. Illusion-O so irrevocably altered the landscape of cinema, that no one has dared to work within its eerie confines since. Illusion-O, plainly speaking, is a form of film-making, that, when observed in concert with a ghost-viewing apparatus (like the one seen below), allows us to... well, view ghosts.

It's extraordinarily complex, but I'll attempt to explain. By peering through the red cellophane on the upper end of the mechanism, the ghosts will appear, quite vibrantly. Using the blue end of the device, however, allows us to remove ghosts.

This begs the question of 'who would choose to attend a film entitled 13 GHOSTS and then decide they'd prefer not to see any ghosts?', but this is a William Castle picture, so we oughtn't to split hairs. If you elect not to use the contraption at all, you'll see ghosts all right, but faintly. Don't worry, though, all of this is adequately explained at the picture's start by William Castle himself. "Do you believe in ghosts?," he asks.

"Personally, I do," he confesses. After explaining the minutiae of ghost-viewer usage, he urges us to explain the whole thing to any late-comers who missed his special introduction. This is perhaps the only time in film history that a director has urged an audience to interrupt his film after it's begun, and it's even for the convenience of the tardy! It's sort of like Hitchcock's "No one...BUT NO ONE will be admitted to the theatre after the start of each performance of PSYCHO."

Except if it was more like "No one...BUT NO ONE will be admitted to the theatre after the start of each performance of PSYCHO, unless there are audience members ready and willing to provide a rundown of everything that's happened thus far, including the quoting of pertinent dialogue."

Anyway, I don't wish to entirely spoil the majesty that is 13 GHOSTS with a synopsis (that's probably the job of the person sitting next to you when you roll in late), so let's explore ten of my favorite things about 13 GHOSTS.

#1. Why is the family's last name Zorba? Why do some of them have 'Greek' names like Medea Zorba and Plato Zorba? Is this some kind of hi-larious gag devised to make us think, subconsciously, about ZORBA THE GREEK? Why do the other family names like Cyrus and Buck and Ben and Hilda not adhere to this principle?

#2. The paintings of the Ghosts from the opening sequence.

I'm hard-pressed to imagine anyone not falling in love with them.

#3. The way that characters refer to 'speaking about ghosts' as "spook talk." Which is exactly what Vincent Price called it in Castle's HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL!

#4. The killer pinwheel of fire ghost.

Why?, you might ask. "WHY NOT?!", Bill Castle might reply. Seriously, though, what the hell is going on there?

#5. Emilio, the murderous Italian chef who occasionally meat-cleavers the hell out of the kitchen.

And I know they had to make sure it was visible in Illusion-O, but look how overboard they went with the mustache:

It's not even hair- I think it's an enormous piece of paper cut into the shape of a mustache. God bless Bill Castle.

#6. This creepy housekeeper. She just looks kinda familiar.

Something about her and that old broom.

Like she should be riding it or something. Hmmm....

#7. The fact that the dad is not overly concerned that his 8-year old kid has a "big secret" with a random lawyer fellow. The dad merrily announces, "Buck's got a secret...I bet you could cut his arm off and he wouldn't tell!"

Buck considers the lawyer's proposition.


The skeezy lawyer in question.

#8. The way that the family pendulates between extreme horror and utter boredom. At one moment, they're dodging floating meat cleavers and screaming.

In the next, they might be calmly reading a book on the divan, wondering why the other family members are making such a fuss about these 'ghosts.' My guess?- it was probably shot so quickly (and out of order), that the actors didn't know at which points in the script they'd already had 'ghostly encounters' and ought to be acting accordingly.

#9. Not only does William Castle have a skeleton receptionist, the doorknob to his office is...a cobweb-encrusted skull!


#10. The ending. Like LET'S KILL UNCLE, Castle opts to end on a faux-cheery note of unbridled optimism which reaches such heights of absurdity that it can only be labelled as subversive.

Then William Castle appears once more, and challenges us- should we still refuse to believe in ghosts– to take our ghost-viewers home, get up in the middle of the night, and look through the red end of the device...if we dare!
Amen.

-Sean Gill

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Film Review: BURNT OFFERINGS (1976, Dan Curtis)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 116 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Oliver Reed, Karen Black, Bette Davis, Burgess Meredith, Eileen Heckart (HEARTBREAK RIDGE, THE BAD SEED), Dub Taylor (BONNIE AND CLYDE, THE WILD BUNCH), Anthony James (VANISHING POINT, UNFORGIVEN), Lee Montgomery (GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN, THE MIDNIGHT HOUR). Based on the novel by Robert Marasco (author of the Tony-award winning CHILD'S PLAY- no relation to Chucky).
Tag-line: "The perfect summer rental for the last vacation you'll ever take."
Best one-liner: "I hate this place! I want to get of here. I HATE IT!"

Sort of a proto-SHINING (it's a 1976 film based on a 1973 novel, and King's novel wasn't published until 1977), BURNT OFFERINGS is a fairly enjoyable specimen of both the 'gothic haunted house' and 'descent into insanity' subgenres. A family (patriarch Oliver Reed, matriarch Karen Black, kiddie Lee Montgomery, and wacky aunt Bette Davis) is tasked with caring for a mansion while its owners (a crazed Burgess Meredith and Eileen Heckart) are away, but they encounter an evil, Victorian presence which draws them closer and closer to the brink of madness. Directed by the legendary purveyor of horror television, Dan Curtis (DARK SHADOWS, THE NIGHT STALKER, TRILOGY OF TERROR), it's atmospheric, dark, and labyrinthine, but it never quite congeals into an effective film.

BURNT OFFERINGS is dreamlike. When one says that a film's atmosphere is "dreamlike," it's often the highest of compliments– after all, one of filmdom's greatest ambitions is to transmit one's ethereal fantasies and nightmares onto the tangible substance that is celluloid. So allow me to elaborate: "the movie was so dreamlike I nearly fell asleep."

Occasionally filmmakers, in the service of making a sequence hazier or more phantasmagorical, will use a soft focus, an overexposure, some vaseline on the lens, or some combination therein. BURNT OFFERINGS uses this on every single shot.

I don't know if it's the fault of the DVD transfer or part of Dan Curtis' original vision, but needless to say, it's a bit much. So I'm gonna go ahead and say it: the movie drags, it's often nonsensical, and in general it feels as if you're peering at the narrative through a pair of non-prescription reading glasses purchased from the Drug Mart clearance rack for $1.59. But all is not lost, by any means. There's still a lot of reasons to like BURNT OFFERINGS. Here are nine of them:

#1. Filmed at the historic Dunsmuir House in Oakland, California (where they also shot PHANTASM!), the location is spectacular enough to carry even a generic haunted house tale.


#2. Remember when we were hanging out that one time and I was like "Man, I wish there was a movie out there where Bette Davis got her sweet ass slapped" and you were like "Yeah, it's too bad she passed away, now it'll never happen" and then we both kinda looked off into the distance, feeling at once deviant and forlorn?

Well, for your benefit and mine, Ollie Reed took the plunge with kind of a grab/pat which is rendered all the more disturbing since he's doing it to his (in-film) aunt. Mr. Reed must have been big on the impromptu ass grab, 'cause he does it to Karen Black, too:

God bless ya, Ollie Reed.

#3. Speaking of whom, if there's four states of matter (solid, liquid, gas, & plasma), there are two states of Oliver Reed (drunk, and in need of a drink). I could bore you all with the equations and formulae, but I shan't. Just take my word for it. We get both kinds in BURNT OFFERINGS.

Exhibit A: Oliver Reed drunk.


Exhibit B: Oliver Reed in need of a drink.

Note the frustration and inner tumult.

#4. Continuing in this vein, we bear witness to the rare phenomenon of an Ollie Reed summertime belly flop.

Either, A. the man does not know how to dive in a pool, B., it was a specific character choice, or C., he was drunk. I'll allow you to answer that one for yourself.

#5. The creepy chauffeur. Glimpsed only in flashback, and played by Anthony James (of IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT, UNFORGIVEN, GUNSMOKE, HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER, etc.),

he's probably the creepiest element of the film. His death's head grin is quite unnerving, and his tall, skeletal form is remembered from a funeral scene in Oliver Reed's character's childhood. The presence of the Dunsmuir House and an eerie, gangly, villainous presence (at a funeral, no less...like the Tall Man?) makes one believe that this must have been an influence on PHANTASM (though I see PHANTASM as the far superior film).

#6. Bette Davis. She's better than this movie, and she knows it. She mutters remarks like "Old people- they do crazy things sometimes!" She berates other family members, and does it while holding a ludicrously long cigarette holder.

But she believes in a paycheck, even if it involves having her ass slapped by Oliver Reed. Horror fans take note: her righteous devotion to paychecks brought us such classics as RETURN FROM WITCH MOUNTAIN, THE WATCHER IN THE WOODS, and WICKED STEPMOTHER. We must not forget this.

Pass the sloppy lipstick.

#7. Ornery Peckinpah fave Dub Taylor.

He's not in the film for long, but, as always, he possesses that same old crotchety, grizzled energy that made him such a favorite in the Western genre.

#8. Burgess Meredith.

Whether it's a TWILIGHT ZONE episode, a ROCKY movie, or a scene from THE MANITOU, whenever Burgess Meredith is on screen, I am beaming like a proud parent. The man puts a smile on my face, what can I say. Confined to a wheelchair and basically only appearing in the film's opening sequence, Meredith nonetheless showers us with his completely insane, endlessly talkative, freakishly madcap joie de vivre.

#9. Karen Black.

Now, based on my SHINING comparison, one might assume that only Oliver Reed undergoes the caretaker-style descent into madness, but Karen Black really gets in on the action, too. Her brilliantly erratic, unpredictable talents that are on view in such dramas as FIVE EASY PIECES, BORN TO WIN, and THE GREAT GATSBY find an excellent outlet in the context of a horror film. She and Oliver Reed make for an amazingly volatile screen pairing–

it's a pity that the narrative itself does not manage to harness any of the pizazz which they're bringing to the table.

In the end, BURNT OFFERINGS brings together a phalanx of extraordinary actors to the perfect haunted locale, but fails to make anything truly interesting happen there. It certainly holds the attention, but for pure insanity's sake, I have to recommend instead THE SENTINEL, PHANTASM, HOUSE, or HAUSU; and for enthusiasts of 'melancholy horror,' I prefer THE CHANGELING, CASTLE FREAK, or ANGEL HEART.

Still, three stars. Pass the Coors.

-Sean Gill

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