Film Review: HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION (2002, Rick Rosenthal)

Stars: 1 of 5.
Running Time: 94 minutes.
Notable Cast and Crew: Jamie Lee Curtis (HALLOWEEN, PERFECT, PROM NIGHT, TERROR TRAIN), Busta Rhymes (SHAFT '00, NARC), Tyra Banks (THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR, COYOTE UGLY), Ryan Merriman (FINAL DESTINATION 3, THE RING TWO), Sean Patrick Thomas (THE FOUNTAIN, CRUEL INTENTIONS), Bianca Kajlich (10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU, BRING IT ON), and Brad Loree (X2, THE X-FILES). Archival footage of Donald Pleasence. Based on characters by John Carpenter and Debra Hill. Screenplay by Larry Brand (BACKFIRE, OVEREXPOSED) and Sean Hood (the new CONAN THE BARBARIAN, CUBE 2: HYPERCUBE). Directed by Rick Rosenthal (HALLOWEEN II).
Tag-line: "The night HE came back!"
Best one-liner: "Trick or treat, motherfucker!" or maybe it's the poetry of "Let the dangertainment begin.... up in this motherfucker." Or perhaps "You want some of this? Huh? You want to try and fucking kill me? Huh? You like sushi, motherfucker?!"

Oh, goodness gracious me.  Hoo boy, and the whole kit and kaboodle. Talk about Poor Man's Carpy–  HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION is a pile of hilarious post-SCREAM trash, bundled in embarrassment, smothered in cliché, and repackaged for the era of reality TV.  In comparison, this thing almost makes HALLOWEEN: H20 look like HALLOWEEN.  Hell, even the poster feels the weight of this shame and would rather fool you into thinking you're looking at Ghostface instead of the tattered legacy of Michael Myers.  

The plot involves a company called "Dangertainment" that's working on a Haddonfield reality series when Michael Myers himself crashes their party.  Subsequent attempts at SCREAM-style self-awareness are cringeworthy. The less said the better, so I'll keep it brief:  here are three things that I absolutely never could have conceived of happening in a HALLOWEEN flick:

#1.  Jamie Lee Curtis re-imagined as Sarah Connor in TERMINATOR 2.

They don't even try to disguise it– she's a stringy-haired, crazy-eyed badass mental patient who warns her captors in vain about an unstoppable killing machine (she's defeated before) who may now be on the prowl again.  Michael Myers, predictably, shows up to kill her and Laurie Strode is given a rather ignominious send-off before the movie even begins.

I realize it's a hackneyed "badass" one-liner, but why would Laurie Strode think she's going to hell?

Hey, if Hannibal Lector and Clarice Starling can smooch...

Well... she gave it her best shot.  And, dammit, if anyone deserves $3 million for an extended cameo, it's Jamie Lee Curtis!

#2.  This one is so bizarre, it defies easy description.  What we have here is Michael Myers stabbing one of his victims with a sharpened tripod, a clear homage to one of the great-grandaddies of the slasher movie, Michael Powell's PEEPING TOM.

1960's PEEPING TOM.

 

2002's HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION.

Anyway, this in and of itself wouldn't necessarily be worthy of mention,  but here it's only a crosscut backdrop to another, inexplicable scene:  that of Tyra Banks making a whipped cream latte and 

rocking out with a spazzified solo dance like in that SAVED BY THE BELL episode where Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkeley) gets addicted to caffeine pills and performs "I'm So Excited."  In short, while it sure as hell doesn't belong in a HALLOWEEN movie, it's certainly deserving of a slow clap.

#3.  In the original HALLOWEEN (which J.D. over at Radiator Heaven recently did an excellent write-up on), there's a brilliant Donald Pleasence monologue which attempts to tackle the true nature of Michael Myers in just a few brief, ominous lines:

"I met him, fifteen years ago; I was told there was nothing left; no reason, no conscience, no understanding; and even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, of good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes.  ...I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized that what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... evil."

In HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION, Busta Rhymes is tasked with transcending Donald Pleasence's assessment, and while the monologue he's been given is certainly more succinct, I think we all must admit that it doesn't exude the proper... atmosphere.

So, apparently Doctor Loomis spent eight years trying to reach Michael, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because he realized that what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... a killer shark in baggy-ass overalls.

And that's about all there is to say about that, ladies and gentlemen!

–Sean Gill

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Film Review: HALLOWEEN 666: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS (1995, Joe Chappelle)

Stars: 2 of 5.

Running Time: 88 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew:  Donald Pleasence (THE GREAT ESCAPE, PHENOMENA), Kim Darby (DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK, BETTER OFF DEAD), Paul Rudd (CLUELESS, WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER), Mitch Ryan (DARK SHADOWS, LETHAL WEAPON).  Music by Alan Howarth (ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, ARMY OF DARKNESS) and Paul Rabjohns (OPERATION CONDOR, CHILDREN OF THE CORN V) with the main theme by John Carpenter. 

Tag-line: "Terror never rests in peace!"

Best one-liner:  "Enough of this Michael Myers bullshit!"

HALLOWEEN 6 is not a good movie.  I'm sure ya don't need me to tell you that.  Its reputation lives somewhere in between "Paul Rudd's first movie" and "the worst of the HALLOWEEN series."   (Though there there is a dedicated cult of fans who insist that the rare, "Producer's Cut" of the film is far superior.)

Anyway, I saw HALLOWEEN 6 (the theatrical cut) recently for the first time and I couldn't help but feel it would make a great addition to the "Poor Man's Carpy" series.  Now, there are three points relating to Carpenter that I'd like to hit, so I'll be brief:

#1.  Donald Pleasence.

HALLOWEEN 6 was the late, great Donald Pleasence's penultimate movie, and his final HALLOWEEN appearance (the film is dedicated to his memory).  He's looking pretty grizzled and a little run-down, and he easily could have turned this into a phoned-in "paycheck" performance, but that trademark Pleasence pathos really shines through.  As a viewer, you project a little extra emotional weight onto the film, knowing that it's the final appearance of a such a beloved character and horror icon, and that effect is undeniable.  RIP, Donald.

#2.  Stomach-pounders.   Die hard fans of John Carpenter's THE FOG will remember the scene where Adrienne Barbeau's son says "Mom, can I have a stomach-pounder and a Coke?"  Now, what the hell is a stomach-pounder?  Hmm?
This has fueled much speculation amongst the most bored and obsessive of fans, with some believing it to be a reference to Pop Rocks, others believing it to mean "quarter-pounder" burger or ice cream or a type of cake, and others still speculating that it refers to "bad meatloaf."  So imagine my delight when in HALLOWEEN 6, the following line is uttered:

"This is the famous Tim Strode stomach pounder.  You down for the challenge?"

I have to assume this line is probably not ad-libbed and therefore the work of the writer, Daniel Farrands, whose contributions to NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, AMITYVILLE HORROR, and FRIDAY THE 13TH DVD bonus materials lead me to believe that he is quite the 80s horror aficionado.  Clearly, as a writer on HALLOWEEN 6, he is a Carpy enthusiast-  hence the obscure reference.

Here, in context, the stomach-pounder appears to be a Calvin & Hobbes-style "suicide drink" smoothie, a concoction of everyday grocery items that is blended into a disgusting result that the kiddies might think is "cool."  Though it doesn't definitively answer what the intended reference was in THE FOG, it's a fun easter egg for the true Carpy-freaks!


#3.  The return of HALLOWEEN III?

As the HALLOWEEN series progressed and John Carpenter officially had nothing to do with it (HALLOWEEN 4, HALLOWEEN 5), nutty attempts were made to "explain" the evil of Michael Myers– attempts that included a mysterious tattooed man in black, a druid "Cult of Thorn," unethical genetic engineering, villainous constellations, myths of Samhain, and a whole bunch of gobbledygook that belonged in a straight-to-video 90s Satan-worshipper movie.

Now, some thirteen years prior, the HALLOWEEN franchise had been nearly been derailed completely by a film I hold incredibly close to my heart:  HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH.  This film was notable for eschewing Michael Myers altogether and telling the saga of an evil cult of killer-robot-manufacturing Irish people living in a small town in California who are hell-bent (literally!) on killing the children of America by way of rigged masks that will turn them into rotting piles of snakes and spiders.  They are doing this so that people will take Halloween seriously again.

Most people hated this movie because Michael Myers wasn't in it, and apparently there wasn't enough Tom Atkins nudity.  So now, thirteen years later (spoooky!), the makers of HALLOWEEN 6 begin to jam-pack the film with just the sort of crazed, druid-infused conspiracy theory nonsense that turned fans off in the first place.  Is this an intentional homage to the greatness of HALLOWEEN III?  The series itself committing harakiri?  An attempt at a tie-in for "Cult of Thorn" merchandise at Hot Topic?  Who knows.

So yeah.  HALLOWEEN 6, ladies and gentlemen.  Now go ask your mothers if you can have a stomach-pounder and a Coke!  Stay tuned for more Poor Man's Carpy!

–Sean Gill

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I can't tell you how happy I am to live in a world where this is not an April Fool's Day Prank...PART 2!

Last year on April Fool's I examined some VHS covers that seemed almost too good to be true– heartfelt TV-movie dramas with Jamie Lee Curtis and Bette Davis, a Boglin hurling a pentagram in the direction of Fred Ward's balls, a film where Powers Boothe and Rutger Hauer battle for Kathleen Turner's love and for endangered birds, etc., etc.

So today in tribute to a bygone era, let us peruse these dusty shelves once more in search of that elusive 49¢ rental that could change your life forever... or at least give you an excuse to order up a couple of pizzas and a sixer of Schlitz.


Is Peter O'Toole supposed to be God? Is he pouring himself a drink or conducting an experiment? And what sort of furry critter has died whilst reclining upon Mariel Hemingway's head?


I like you, BLOODY NEW YEAR Ghoul. I salute your Crypt-Keeper-y sense of fun, your wobbly eyes, and your insistence on purchasing alllll the trimmings from the Party-o-rama outlet store. But above all... I salute your eyebrows.


Co-starring Lillian Gish, Candy Clark, and O.J. Simpson. No, REALLY.


How have I not heard of this? Durning... standing alone? "The story of a real American hero?" Is this a Durning auto-biopic?! Co-starring Pam Grier and Stacey Keach's brother? I don't think that I can go another minute without seeing this film. And finally- does Dom DeLuise make an appearance?


The pros:
•Bruce Glover.
•Skeletons with guns.

The cons:
•I kind of don't like how the skeleton is wearing chaps. It makes it look as if it's got shapely legs and child-bearing hips. That makes everyone uncomfortable.
•The $79.95 price tag.


"It all started out as a joke..." It all started out as a joke... IT ALL ...STARTED OUT...AS A JOKE!...


Did Oliver Reed realize that he was in a movie? Hard to say. Look at his glazed over, rum-soaked stare. Chilling. And on the other end of the spectrum, look at what care they've taken with the captive- making sure her hair has that ultra-conditioned sheen and even loosening her gag so that it doesn't interfere with her carefully positioned, backlit tresses.


Certainly in the running for having the most generic title of all time, DELTA HEAT boldly opines that "sometimes the truth can be murder." But what have we here? Anthony Edwards rocking out a peroxided coiffure and Lance Henriksen creeping up behind him, holding a gun at an unusual angle. Does Edwards know that he's there? Let's check out the IMDb synopsis: "An L.A. cop investigates the death of his partner in the swamps of Louisiana. Enlisting the help of an ex-cop who lost his hand to an alligator many years before." Yes...yes...and YES! Is that the disembodied hand that Henriksen lost, floating behind Edwards' shoulder? I need to see this as soon as possible.


Okay- how could they NOT name the movie 'DIRTY HARRIET?'


"We need a title for this flick?"
–"How about SLITHIS?"
"Surely we can come up with something better than that."
–"What, you've got something better?"
"Well not right now– come on, I'm supposed to just think of something off the top of my head? I haven't even had my coffee yet."
–"You can't come up with anything better than SLITHIS either."
"That's not true."
–"Well, okay. But until you do, let's put SLITHIS on the temp artwork."
"Fine. But only until I come up with something better."
–"Yeah, we'll see about that."


Golan and Globus present: FOUR CREEPY DUDES HIDING IN A BUSH TRYING TO SPY ON THE POOR MAN'S GOLDIE HAWN.


"JOE DON BAKER IS LOOKING FOR TROUBLE." Trouble always seems to find Joe Don Baker, from JOYSTICKS to WACKO to the infamous MITCHELL. Well, count me in, JDB. Count me in.


"Okay are you ready...let me lay somthin' on ya: DETECTIVE SCHOOL."
–"Is that all?"
"...DROP OUTS!"
–"Is that all?"
"...A Golan and Globus production."
–"Alright, I'm not gonna lie– you had me at DETECTIVE SCHOOL. But does it have that guy, the guy with the voice...the guy from the POLICE ACADEMYs...what's his name again? I can't get enough of that guy."


–"Alright, that might be a little too much Goldthwait."


It came...it saw...and it burned...a Rutger Hauer-lookalike.


The title and the font are telling me that this is a movie about an inspirational inner-city basketball coach, and yet I'm seeing an image of Peter O'Toole riding around on a tank.


So rule #1 is, predictably, that there are no rules. Fair enough. But is that a stain or the ghost of a buzz saw? And did I mention that this is Chuck Norris' son?


This might be my favorite title since THUNDERGROUND.


So is the GLOVE wanted dead, not alive? How does one kill the glove? Conversely, how does one take the glove alive? Or is the glove worn by the person who is wanted dead, not alive? Or is the glove worn by the person hunting the person who is wanted dead, not alive? Is this somehow related to ROLLERBALL?


"The race that drove Africa wild." I never expected to see Stockard Channing in hot pants bringing an entire continent to its knees. Even the monkey on her back is getting in on the ogling. Grinning David Carradine is still somehow riding the wave of DEATH RACE 2000. And Christopher Lee fits into this somehow as well?


So that wave subsided at some point- Carradine in old lady drag á la THE UNHOLY THREE? Apparently this flick has a devoted cult following and I hope one day to join its ranks.


Gotta love the Barbarian Brothers. Straddling that big truck with masculine intensity, untied shoes, and a slashed-front tee-shirt? And you know the other brother has got cut-offs on (just outside the frame). And who hasn't wanted to see Martin Mull and Richard Moll in the same flick? Plus, more Carradine! That's thinkin' big indeed!


Combine a Xander Berkeley lookalike, a feathered mane, a power drill, and a supporting role by Robert Davi, and what do you get? ...Nothin' but TRAXX!


I'll say no more beyond the fact that...this is a documentary!


I like to think of myself as a well-informed individual, particularly when Harry Dean Stanton movies are concerned. The fact that this one has slipped through the cracks of my awareness leads me to believe I should probably committ HDS seppuku. But maybe forty Hail Marys and a viewing of WISE BLOOD could atone for my sin.


I mean..what can I say? (Besides "I'd like to buy your album.")


Is this the eponymous "return" depicted here on the VHS cover art? Has the big payoff been ruined? Why even rent it now? "Oh, by the way, the finale is just Jan-Michael Vincent embracing a brown-silk-poncho-wearing Cybill Shepherd. THE END."


There have been some pretty enjoyable MAD MAX rip-offs. Everything from THE NEW BARBARIANS to STEEL DAWN to HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN. So was "OSA" really the best title they could come up with? And the best picture was this possible stock photo of desert bikers?


"STRIKE ONE - there's a killer on the loose... STRIKE TWO - you never know where he'll strike next... STRIKE THREE - too late." Look at how mortified Roy Scheider is. The poor guy is one of the finest actors of his generation, and he's starring in NIGHT GAME. My completely uninformed prediction of what the plot is: a psychopathic 'Nam vet baseball player slices n' dices sports commentators, stuffs their remains inside of baseballs and then plays with them. A player smacks a foul ball into the stands which lands on the lap of washed-up private eye Roy Scheider who discovers that...THE BASEBALL IS BLEEDING!


"An insane Hollywood makeup man kidnaps a woman, keeps her prisoner in his warehouse full of props. " Co-starring Keenan Wynn. I must say that I'm a little unnerved by how much psycho-Rooney resembles the elderly Richard Dreyfuss.


I've actually seen this movie. It has nothing to with a shirtless white man punching you in the face and everything to do with a shabby, middle-aged Leo Fong bopping dudes in the Bazzinis. I feel like your average viewer would be more inclined to see this if it were accurately advertised.


"I don't want to see that new movie, INTERFACE. It just looks like 'another fantasy game movie.'"
–"Ohhhh-ho-ho... that's where you're wrong."
"Whaddya mean?"
–"It's not just another fantasy game. These players are serious... dead serious."
"Well...."
–"Did I mention it's also got Lou Diamond Philips playing Punk #1?"
"Alright...fair enough."


"People are funny– and the 'Big Gag' proves it!" In that case, let's hope that space aliens don't get their hands on this looking for proof that human beings possess some kind of innate, uh, humanity, because I'm willing to bet that not only does the 'Big Gag' NOT prove that people are funny, but in fact proves that we are sickening degenerates, possibly beyond all help. (On the other hand, a New World Picture has never let me down yet.)


MASTER CLASS with Sho Kosugi?! But damn– He was gonna be live in person at the IVE Booth at the VSDA show!? I have no idea what that means, but I'm forced to believe that I've already missed the boat on this one.

But I don't feel too bad, because I now know that the disparate worlds of RETURN OF THE NINJA and WOLFEN once did collide...and the Word was called WOLFEN NINJA, and the Word was good.


In the name of all that is holy– John Huston plays God on judgment day, raining hellfire, brimstone, and wing-flapping slo-mo doves onto the populace, flanked by Mel Ferrer, Glenn Ford, Lance Henriksen, Shelley Winters, and Sam Peckinpah... ...WHAT?!!? "HE CAME TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM THE DEMON CHILD!"


This movie is so uninspired that it names its main character The Rider and his enemy The Omega Force. And he's not even The Rider, he's "The Rider." He's already, pre-emptively been put into scare quotes by the marketing team. That's how little respect they have for "The Rider." Oh, and you know Donald Pleasence? No? Not ringing any bells? How about Donald 'Halloween' Pleasence? Oh, you know that guy, right? What about Persis Khambatta? No? Oh, sorry, what about Persis 'Star Trek' Khambatta? Oh, you still don't know who that is? Fair enough.


I don't know where the Brothers Grimm are buried, but I can pretty much guarantee that they were spinning pretty hard in their graves until they heard that Brad Dourif was gonna be in this. It co-stars James Earl Jones and William Atherton, the full title is actually GRIM PRAIRIE TALES: HIT THE TRAIL TO TERROR, and IMDb reviewer Lee Kelly calls Dourif and Jones "a 'buddy' pairing to rival Riggs and Murtaugh. Give them their own series!" Alright, I'm sold.


Anyway, enjoy your April Fool's, everyone–may all your Brads be Dourifs, all your Lances be Henriksens, all your Ollie Reeds be drunk, all your dogs be named Hambone; and whenever there's a Cannon pointed in your direction, pray that it's operated by a couple of whacky cousins named Golan and Globus, and is easily procurable on Betamax, Laserdisc, and VHS! Amen.

–Sean Gill

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