Only now does it occur to me... MARKED FOR DEATH

Only now does it occur to me... that prior to Danny Trejo hunting Steven Seagal in MACHETE, Steven Seagal chased Danny Trejo:



 and all the way to a showdown at the Club 'Tecate!'


In a more general sense, MARKED FOR DEATH (from Dwight H. Little, the director of HALLOWEEN 4 and FREE WILLY 2) is not quite a classic in this gentle-voiced, ponytail'd lunatic's oeuvre (like OUT FOR JUSTICE), but it's pretty damned enjoyable, notably because of the terrific Keith David (THE THING, THEY LIVE) as Seagal's crazy-eyed sidekick.

Keith David:  having none of your bullshit.

The film has a strange sensibility to it that's worth mentioning, too–  despite the presence of Cannon Films-style, hastily-sketched Rastafarian voodoo-luvin', crack-dealin' villains, the action scenes play out with a peculiar, humorless detachment (I daresay realism) that is reminiscent of Michael Mann's meticulous, paramilitary setpieces (i.e., in THIEF and HEAT).

Like its star, the film takes itself a little too seriously, but MARKED FOR DEATH is well worth a view for the early 90s action fan– and for you camp-lovers, it even boasts a finale whereupon the villain is sliced, stabbed, eye-gouged, spine-shattered, flung down an elevator shaft, and then impaled upon a steel rod: Seagal is nothing if not thorough.

-Sean Gill

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Film Review: LIONHEART (1990, Sheldon Lettich)

Stars: 4.5 of 5.

Running Time: 105 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew:  Written by Jean-Claude Van Damme, S.N. Warren, and Sheldon Lettich (RAMBO III, BLOODSPORT).  Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Harrison Page (CARNOSAUR, SLEDGE HAMMER!), Deborah Rennard (DALLAS, LAND OF DOOM), Lisa Pelikan (GHOULIES, SWING SHIFT), Ashley Johnson (GROWING PAINS, THE AVENGERS), Brian Thompson ("The Night Slasher" in COBRA, MOON 44, THE X-FILES), Michel Qissi (BLOODSPORT, KICKBOXER), Billy Blanks (THE LAST BOY SCOUT, TAE-BO WORKOUT), Abdel Qissi (THE QUEST, THE ORDER), and cameo appearances by Lawrence Bender (producer of PULP FICTION, KILL BILL, and RESERVOIR DOGS) and Scott Spiegel (Sam Raimi crony, co-writer of EVIL DEAD II, and director of INTRUDER).

Tag-line:  "Too tough to die."  Though I prefer:  "When the streets are a jungle... there can only be one king."

Best one-liner:  "Sometimes life is... is... ugly... and stupid... and mean."   [said expressively by the Muscles from Brussels himself]

The weather's getting nice, and summer's on the way.  Ladies and germs, it's time for some Van Damme!

Some films are more important than mere "films."  ROSETTA gave the minimum wage to children in Belgium.  THE THIN BLUE LINE helped free a man from prison.  HARLAN COUNTY, USA led to better conditions in Kentucky coal mines.  LIONHEART, too, is more than just a movie.  It boldly dared to expose the dangerous, yuppie-kumite full-contact street-fighting circuit that plagued America's upscale parking garages, health clubs, and private pools until 1990:

 
Let the networking begin– I hope you brought enough Chardonnay for everybody!



I can't tell if that's a squash court or a racquetball court.  Or are they the same thing?


Hurry it up, already– I need to be home in time for THIRTYSOMETHING!


They even used yuppie one-liners right before performing their finishing moves–  "Let's do lunch sometime," indeed!

And is that girl who's licking proletarian-kumite-blood off of her chest, there... on a date with Patrick Bateman?  And are they headed to Dorsia afterward? (Actually it's a cameo by PULP FICTION producer Lawrence Bender.)

Anywho, this upstart young Belgian muckraker named Jean-Claude Van Damme decided to write and star in a movie unmasking the cold harsh truths of this savage fighting circuit

 JCVD HAS GOT HIS EYE ON YOU

and while it did succeed in shutting down this black market brawling for all time, in 2013 we can still take a step back and enjoy it as one hell of an action movie.  So kick back, grab some junk food, put on your THEY LIVE sunglasses, and prepare to appreciate sixteen reasons why LIONHEART is still relevant in a post-yuppie world:

#16.  Van Damme body part introduced before the rest of Van Damme.
 
Just as in CYBORG (which revealed Van Damme's leg before Van Damme), LIONHEART takes its time revealing JCVD's veiny French Foreign Legion bicep before we actually learn that it's attached to Van Damme.
I've theorized that this is because Van Damme's limber limbs are considered to be more iconic than his face, but that discounts the beauty of Van Damme's magnificent, endlessly sincere smile, pictured below:

Also the sheer brilliance of Van Damme's magnificent, endlessly sincere crazy face, pictured below in all of its eye-bulging, blood-streaked glory:

But I don't want to get ahead of myself.  How 'bout something simple, like–

#15.  Roller skates!

This may not be a Cannon Film, but the sudden, unexpected, and wholly unnecessary inclusion of a man on roller skates reveals the film's true inspiration.

#14.  Full-contact Pool Party!


Uh, wait– what are we watching again?

 #13.  Face grabs!

 Ah, truly the face grab cometh just before the fall.  Nobody grabs JCVD's face and gets away with it.  And note workout master Billy Blanks in the background– his smug expression indicates that he will shortly be blasted in the mouth with Jean-Claude's toes.

 #12. Fashionable gangs!

Another trick JCVD learned from the Cannon Film playbook.  That guy on the far right has got kind of a SCORPIO RISING pattern going on across the back of his jacket, and I feel like there's some CYBORG and COBRA references going on around here, too, somehow.  Speaking of COBRA...

#11.  Brian Thompson.

I've referred to him as the "Klaus Kinski of Cannon Films," though I think "poor man's Dolph Lundgren" or "direct-to-video Rondo Hatton" might work okay, too.

 

He's not given quite as much to do here as he should.  He's relegated mostly to "corporate bad guy sidekick/semi-bodyguard" type stuff.  My point is that he doesn't get to take on Van Damme in a show-stopping cage match meat-hook battle or anything, so that's a little disappointing.  Still, good to see him.

#10.  Harrison Page as "Joshua Eldridge."

Every Van Damme movie needs a crass, distinctly American, occasionally zany sidekick to stand by him through thick n' thin.  This noble tradition includes heavyweights like Donald Gibb in BLOODSPORT, James Remar in THE QUEST, Haskell V. Anderson III in KICKBOXER, Wilford Brimley in HARD TARGET, and Jean-Claude Van Damme himself in DOUBLE IMPACT.  In the above photographs, Harrison Page is pictured gallantly renaming "Lyon" as "Lion," because seriously, what the fuck is a "Lyon?"  

Anyway, Harrison Page fits pretty well in the pantheon of JCVD sidekickery.  (Though that's not literal sidekickery– if the sidekicks actually kicked, that would pull focus from JCVD's patented displays of kicking prowess, except in DOUBLE IMPACT, when the sidekick is JCVD himself.  Whew.  Maybe we should call them "sidepunches?")

#9. The social conscience of Jean-Claude Van Damme.

 

He gives himself this nice moment where he walks past some homeless people and gets to look sad.  (It also foreshadows how he'll– in a clown outfit– help a bunch of impoverished French orphans in 1996's THE QUEST!)  LIONHEART is a movie whose heart and flying roundhouse kicks will always land in the right place.

#8.  The battle for the social conscience of Jean-Claude Van Damme.

 

A couple of silk sheets later and the soul of Van Damme hangs in the balance.  Will he fall prey to a PRETTY WOMAN-ish yuppie makeover or will he maintain his street smarts and split-kick integrity?  This leads us to a...

#7.  Shopping montage!

Jean-Claude Vogue Damme goes on a whirlwind, frantically edited shopping montage with his new yuppie handlers.  If LIONHEART was a rock n' roll film, this would be the part of the movie where the band temporarily breaks up, and the lead singer starts a solo career with a really sleazy, soulless manager with slicked-back hair.  Gotta get the band back together, man!

#6.  Jean-Drunk Van Damme.

You have to love Jean-Drunk Van Damme.  I last glimpsed him in KICKBOXER.  It's sort of like a kid who's O.D.'d on a sugar high, and it's sort of like something out of a Looney Tunes cartoon.  Whatever it is, keep up the good work!

#5. Abdel Qissi.

Part Andre the Giant, part Ernst Stavro Blofeld, cat-stroking Van Damme crony Abdel Qissi plays the tournament "baddie," as he later would in Van Damme's directorial debut, THE QUEST.  Here, he's "Attila."  In THE QUEST, he's "Khan."  You have to love the lack of creativity/Capcom-style logic at play there.  It's really quite endearing.

#4.  Michel Qissi.

Whoa-ho-ho-NO!  You thought there was only gonna be one Qissi in this flick?  Think again.   This is Michel, probably best known as the evil "Tong Po" in KICKBOXER.  Between 'em, the Qissi brothers have appeared in five JCVD films.  Above, he's seen partaking in an inspirational slow clap.

#3.  A Scottish fighter in a kilt!

 
In a nod to BLOODSPORT's international kumite of amusing cultural stereotypes, we get this Scottish fighter who wears a kilt.  (When he needed to depict a Scottish fighter again in THE QUEST, he kept the kilt, but upped the stakes with full Tam o' Shanter action!)

YAHHH


#2.  This line of dialogue, which requires no further explanation:

#1. And finally, this exchange, which is basically the entirety of LIONHEART– nay, the entirety of JCVD's career– distilled into four glorious screen grabs:
 

You got a big heart, LIONHEART.  Nearly five stars.

–Sean Gill

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Film Review: THE QUEST (1996, Jean-Claude Van Damme)

Stars: 4 of 5.

Running Time: 95 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew:  Jean-Claude Van Damme, Roger Moore (LIVE AND LET DIE, MOONRAKER), James Remar (THE WARRIORS, DEXTER, RENT-A-COP, 48 HRS.), Janet Gunn (SILK STALKINGS, CARNOSAUR 3), Jack McGee (BASIC INSTINCT, COOL AS ICE, THE FIGHTER), Aki Aleong (V: THE SERIES, FAREWELL TO THE KING), Ong Soo Han (KICKBOXER, BLOODSPORT 2), Abdel Qissi (LIONHEART, THE ORDER).  Story co-written by Frank Dux (supposedly BLOODSPORT is based on his life story).  Music by Randy Edelman (TWINS, KINDERGARTEN COP, V.I. WARSHAWSKI).  Cinematography by David Gribble (NOWHERE TO RUN, RUNNING ON EMPTY).

Tag-line: "Go the distance!"
Best one-liner:  "Hey clown boy! Get off my street!"

I guess this ended up being the "Summer of Van Damme" here at Junta Juleil.  I certainly never planned it that way, but I suppose some of the finest journeys, the finest quests in life are utterly spontaneous... and punctuated by prayers to Buddha and JCVD 'sad-eye.'

Where to begin with THE QUEST?  Van Damme stars, co-wrote, and– take a deep breath– directs. The result is basically BLOODSPORT meets WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY meets OLIVER TWIST meets INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.  It is the tale of Christopher Dubois, who dreams of going to the Lost City and competing in the international fighting tournament called the Kumite 'Ghang-gheng' in order to win the fabled Golden Dragon and save an army of street urchins.  As he fights for his golden-ticket invitation, he befriends an array of assorted buddies, including con artist and pirate-man Roger Moore, washed-up heavyweight James Remar, moxie-filled reporter Janet Gunn, and sad-sack comic relief henchman Jack McGee.  In addition to being one of the finest films 1996 had to offer, it enchanted near-empty theaters, provided us with a poster whereupon JCVD can gaze across an endless expanse and into our very soul, and drove a rift between Jean-Claude and his friend Frank Dux (the supposed real-life inspiration for BLOODSPORT who claimed that it plagiarized his script THE KUMITE).  But that's not all: I'm about to crack open this dusty, leather-bound volume and shed some light on about fifteen reasons why THE QUEST is still a journey worth taking.



#15.  Jean-Claude Old Manne.

Yup, the hurried frame story briefly entreats us to an elderly Jean-Claude who beats up on a gang of multi-racial thugs (even employing some old man cane action) before we journey off on our titular...  QUEST.

#14.  There are no (true) splits, but that's okay.

There's a lot going on in this film.  True splits may have distracted viewers from the multi-layered plotting, or even worse, been buried amid zeppelin theft and kilted low-blows.  And besides, we get some pretty good extension during this particular mid-air kick.  

#13.  Jesus-Claude Van Bondage.



 "I'm sure the sharks will enjoy... you."  -Actual line of dialogue

It's not as overt as in CYBORG, but I don't see how it could be:

Amid the splits, the accent, the moxie-filled reporter girlfriends, the flexed right-side biceps, and the ass-cheek nudity, this Van Damme trope is often forgotten.  I shall not let you forget it.  Only Mel Gibson is tied up and tortured (á la the New Testament) more frequently.

#12.  He was trying for Oscar gold.

At a certain point, when we veer–ever so briefly– into Merchant-Ivory territory, I realized that Van Damme believed THE QUEST had a shot at the Academy Awards.  What is pictured above is Edwardian-era kiddie-orphan JCVD as a woman in black balls up (in slowed-frame rate bad slomo) an important letter in a plot detail that is never really returned to.  I love it.  Also, I must admit in all seriousness, that this is more deserving than the typical Oscar bait.  I mean, if THE ENGLISH PATIENT hadn't co-starred Willem Dafoe, this might have had a shot.  I mean, movies like INDEPENDENCE DAY and THE FIRST WIVES CLUB and DAYLIGHT and EVITA and ERASER were getting nominated that year.

#11.  Van Damme is trained on "Muay Thai Island."  Aficionados of martial arts and/or KICKBOXER will recognize the ridiculousness inherent in that statement.  It'd be like training on Kumite Boulevard or Kung Fu Alley or Karate Mountain.  Though I have to admit that those would likely be tremendous resume-builders. 
Supposedly there may or may not be a real Muay Thai island, but being too lazy to do any serious research, my gut tells me that it is a group of deluded people forever chasin' the tiger that is THE QUEST.

#10.  Abdel Qissi.


Every fighting tournament movie needs a baddie.  Here's it's the "Mongolian" fighter, played by Moroccan badass Abdel Qissi.  Here, he kinda looks like a croozin' Mongolian leather daddy.  Quick– name a famous Mongolian!  I'll give ya a second.

...

Alright, so my apologies if you picked Sukhbaatar or Subedei, but you probably said either Kublai or Genghis Khan.  Now, what do you suppose "The Mongolian" is called here?  It's "Khan," because anything else would simply have defeated that STREET FIGHTER 2 logic that we all know and love, and we couldn't have that.  Anyway, you may recognize him as the brother of Michel Qissi, who played "Tong Po," the primary villain of KICKBOXER.  Combined, the Qissi brothers have appeared in five Van Damme movies, which is a fun fact you can share with your friends next time you're watching LIONHEART.

Also, he gets a wonderful moment where he wipes (in slow motion) a cascading waterfall of sweat from a single eyebrow.

It's visual poetry worthy of Terrence Malick, who incidentally is a big fan of the Kumite (see #3).

#9.  Ong Soo Han!

Yes, the primary antagonist and shit-eating-grin master of 1996's BLOODSPORT 2 is competing in the Ghang-gheng.  He loses rather quickly and ignominiously, and you hardly even realize he's there, but, hell,  he still got to have a banner year in '96, and nobody can take BLOODSPORT 2 away from him.  I hold you in my heart, Ong Soo Han.

#8.  Stereotypes, stereotypes, stereotypes!
 
From ENTER THE DRAGON to BLOODSPORT to STREET FIGHTER to SATURDAY NIGHT SLAM MASTERS, fictionalized international fighting tournaments have relied heavily on ethnic and national stereotypes to fuel their particular fires.  Pictured above is the Spanish contender, who naturally fights in a "Flamenco" style and a ruffled shirt.  Now, what do you suppose the odds are that the Japanese contender is a Sumo wrestler?  Or that the German contender arrives in a zeppelin?  Or that the Scottish contender wears a kilt?  That Brazil's entrant is a capoeira master who looks like he crawled out of the rainforest ten minutes ago?  Well, the odds are damned high because all of that stuff happens.  Also, despite every country getting their own fighter, all of Africa gets only one man to represent them.  And his costume is nearly as tasteful as you'd imagine.  Either Sarah Palin is coordinating the Ghang-gheng's geography committee, or the wondrous shadow of Golan-Globus is simply inescapable.  On a similar note:

#7.  The Scotsman felled by a low-blow.  This is just one of a thousand of those rapid-fire absurdities that season your usual JCVD flick.  I only mention this one in particular so that I can continue to be the web's leading authority on brutal ball-squeezing.
  


And you gotta love the super-enthusiastic Scotch fan in a goddamned Tam o' Shanter who emits a horrified "Ooooooh!" when it happens.

#6.  Roger Moore is ridiculous.

I guess I haven't seen him in anything since I was a kid, and I always thought he was a kind of a bland James Bond in comparison to Sean Connery.  Obviously, I have some revisiting to do.

He's smarmy, he's sleazy, he's out of control.  At one point he sells Jean-Claude Van Damme into slavery.  Just think about that for a minute.  He's probably delivering the most self-aware performance in this film, but his British snottery reaches such stupendous levels that it his self-awareness actually amplifies the quality of his performance.  I'm also having a hard time imagining JCVD taking him aside and critiquing the nuances of his work.  Also, on a continued Roger Moore note:

#5.  Roger Moore Zeppelin/Lost City/Golden Dragon/Rube Goldberg theft.

As Junta Juleil regular Mike B. wrote previously,  THE QUEST is "a Van Damme film where Roger Moore steals treasure with a blimp, and yet that's only like the 5th most bizarre thing that happens."


I don't really have too much to add to that, other than that I really appreciate the Snidely Whiplash heights of glee that he achieves while doing it.

#4.  Jean-Clown Van Damme.

 "Hey, clown boy!  Get off my street!" says the evil gangster who just doesn't understand.  If he only knew how many mouths to feed Jean-Clown Van Damme had.  You see, he made a promise to an army of street urchins.  He's like Fagin, but with the personality of Mother Teresa.  And the leg extension of Jean-Claude Van Damme.



So the whole point of the movie is ostensibly that he fights in the Ghang-gheng to earn money to save the army of street urchins, but their fate is totally glossed over at the end.  After the tournament we quickly cut back to Jean-Claude Old Manne, who mumbles something about saving the kids before we cut to the credits.  How exactly did you save them?  Are you supposed to be an unreliable narrator?  Maybe that's the genius of THE QUEST– all these unanswered questions.  It really gets 'ya thinking.   

 Also, did I mention that he gets to kick some ass... IN STILTS?!

 THWACK



#3.  James Remar, Cheer Leader.

James Remar's Maxie Devine is initially a mild antagonist

 who becomes a Ghang-gheng buddy on par with Jackson in BLOODSPORT.

On the SAT analogy section it would go something like this: 

KUMITE : GHANG-GHENG :: JACKSON : MAXIE DEVINE

So keep your eyes peeled for that question, kiddies.

Anyway, he realizes that Van Damme represents the new generation, and that he should step aside so he can have his shot


 
 and so spends the majority of the movie on the sidelines.  But does he waste his time there?  Hell, no!  He's James goddamned Remar! 
  

He gets a lot of great, subtle lines like "NEW YORK CITY!!!,"  "GET UP....GETTTT UPPPP!!!," and "YEAH!  YEAHHHHHHH!!!"  Did I mention that this movie is wonderful?

#2.  The return of 'earnest Van Damme grin!'

Last glimpsed in UNIVERSAL SOLDIER:

It's good to have 'ya back, 'earnest Van Damme grin.'  You possess such a childish sincerity that it almost makes me forget that James Remar is livin' large off to the left and Roger Moore is feigning happiness in return for a paycheck.

I don't think any of the 80s and 90s action greats are quite so sincere as Van Damme.  Bronson certainly is, but it's impossible to pigeonhole him to those decades.  Schwarzenegger occasionally is, but that doesn't quite count.  Look at that smile.  If the hopes and dreams of every human being rested on the sincerity of that smile, we'd all be livin' on Sugar Candy Mountain (or at least Kumite Boulevard) without a care in the world.  Alas.


#1.  Baffling Nipple Adjustment.  AKA, Senseless Nipple Tweaking.

After one of Van Damme's Muay Thai buddies is killed in the ring (yes, at least one person has to be killed in the ring in every fighting tournament movie), Van Damme storms the stage.  He whips Khan around, smacks him in the jiggling man-teat, and stares deeply into his eyes. 


 

Even better than the fact that this bizarro thing actually happened is the idea that JCVD was not only doing it, but then taking a step back, grabbing his megaphone, and directing the damn thing.  Was he adjusting the levels of sweat seepage and eye-lock intensity?  Was he demanding more takes than Stanley Kubrick?  Was he rehearsing and improvising as much as Mike Leigh?  Was he demanding attention to detail worthy of Erich von Stroheim?  Ah, to be a fly on the wall.

Four stars. 

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