Only now does it occur to me... DEMOLITION MAN

Continuing with the theme of Sandra Bullock-themed sci-fi–

I have weighed in on the glory that is DEMOLITION MAN before, but I must add this:

Only now does it occur to me... that this particular title card

so beautifully brought together the arthouse, the grindhouse, and the statehouse– and between Stallone's glistening pecs!  It's like when you have two separate circles of friends and suddenly, you see them...  hanging out without you.  It reminds me of this fantastic title card, which fused George A. Romero and Menahem Golan together forever– at least in celluloid form.  Anyway, carry on.

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Only now does it occur to me... BULLET TO THE HEAD

Only now does it occur to me...  that I would ever witness the following tableau:  A drugged-out, minor henchman played by Christian Slater (in a fox mask), partying at a low-rent version of EYES WIDE SHUT's creepy ball 

is stalked into the bathroom by a sheet-music-mask-wearing, revenge-seeking Stallone

and abducted at knifepoint whilst mid-whiz

as Stallone uses the one-liner:  "Grip it and zip it, party boy!"

As to the film: though it's a mean, semi-lean action picture by the legendary Walter Hill, it's not quite as good as I wanted it to be, despite the meaty acting stylings of Mr. Stallone and the extended-cameo-appearance by The Slater Factor.  Carry on.

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Film Review: DISORDERLIES (1987, Michael Schultz)

Stars: 4 of 5.

Running Time: 86 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew:  Starring The Fat Boys (Mark Morales, Darren Robinson, & Damon Wimbley), Anthony Geary (FISH TANK, BLOOD SABBATH), Tony Plana (VALLEY GIRL, JFK, UGLY BETTY), Marco Rodriguez (COBRA, THE CROW), and Ralph Bellamy (HIS GIRL FRIDAY, ROSEMARY'S BABY, THE WOLF MAN).  Written by Mitchell Klebanoff and Mark Feldberg (BEVERLY HILLS NINJA).  Directed by Michael Schultz (THE LAST DRAGON, CAR WASH).  Featuring music by Bon Jovi, Bananarama, The Fat Boys, Ca$hflow, and The Art of Noise.

Tag-line: "Lapping up luxury and rapping up a storm!"

Best one-liner:  Every... single... line.

[TO PROPERLY READ THIS REVIEW, BEGIN BEAT-BOXING NOW]

The Fat Boys are back

And you know they can never be whack

The Fat Boys are back

As thespians they've a natural knack

To film goers they had nothin' to prove

Cause they stole our hearts already with the masterpiece KRUSH GROOVE

Disorderly orderlies with skills you can't dismiss

They say "Let's do this like Brutus... or maybe (Jerry) Lewis"

A gold-diggin' son sprouts an scheme quite cockamamie

Holy shit,  his dad is played by Ralph Bell-amy!?

Anyway the son, he wants his wealthy dad dead

So he hires on the Fat Boys to nurse him in his bed


Son leaves 'em alone because he's content
That sooner or later dad'll meet with an acc-i-dent

With Hawaiian shirts and Davy Crockett hats
The Boys aren't quite ready for tuxedos and spats

First they play poker, ante-in' up with his pills

Then they get the idea for some Bellamy cheap-thrills!

You think he's gonna hate it at the roller discoteque

But he ends up fittin' perfect, like a cassette fits a deck!

The Fat Boys are back

And you know they can never be whack

The Fat Boys are back

As thespians they've a natural knack

There's a Fuller-style WHITE DOG who needs to be fought

Whoa!  Social commentary!  Who woulda thought?

Hey– Remember when COBRA was drinkin' the beer

and told this guy "Go ahead, I don't shop here"

Well that Cannon Film baddie of Golan n' Globus

Shows up here with his same old sour puss

He could maybe even pass for– well he could almos' 

STAND AND DELIVER like a poor man's Ol-mos

The Fat Boys are back

And you know they can never be whack

The Fat Boys are back

As thespians they've a natural knack

Dressed to the nine

Scottish pine

Fine red wine...

CON-GA LINE!

They're livin' the high life cause they're such good guys

Hell, I think the Fat Boys rate a Nobel Prize

Well to the evil son that don't mean a thing

Who I forgot to mention looks a lot like Sting

He assaults dad's mansion 'stead of eatin' some crow

And the denouement seems culled from a RAMBO

The baddies get Krushed by the weight o' the boys

Even in combat they've got a natural poise

It gets real zany n' there's a fire jet of flame

but dontcha worry kiddies cause we end on a freeze-frame!

The Fat Boys are back

And you know they can never be whack

The Fat Boys are back

As thespians they've a natural knack

[END BEAT-BOXING NOW]

-Sean Gill

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Only now does it occur to me... LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD

Only now does it occur to me...  that the Willis vs. Schwarzenegger "rivalry" runs deeper than the EXPENDABLES.

I've followed the semi-fictitious "rivalries" between action stars on this site such as "Bronson vs. Eastwood" and "Schwarzenegger vs. Stallone," rivalries that pop up probably due to the actors being up for the same roles and generally expressing themselves in onscreen, good-natured ribbing and obscure references for the benefit of the diehards (no pun intended).  Being as they'd never really taken the spotlight together, I assumed that the Schwarzenegger vs. Willis jocularity in EXPENDABLES 1 & 2 was manufactured for the series, and befit their "major star in bit part" pairing.   Now, that I stand back and look at it from afar, it seems this "feud" has been brewing for years.

I got to thinking, and began to wonder– John McTiernan made DIE HARD and THE LAST ACTION HERO.  Willis had even worked with Shane Black's writing before on THE LAST BOY SCOUT.  Was Willis jealous that he wasn't 'the Last Action Hero?'  And afterward, when its financial losses became apparent, was Schwarzenegger peeved that it hadn't been Willis in the role?  Did Willis gloat?  That seems like something he would do.  Did Schwarzenegger mock him for his "Bruno" musical career and those Seagram's Golden Wine Coolers ads?  The possibilities are endless.  Of course, that's just speculation.  But look at this:

Willis, Schwarzenegger, and Stallone appearing together on British television in 1993.  Notable for  their spectacular 1993 fashions (for instance, Stallone's Planet Hollywood baggy stonewashed jean vest and Schwarzenegger's Hawaiian shirt that proves that he's actually playing 'himself' in TWINS),

Willis' clear but thinly veiled distaste for the host (Terry Wogan),

Stallone's insistence that he does not deliver one-liners well (ask COBRA about that!), the special presumably drunken appearance by Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith,

 Wogan's creepy request that Willis show off his left breast

as well as Wogan forcing him to awkwardly talk about INDECENT PROPOSAL in terms of Demi Moore and his personal life, and finally the simultaneously childlike and depraved way Arnold's eyes light up when INDECENT PROPOSAL is discussed, as if the idea of asking a woman to sleep with him for a million dollars is just then hatching in his mind.

In short, this is magnificent.

Anyway, now knowing that their friendship and rivalry has existed for many years, that brings me to the actual point of this entry.  Which is that in LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD, Bruce Willis (while protecting Justin Long from the bad guys)




takes out a TERMINATOR (figurine) as collateral damage and smirks about it!  If that ain't a shot across the bow, I don't know what is!


As a side note, I only rewatched LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD (4) in order to pump myself up for seeing A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD (5) in theaters.  Though not horrible, seeing DIE HARD 4 again sufficiently disheartened me to the extent that I think I'm gonna wait on 5 for DVD.  Ah, well.

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Only now does it occur to me... BANANAS

Only now does it occur to me... that Sylvester Stallone could have easily been a DEATH WISH punk!


Near the beginning of BANANAS, Woody Allen's Latin America-regime change-screwball-comedy, our nebbish hero is accosted by two Italian American thugs, one of whom is an extremely young Sylvester Stallone.  (It begins exactly as a scene from DEATH WISH, though that film wouldn't come out for three years.)  He steals a woman's hat and begins molesting an old lady with crutches


when Paul-Kersey-in-training Woody Allen takes the initiative

and tosses their asses off the train.  Of course, as in real life, the subway doors reopen when least expected and/or appreciated

and the Italian Stallion takes his revenge, chasing Allen down the train car to an uncertain fate.  Alas, there is no Bronson.

 

I'm not gonna lie to you– it's the highlight of the film.  Woody Allen's films are often pretty hit or miss for me, and this one hasn't aged too gracefully.  It's Zany with a capital 'Z,' and occasionally is Konsciously Kooky enough make a Benny Hill sketch seem understated.  Still, I say Stallone counts for plenty!

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Only now does it occur to me... NEW JACK CITY

Only now does it occur to me...  that Golan or Globus must have given Mario van Peebles a good luck charm for his directorial debut!  

Allow me to explain.  Mario van Peebles was a Cannon Films star in the 80s: see RAPPIN' and EXTERMINATOR 2 if you don't believe me.  His hilarious but earnest endeavors in acting (in all of their Jheri curled glory) helped shape the way that I perceive the 80s, and Cannon films as a whole.  He is a giant.  

Well, following in his father's auteur footsteps, he decided to make a film.  And what a film it was.  Sure, he'd directed some episodes of 21 JUMP STREET and CBS SCHOOLBREAK SPECIAL, but a feature film is a large undertaking for a first timer.  You need talent, faith, and a lot of luck.  More on that in a minute. 

NEW JACK CITY is a spectacular film:  it combines the sleazy ludicrosity of a De Palma actioner (SCARFACE, CARLITO'S WAY, SNAKE EYES) with the blood-spattered NYC grit of Abel Ferrara (KING OF NEW YORK, FEAR CITY) and the dopey do-goodin' panache of a D.A.R.E. public service announcement.  Mario even inserts himself in a supporting role as a Captain America-White Knight cop in a move that smacks of lovable narcissism, like Stallone in anything or Tommy Wiseau in THE ROOM.

Furthermore, the lead is played by Ice-T, himself a Cannon Films veteran (BREAKIN', BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO, the soundtrack to MISSING IN ACTION and RAPPIN').

Anyway, to my point:  midway through the film, all the cops are hanging out at stakeout central, and as Mario strides in, Ice-T is revealed to be playing around with a very distinctive, insane, knife-spiked brass knuckles combo– which I immediately recognized from... COBRA.

I remembered hearing that it was custom-designed for the makers of COBRA (Stallone, Stallone, Stallone, and Golan & Globus) by famed knife maker Herman Schneider, and you can see it's clearly the same knife, as wielded in the photo below by Brian Thompson.

So what's the story?  In a move of good faith, did Golan and/or Globus loan it to van Peebles as a good luck charm?  Or is the story more sordid?  Did Mario and/or Ice-T steal it from the Cannon backlot?  Or is it merely a replica, inserted to pay homage to the glory of Cannon Films?  Perhaps we'll never know for sure.  

Also, while researching this, I discovered that you buy replicas of this Cobra knife wherever fine knife replicas are sold, such as this frightening website called "Knife Depot" who calls it "one of the most unique and dramatic knife designs ever created."  I also learned that there are such things as "renowned knife authors" and plenty of fetishistic descriptions of "point pressure" and "knife heft."  I feel as if I could easily do some frightening and intense dramatic readings of simple product descriptions from any number of these websites.  Whew!

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ROCKY IV mentioned at the DNC

Regardless of your politics, I think you should be pleased that CHEERS alumni John Kerry gave ROCKY IV a mention at the Democratic National Convention last night, and I quote:

"Sarah Palin said she could see Russia from Alaska.  Mitt Romney talks like he's only seen Russia by watching ROCKY IV."

Perhaps left on the speechwriting floor was a more obscure bon mot referencing Romney's likeness to the lurching, cake-delivering robot, SICO?



But what next?  Will the Republicans hit back with an OVER THE TOP reference?  Will Mitt Romney buy the vanity plate AWESOM50 in the hopes of winning over deficit hawks, COBRA enthusiasts, and axe-murdering cultists?

It doesn't matter, though– ROCKY IV has now gained a new sort of legitimacy.  It's still fresh!

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Film Review: ROCKY V (1990, John G. Alvidsen)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 104 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Sylvester Stallone (who also wrote it), Talia Shire (THE GODFATHER, OLD BOYFRIENDS), Burt Young (CHINATOWN, CONVOY), Sage Stallone (DAYLIGHT, director of VIC with Clu Gulager), Burgess Meredith (THE MANITOU, THE TWILIGHT ZONE), Kevin Connolly (ENTOURAGE, THE NOTEBOOK), Richard Gant (THE BIG LEBOWSKI, Hostetler on DEADWOOD), Tommy Morrison (real life boxer and great nephew of John Wayne), and Tony Burton (THE SHINING, ROCKY).
Tag-line: "GO FOR IT"
Best one-liner:  "Get up, you son of a bitch!  'Cause Mickey loves you!"


How ya like your ROCKY movies?  Ya like 'em slowly-paced and watered down?  Peppered with robot references and sequences of laughable Lynchian terror?  Sprinkled with occasional amateur chalk artwork?

Portrait of Rocky Balboa Fishing.  1990.  Crayon and colored chalk on construction paper.  20 X 12 inches.  Artist, Rocky Balboa, Jr.

Well, then ROCKY V is just what the doctor ordered for this most patriotic of days. 

ROCKY V is commonly derided by the masses; those time-tested sheep, those locusts who rarely can recognize a fine film, even when its paraded beneath their noses, nude, in an extended and wholly unnecessary shower sequence.

Oh!  Like this one, for instance.  Thanks, ROCKY V!

There's a lot going on here, though: we got sweaters worthy of early-90s Sam Malone,

a return to the Philly's most scenic and sleazy streets, for the first time since ROCKY I,

a return to 70s fashion for the first time since ROCKY I (which really is a welcome addition, because Stallone's platform boots and Talia Shire in those ridiculous, pet-store employee spectacles were two of my favorite elements from the first film),

newly shot footage, via flashback, of Burgess Meredith in all of his irascible glory,

and a new boxer– Rocky's new protégé, Tommy Gunn– wearing Apollo Creed's shorts and clasping Stallone within the grasp of his sweaty arms.


Tommy Gunn and Rocky make a great team.  Until the media begins using backhanded compliments like:  "Rocky's Robot."

Rocky's Robot.  I wonder.  I wonder...  As I wrote in my ROCKY IV review just a few days ago, Stallone seems to have an obsession with robots, an obsession which can even be seen in COBRA, as Stallone has his then-wife, Brigitte Nielsen, pose and cavort amongst an army of robots.
Now, what could have caused such a fascination?  Reflecting upon the issue with a friend of mine, he suggested that it was rooted entirely in TERMINATOR-envy.  Think about it.  The man even created his own "nude man awakening in a time that is not his own" film with DEMOLITION MAN.  If we're to give any stock to the Schwarzenegger vs. Stallone "rivalry," evidence of which can be found in TWINS, DEMOLITION MAN, THE LAST ACTION HERO, and most recently, facetiously, in THE EXPENDABLES and THE EXPENDABLES II, Stallone must have seen THE TERMINATOR as the impetus behind Schwarzenegger's meteoric rise, a franchise which in 1990 was soon expecting its high-octane, much-anticipated second installment (with Schwarzenegger set to receive the highest acting salary in history up to that point), even as the ROCKY and RAMBO series were fizzling out.  Even THE LAST ACTION HERO imagines an alternate universe where Stallone was THE TERMINATOR instead of Schwarzenegger.  Is it any wonder the man had robots on the mind?

Anyway, back to ROCKY V:  all is well and good until Tommy Gunn stabs Rocky in the back by joining up with Don King-stand-in "George Washington Duke" (played by DEADWOOD's "Hostetler," Richard Gant), a man who frequently utters such profundities as:

"GOD DAMN!"

This all leads up to a final back alley fight (notably not in a boxing ring) which includes the following, freaky sequence which I'm about to describe.

Rocky is being beaten into a pulp when he receives a dream-vision which affords him the fortitude to "Go for it" as alluded to in the film's tag-line.  Punctuated by grainy, high-contrast black and white film, it includes:

Burgess Meredith screaming to the camera that "Mickey loves you,"

complete with brilliant, terrifying, eye-popping closeups worthy of Sergio Leone,

horror-movie style flashes back to the fight with Dolph Lundgren in part IV,

Rocky imagining himself with blood pouring over his eyes,

and a casket (Rocky's? Apollo's?) being shoved into a vault for all time.

The sequence is bizarre, vaguely out-of-place, and quite possibly the highlight of the film.  Until I receive definitive evidence to the contrary, I'm going to pretend that it was guest-directed by either Roman Polanski or David Lynch.

In honor of America, "going for it," Burgess Meredith, and the robot references, I'm going to give you three stars, ROCKY V.   Enjoy 'em!


-Sean Gill

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