Film Review: TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: BORDELLO OF BLOOD (1996, Gilbert Adler)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.
Running Time: 87 minutes.
Tag-line: I couldn't find one, but I believe the poster image of a martini-quaffing Cryptkeeper staring at a pair of partially-clad female legs is probably tag-line enough.
Notable Cast or Crew:  Starring John Kassir (The Cryptkeeper), William Sadler (DIE HARD 2, MACHETE KILLS), Dennis Miller (comedian, THE NET, DISCLOSURE), Erika Eleniak (E.T., UNDER SIEGE, BAYWATCH), Angie Everhart (model, ex-wife of Joe Pesci, LAST ACTION HERO), Chris Sarandon (FRIGHT NIGHT, THE PRINCESS BRIDE), Corey Feldman (STAND BY ME, THE LOST BOYS), Aubrey Morris (LIFEFORCE, "Deltoid" in A CLOCKWORK ORANGE), Phil Fondacaro (TROLL, WILLOW, GHOULIES II, "Greaser Greg" in THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS THE MOVIE).  Story by Bob Gale and Robert Zemeckis (BACK TO THE FUTURE Trilogy, USED CARS), and a special appearance by Whoopi Goldberg.  Screenplay by AL Katz (FREDDY'S NIGHTMARES, TALES FROM THE CRYPT) and Gilbert Adler (producer on TALES FROM THE CRYPT and SUPERMAN RETURNS) and directed by Adler.  Produced by Adler, Katz, Zemeckis, Richard Donner, Joel Silver, Walter Hill, and the rest of the TV Crypt gang.
Best One-liner:  "Trust me, quit while you're a 'head.'"  –The Cryptkeeper

The second film of its kind, TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: BORDELLO OF BLOOD mostly serves as a feature-length reminder why TALES FROM THE CRYPT episodes should not be feature length– but along the way there is ample guilty pleasure to be enjoyed.  In fact, I think I can identify at least seven things in BORDELLO OF BLOOD that, while perhaps not approaching the mantle of "greatness," approach some effortless mantle of "sublime stupidity."  Oh yeah.  BORDELLO OF BLOOD ain't afraid to get stupid.  Real stupid.


Welcome to Angie Everhart's acting school.  I hope you're taking notes!

Produced, written, and directed by a lot of the usual suspects from the TALES FROM THE CRYPT family, BORDELLO OF BLOOD is especially notable for having an original story by Robert Zemeckis and his longtime writing partner Bob Gale.  While Zemeckis has been a CRYPT producer and director from the very beginning of the series, this marks the first time he officially made a writing contribution of any kind.  A word of advice?  Don't expect BACK TO THE FUTURE!  Instead, expect a dim retread of the previous Gale-scripted and directed episode from 1993 called "House of Horror," whereupon fraternity pledges meet their doom in a haunted house-initiation gone wrong.  In BORDELLO OF BLOOD, however, it's dumb teens who visit a vampiric brothel on the outskirts of town.  After they're reported missing, private eye Dennis Miller (?!) is on the case, which ends up involving archeology and intrigue at a local megachurch.  It's corny, slight, and predictable, but here are those seven bits of sublime stupidity that keep TALES FROM THE CRYPT fans comin' back for more:

#1.  William Sadler as the Cryptkeeper's drinkin' buddy.  Also– he's a mummy.

You get the sense that William Sadler is always having a lot of fun, whether he's doing naked kung fu in DIE HARD 2 or playing Twister against Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter in BILL AND TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY.  Technically the story kicks off as a wager between Sadler's mummy and ole' Crypty– apparently based on the quality of their stories, they sometimes cut each other to pieces for laughs or something?  (I think there's a "Cutting Cards" reference in there, too.)  This seems to exist solely for the payoff which I have catalogued under "Best One-Liner."

#2.  Bad boy Corey Feldman.  Look at him– so badass and ambiguously "90s subculture"

with his turquoise-eyeballed skull stud, his grunge jeans, leather jacket, and Bobby Briggs flannel.  He's got a TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT poster in his bedroom, too!  Regardless, this young ruffian's visit to the eponymous bordello is what kicks the plot into high gear.  Also, his (brief) presence here sorta feels like a nod to THE LOST BOYS.

Furthermore, his DEATH BECOMES HER-style demise and famous last words are poetry worthy of Lord Byron, or at least Beavis and Butthead:

"Oh shit!  This sucks! Uhhh..."


#3.  Crooked mega-pastor Chris Sarandon, wearing the worst tie of the 1990s and rocking out with his guitar like he's Chuck Berry.



This is actually what "makes" the movie, to whatever extent BORDELLO OF BLOOD can be "made."  He at first in league with the vampires (and not an actual vampire, like in the glorious FRIGHT NIGHT), helping lure young sinners to the Bordello of Blood.

Note the portrait of Sarandon on the wall behind Sarandon.

He also runs "The Lord's Shoppin' Network," wields a cross-shaped Jesus laser (which adheres to Chekhov's rule of Jesus lasers!), and pronounces laser like "lazzer."  All of this is pretty stupid, but all of this is also really good.

#4.  A rabid, demented supporting role from British character actor Aubrey Morris as an undertaker/pimp.

He knows exactly what movie he's in, and uses that as license to blaze bold and wondrous new trails in the annals of undertaker/pimpery.


#5.  Whoopi Goldberg?!

What's going on here?  She's around for about six seconds– long enough to pop up out of a hospital bed after a vampire battle and deliver the above rib-tickler.  Interestingly enough, this is not Whoopi's first TALES FROM THE CRYPT association– she also co-starred with James Remar and Vanity in the Tobe Hooper episode "Dead Wait" and even appeared as herself in the wraparound segment:

If I wrote the questions for JEOPARDY, you could bet that this would show up eventually.

#6.  A-movie (RETURN OF THE JEDI, WILLOW, THE DOORS), B-movie (GHOULIES II, TROLL, THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS) and C-movie (DOLLMAN VS. DEMONIC TOYS, RAGEWAR, MONSTER HIGH) legend Phil Fondacaro...  as Indiana Jones?!

He plays a vampire archeologist (I can't believe I just typed that) who becomes mixed up in a lot of Angie Everhart/Chris Sarandon intrigue.  This doesn't quite fit as sublime stupidity, as I must really tip my hat to their casting a little person in a role that doesn't necessarily call for one- how often does a guy like Phil Fondacaro get to play a straightforward "role," with no (troll/elf/alien/Ewok) qualification?

#7.  Dennis Miller and Chris Sarandon blast legions of vampire hookers into bloody goo-splosions with holy-water-filled Super Soakers to the resounding rock n' roll glory of The Sweet's "Ballroom Blitz."

Amen!

In the end, I'll give this two and a half stars.  I think I'm too close to it and I can't tell if I've inflated the rating or lowballed it.  Perhaps I'll let history be the judge.

–Sean Gill

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Only now does it occur to me... THE PRINCESS BRIDE!

Only now does it occur to me... that Chris Sarandon's majestic dickery in THE PRINCESS BRIDE is nearly as impressive as it is in FRIGHT NIGHT.

Devotees of this site may recall my ode to the exquisite douchery of Chris Sarandon in FRIGHT NIGHT, and my repeated pleas that he be enshrined as a national treasure. It had been a decade at least since I'd last viewed THE PRINCESS BRIDE, and have to say that Sarandon's condescending, self-important portrayal of Prince Humperdinck ranks with the decade's douchiest villains.

And he's even got a fantastic sidekick in dickery (a side-dick, if you will), just as in FRIGHT NIGHT.
















Note crown.

Where before we had the inimitable Jonathan Stark, now we have Christopher Guest as the six-fingered, cruelly ridiculous, and ridiculously cruel Count Rugen.

Together, they're droppin' a Douchebomb on the Kingdom of Florin, and not even Cary Elwes may survive. It's a wonderful pair of absurd performances in a movie populated with potentially overshadowing attention-getters like Billy Crystal & Carol Kane in gnome makeup; a swashbuckling, scarred, Spanish-accented Mandy Patinkin; and Andre the goddamned Giant.

I salute you, Chris Sarandon and Christopher Guest, may your achievements live long in the beloved annals of cinematic bastardry.

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Film Review: FRIGHT NIGHT (1985, Tom Holland)

Stars: 4.5 of 5.
Running Time: 106 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Chris Sarandon (CHILD'S PLAY, THE RESURRECTED, DOG DAY AFTERNOON), William Ragsdale (HERMAN'S HEAD, FRIGHT NIGHT 2), Amanda Bearse (MARRIED WITH CHILDREN, THE DOOM GENERATION), Roddy McDowall (PLANET OF THE APES, CLEOPATRA, "The Bookworm" on 60s TV BATMAN), Stephen Geoffreys (976-EVIL, AT CLOSE RANGE), Jonathan Stark (HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY, PROJECT X). Music by Brad Fiedel (THE TERMINATOR, TERMINATOR 2). Cinematography by Jan Kiesser (SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL, V.I. WARSHAWSKI). Casting by Jackie Burch (DIE HARD, PREDATOR, THE BREAKFAST CLUB).
Tag-line: "If you love being scared, it'll be the night of your life."
Best one-liner: "Welcome to Fright Night! For real."

Good 'ole FRIGHT NIGHT. One of the seminal 80s classicks, it marked the directorial debut of fun-luvin' horror master Todd Holland (CHILD'S PLAY, TALES FROM THE CRYPT, THINNER). Sort of a wonderful cross between 'SALEM'S LOT and REAR WINDOW, FRIGHT NIGHT is a loving paean to Late-Nite-TV monster movie programming and the kids who loved watching it, a proto-'BURBS which unmasks your local neighborhood as a hotbed of bloodshed and other terrifying happenings. Without further adieu, my favorite things about FRIGHT NIGHT:

#1. The Bradbury-esque, small-town-in-Autumn atmosphere.

I'm a sucker for this specific aesthetic every time it crops up, from HALLOWEEN (yes, I know it was actually filmed in the springtime) to SLEEPY HOLLOW to PHANTASM to THE STEPFATHER to THE MONSTER SQUAD to IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS. Hell, even ERNEST SCARED STUPID benefits from its presence. Autumn's always been my favorite time of year, and something about the stiff suburban breezes blowing fall leaves, the bedroom curtains billowing in the crisp, night air... a comforting, small-town milieu with just a whisper of menace. Basically, if a film can make me feel one tenth as immersed as I am while reading SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES then it's pretty damn successful.

#2. Jonathan Stark. We've seen him in HOUSE II: THE SECOND STORY. We've seen him as a bartender who nearly steals Sam's job in the sixth season of CHEERS. But here, as a totally assholish Renfield-type, we have the finest performance of his career.

His dickery knows no bounds ("Well, what do we have here? Vampire-killers?"), and he plays the whole thing like a totally committed 80s high school villain, a perpetual, open-mouthed 'Oh yeaaaaaah?' snarfy grin etched across his face. He's the perfect sidekick for Chris Sarandon, whose legendary performance shall be discussed just a little bit later.

#3. The FX people had a helluva lot of fun.

It's pehaps only rivaled by EVIL DEAD in terms of the love, dedication, and sheer enjoyment that the FX guys clearly poured into every ladle of blood, outpouring of slime, and various creatures and makeup effects.

#4. The music. From the Tangerine Dream-RISKY BUSINESS-style seduction scene rhythms to the guitar and reverb-heavy drum riffs, Brad Fiedel's work firmly entrenches us in the here and now, those glorious, glorious 80s.

#5. Evil Ed.

Played by Stephen Geoffreys, Evil Ed is simultaneously hilarious, tragic, and covered occasionally in varying degrees of latex, fur, and fangs. He brings a great deal to a role which could have easily been a phoned-in "zany friend." Geoffreys has been nominated for a Tony award, starred in Robert Englund's directorial debut (976-EVIL), and inspired the title of a Swedish 90's horror comedy. Also, he apparently retired from traditional acting for nearly twenty-odd-years to star in gay porn, including such evocatively titled fare as LATIN CROTCH ROCKETS and LEATHER BUDDIES. I'll let that all sink in for a minute.

#6. The surprising, nuanced, incredible pathos of Roddy McDowell.

I suppose it shouldn't come as a surprise, per se, but in a horror flick with darkly comedic underpinnings, I guess you're not expecting Roddy to be swinging for the heart-wrenchin' fences. As a washed-up late-nite TV host and former horror legend, he plumbs the depths of being fired from his job (lamenting the new era of hockey-masked killers) and being desperate enough to humor and then take the money of teenagers. But it all somehow culminates in the scene pictured above, whereupon Roddy sees the humanity in a death throes of what ostensibly is a monster. Somehow an entire career of pretending to slay creatures of the night on screens both big and small tumbles down in the welling of tears, in the the harsh, visceral, cruel actuality of it all. Later, Chris Sarandon's vampire dickishly quips, "Welcome to Fright Night! For real," and it's hilarious, but here, we're subjected to the exact same sentiment but sprinkled with this unexpected air of despondency. It's great.

#7.

The little girl (pictured nearly all the way to the left) cutting a mean rug at the late-nite club. Were they not checking ID that night? I don't believe it's meant to be a gag because we only ever see her within the crowd in a long shot. Were they that low on extras? Was she the gaffer's niece or something? These are questions that I fear may never be answered.

#8. Through the window.... THREE TIMES!


At one point, Chris Sarandon leaps through a window. Yes, this is something that happens, and this is something that I applaud. I also applaud the fact that Holland shows it to us three times, and from different angles. I love this movie.

#9. And now for a tribute to Chris Sarandon in FRIGHT NIGHT, one of the most spectacularly douche-ified villains to ever grace the silver screen.

CHRIS SARANDON IS HITTING ON YOUR MOM


CHRIS SARANDON IS OWNING THE DANCE FLOOR IN THIS SWEATSHIRT


CHRIS SARANDON IS STEALING YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND PREVENTING YOU FROM HAVING A GOOD TIME


CHRIS SARANDON IS KILLING ALL THE BOUNCERS


CHRIS SARANDON IS WEARING A TURTLENECK NOW AND HE KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE


OH YES, HE DOES

The exquisite douchery of Chris Sarandon in this movie ought to be enshrined as a national treasure. If he's importing big-city hookers and cultivating an art collection and preying on the populace, why the hell did he move to the suburbs? More importantly, who cares?!

GOTCHA

Like Jonathan Stark, he too occasionally plays it like a high school bully. After a miniature showdown with his kiddie nemesis he seeks revenge by... destroying his automobile!

He chortles, he snickers, he exudes conceit. A raised eyebrow, a superior pursing of the lips, a disdainful leer. He's got a smoove 80s walk and a way with the ladies. He smugly whistles to himself and somehow makes even the act of eating an apple an exercise in self-congratulation. He makes dancefloor moves to a song which is apparently titled "I Fight the Chemistry," because that's what the singer keeps repeating. He seduces/nearly rapes an underage gal to the schwingin' tones of a sleazy saxophone.

Oh boy. He's droppin' a douchebomb on this town, and there may be no survivors. The effect is only amplified when he's alongside Jonathan Stark.


There shoulda been a prequel chronicling these two buddies' zany, condescending misadventures. I would pay good money for that.

Anyway, my point is– if you haven't seen FRIGHT NIGHT, don't be so sad that Halloween has passed. Autumn's still got a solid month left, and Thanksgiving be damned!

–Sean Gill

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Film Review: CHILD'S PLAY (1988, Tom Holland)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 87 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Brad Dourif (ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, WISE BLOOD, DEADWOOD, SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION), Chris Sarandon (FRIGHT NIGHT, THE RESURRECTED, DOG DAY AFTERNOON), Catherine Hicks (STAR TREK IV, PEGGY SUE GOT MARRIED), Alex Vincent (CHILD'S PLAY II, MY FAMILY TREASURE). Music by Joe Renzetti (THE BUDDY HOLLY STORY, DEAD & BURIED). Written by Don Mancini (CELLAR DWELLER, all the CHUCKY movies). Cinematography by Bill Butler (JAWS, GREASE, ROCKY III). Chucky designed by Kevin Yagher (TALES FROM THE CRYPT, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2-4, FACE/OFF). Directed by Tom Holland (FRIGHT NIGHT, FATAL BEAUTY, THINNER, writer of CLASS OF 1984, PSYCHO II, and CLOAK & DAGGER).
Tag-line: "Andy Barclay has a new playmate who's in no mood to play."
Best one-liner: "BATTER UP!" [Brad Dourif cackles]

Maybe you have an affinity for killer dolls. Maybe you're a die-hard Dourif fan. Maybe you're a devotee of Chucky's complex, Miltonian love affair with the word "bitch," a relationship that is only rivaled by Fred Krueger's. Hell, maybe you thought you were seeing the film adaptation of Robert Marasco's Tony-winning CHILD'S PLAY. Nevertheless, you're here- so prepare yourself for a journey in murderous My Buddies and Reaganist ultra-consumerism– it's my top nine things about CHILD'S PLAY!

#1. The movie is sort of like an alternate ending to FATAL BEAUTY. For those not in the know, FATAL BEAUTY is one of the most incredible wisecrackin' cop movies that the 80's had to offer. Also directed by Tom Holland, also starring Brad Dourif as a murderous villain, and also featuring a Dourif vs. good guys showdown in a store. Only this time it's a toy store, and it's not the finale– it's the opening scene!

Do the "Barbie Rockers" in the background make Dourif's death scene more of less powerful? I don't know if I'm qualified to answer that.

Check it out: Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaurs, Mouse Trap, and Fireball Island. The goddamned trifecta of board games that took three hours to set up and were sprinkled with malfunctioning AA battery receptacles and malformed, ill-fitting plastic parts. That doesn't sit so well with Dourif, so he:

And yeah, that's a Little Tykes car... ON FIRE.

#2. The "Good Guys" commercial that's 700 times scarier than the actual Chucky.

What if Dourif just donned that grotesque, adult-sized Good Guy costume and began terrorizing everyone? I'd watch that movie, too.

#3. Schweet puppetry and animatronics.

A blend of puppetry, performers in costume, and animatronics, Chucky himself is certainly an achievement in practical special effects. Co-writer of SLEEPY HOLLOW and known for the Cryptkeeper, some Freddy Krueger sequels, and various other horror and sci-fi projects, Kevin Yagher led the Chucky design team, though it featured contributions from Howard Berger (CREEPSHOW 2, HOUSE III, IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS), Carl Sorensen (TREMORS), Christoper Swift (TERMINATOR 2, JURASSIC PARK), Mark C. Yagher (FACE/OFF, STARSHIP TROOPERS), Rick Lalonde (DARKMAN, MISERY), Ron Pipes (DR. GIGGLES, SIN CITY), Zandra Platzek (GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH, MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE), and James Kagel (THE THING, DEAD & BURIED, THE ABYSS). The result is alternatingly stilted and fluid (whenever called for by the script) and simultaneously uncanny and hilarious. Bravo!

#4. YOU STUPID BITCH I TEACH YOU TO FUCK WITH ME and Brad Dourif's cackle.

One might assume a general diminishment of the Brad Dourif factor as soon as he's no longer physically "on screen," but his deranged, spirited voice acting imbues Chucky with genuine presence– you feel the bloodthirsty, claustrophobic frustrations of Dourif's Charles Lee Ray, trapped inside the body of a doll: and Dourif's voice-acting bridges the gap and suspends our disbelief. Also, his evil cackle is magnificent.

#5. A nuanced Chris Sarandon performance.

Well, maybe he's not at his best here, but let's face it: the man is never bad.


Chucky attempts a razor-edged Chris Saradon low-blow.

#6. Chucky battles.


Whenever anyone must fight Chucky, there is a certain lightheartedness that can't help but emerge from the horror: I mean, he's a doll. As such, he gets flung about the room on occasion, battered, punched...he bites people with his little doll teeth. I guess this is just the sort of stuff that I enjoy.

#7. The kiddie gets a one-liner!

Just as in NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5: THE DREAM CHILD, a kid gets to deliver a crucial one-liner. (In that fine film, it was "School's out, Krueger!") Here, Chucky has been penned inside a fireplace. He turns up the charm, effectuates his best "sad eyes" and says:

Whereupon the kid ruthlessly prepares to fling a match and bellows with élan:


#8. Chucky comes back more times than the Terminator. And exactly like the Terminator.

Seriously, there even comes the point where he's dragging himself on the floor by one arm, his robotic skeleton revealed beneath the charred doll-flesh.

#9. Select scene Chucky commentary. Now, this is one that I only recently discovered with the DVD. Chucky, in character, delivers audio commentary on several crucial scenes. I couldn't tell if it was Brad Dourif or a very skilled impersonator, but regardless Chucky begins exactly as you'd expect: "Killin' this bitch," "Here, I'm toying with her," "at least in 1988 they still made real fuckin' hammers for kids," insane cackling, etc., etc. Then, as the obvious gimmick begins to wear thin, he begins to get slightly existential– he speaks about the difficulties of adjusting to the doll body, how it feels to kill as a human and then as a doll, etc. Ultimately, the fourth wall is broken, and Chucky's conversing in character with one of the producers. A truly great and bizarre addition to the film. I can't help but wish that this practice would become more frequent, at least amongst cult– imagine Robert Englund doing in-character Freddy commentary, or Rutger Hauer as "The Hitcher" for THE HITCHER, or, shit, how 'bout Clu Gulager in character on THE KILLERS! The possibilities are endless.

Four stars.

– Sean Gill

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