Film Review: WHITE SANDS (1992, Roger Donaldson)

Stars: 3 of 5.

Running Time: 101 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew: Directed by Roger Donaldson (COCKTAIL, SPECIES, THIRTEEN DAYS). Starring Willem Dafoe, Mickey Rourke, Samuel L. Jackson, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio (SCARFACE, THE ABYSS), M. Emmet Walsh (BLOOD SIMPLE, STRAIGHT TIME), John P. Ryan (CLASS OF 1999, FATAL BEAUTY, THE COTTON CLUB), Miguel Sandoval (JURASSIC PARK, REPO MAN), Maura Tierney (ER, SCOTLAND PA), Royce D. Applegate (Rev. Brocklehurst on TWIN PEAKS, UNDER SIEGE 2), and cameos by Mimi Rogers (WEDLOCK, THE RAPTURE) and (failed presidential candidate) Fred Dalton Thompson.

Tag-line: "The most dangerous way to solve a murder... become the victim."

Best one-liner: "I've never met anyone like you...you're honest...even when you're lying."

WHITE SANDS is a mediocre conspiracy thriller in the mold of countless others, but it remains watchable because it's packed to the gills with talented and eclectic performers. Frequently, it's a complete rip-off of the underrated, underseen FLASHPOINT (1984): from the Tangerine Dream-y score to the desert discovery of a mysterious body with a shitload of cash to Kurtwood Smith's monologue about how sedition, chaos, and crime are the lifeblood of the government (here delivered by Mickey Rourke)- it's really quite shameless. Regardless, Willem Dafoe plays a cop whose suburban New Mexican existence is so insipid that he decides to impersonate the dead man on a whim, kind of just to see what happens.

Dafoe, as directed by Roger Donaldson (COCKTAIL, SPECIES) is pretty restrained, but there are a few fantastic moments which creep through- mainly Dafoe's childlike excitement at going undercover. There's a whirlwind of excitable eyebrow action, and his cheerful naïveté ("I can be a Bob!") is truly something to behold.

This is the most exciting moment of his life. But the tables soon turn- he becomes a victim of clothes-slashing lesbians:

Willem Dafoe: brutalized by lesbians.

makes the acquaintance of slippery (uncredited) arms dealer John P. Ryan:

John P. Ryan: once again, underappreciated. See also: my review of FATAL BEAUTY.

begins a war of wills with intense FBI man Sam Jackson:

Hold on to your butts

and begins a whirling dance of death (on eggshells) with enigmatic malfeasant Rourke (who is always compelling, even when phoning it in- as is proved here):

Mickey Rourke: smug, because he thinks he just swindled the producers for a paycheck by 'phoning it in,' when in reality, he couldn't help but deliver an intricate, multi-faceted performance.

We've got some 90's neo-noir action with Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio ("You're not the kind of woman I'd expect to see in a rodeo." –"I'm not the kind of woman you'd expect." GROAAAAN); a healthy dollop of skeezy n' sleazy

M. Emmet Walsh in a bolo tie (is there any other kind?); and bit parts for everyone from Maura Tierney to Miguel Sandoval:

'Why does everyone forget that I was in JURASSIC PARK?'

to that guy (Royce P. Applegate) from the DIFF'RENT STROKES kidnapping episode ("I will kill your parents, Sam"). They even manage to work in a Dafoe shower scene which lends credence to my theory that Dafoe might actually be naked more often than Keitel.

Three (ensemble-cast) stars.

-Sean Gill

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Film Review: WEDLOCK (1991, Lewis Teague)

Stars: 4.1 of 5.
Running Time: 101 minutes.
Tag-line: "Trapped in a prison of the future. Betrayed by a woman of his past. Frank Warren is wired to explode."
Notable Cast or Crew: Rutger Hauer, Mimi Rogers, James Remar, Joan Chen (TWIN PEAKS, THE LAST EMPEROR), Stephen Tobolowsky (GROUNDHOG DAY, DEADWOOD), O-Lan Jones (EDWARD SCISSORHANDS, MIRACLE MILE), Danny Trejo, Grand L. Bush (LETHAL WEAPON, FREEJACK). Written by Broderick Miller (who basically rewrote it as a subpar TV movie called DEADLOCKED: ESCAPE FROM ZONE 14 in 1995). Directed by the underrated Lewis Teague (CUJO, CAT'S EYE, ALLIGATOR). Costumes by Stephen M. Chudej (TAPEHEADS, RAISING ARIZONA, SHAKES THE CLOWN).
Best one-liner: "You non-conformists are all alike."
AKA: DEADLOCK.

Oh boy...now we're talkin' WEDLOCK. I'm a sucker for movies with necklace bombs. I've an even bigger sucker for movies with necklace bombs where Rutger Hauer exclaims "Jesus Christ!"

and then James Remar pops out of the shadows with a smoking gun, smarmily retorting, "No– but I'm flattered by the comparison," as Joan Chen cackles with fiendish malevolence.


Let's go down the list: 80's lightning FX? Check. Danny Trejo in a bit part as a prisoner?

Check. Exploding heads? Brutal ball-squeezing? A dude with a funky earring (like Ozone's in BREAKIN' 2) urinating on Rutger while he's in a sensory deprivation tank?


What is this, a Castellari movie?

Check, check, and double-check.

The main thrust is that 'good guy' thief Rutger takes the fall because of a double-crossin' fiancée Joan Chen (Josie on TWIN PEAKS) and ex-jewel-theivin' buddy Remar.

Rutger ends up in a futuristic, multi-gender, no smoking prison run by ruthless warden Stephen Tobolowsky (the obnoxious Ned Ryerson from GROUNDHOG DAY- bing!) and can only escape by remaining within 100 yards of his necklace bomb 'wedlock' partner, Mimi Rogers– who, by the way, he CAN'T STAND!

"Oh, nooo- you're my wedlock partner?"


See you in the funny pages

Now if that doesn't sound like movie gold to you, I don't even want to hear it- just get the hell outta here right now.

For the rest of you- here eleven reasons why WEDLOCK is well worth the commitment:

#1. Rutger, Joan, and Remar in Russian priest disguises. Is this why Rutger inexplicably has the same costume in SURVIVING THE GAME in '94?

Did he manage to sneak it off the set and into his personal collection? Did he figure three years was long enough for the producers of WEDLOCK to forget that his costume mysteriously went missing at the end of the shoot, and that they wouldn't put two and two together? How often does he wear it at home as lounging attire? Did James Remar keep his, too?

Is it only a matter of time before it ends up on an episode of DEXTER? So many unanswered questions.

#2. O-Lan Jones cameo as the proprietor of a store called "Astral Dreams." Welcome to the future.

#3. Warden Tobolowsky tooling around at times in a smoking jacket and sipping on girl drinks.



#4. These sunglasses. It's not that they're particularly 'over-the-top' or remarkable– they're just right.


#5. Rutger's continued flourishes of swordplay. It's not the Middle Ages (LADYHAWKE, FLESH + BLOOD), it's not essential to the plot (BLIND FURY), but by gum, we can fit some in anyway.

Touché!

#6. "So wait, when should we say this thing is set?" –"The future." "Naww, we gotta be more specific than that."


#7. The simple joy of enjoying tasty cold cuts after getting pissed on in the sensory deprivation tank is something I think we all can actually relate to.


#8. Rutger tooling around in THE most ridiculous southwestern rainbow fleece jacket/poncho, ever.

Which, naturally, leads to steamy, back-of-truck poncho sex:


I'm not sure what the concept was exactly, but I like it. Here's another picture of the macabre fleece:

Credit belongs to costume designer Stephen M. Chudej, who boldly chose to depict the future as not being populated by people in leather and burlap sacks (i.e., MAD MAX, SOLDIER, BLOOD OF HEROES, etc., etc.), but closer to the concepts of 'Medieval Turkish Dance Party," and "Rainbow-flavored Southwestern Mountain-Climbing Swishery." Highest marks.


#9. Try this theoretical question on for size: What if GROUNDHOG DAY starred James Remar instead of Bill Murray, and instead of being a quirky, pseudo-sci-fi holiday comedy, it was a straight-to-video, quirky sci-fi actioner?



#10. The "smash 'em if you got 'em" rule of intricate 80's cakes still applies, as always.

#11. The endless, increasingly insane situations the collars present to our heroes– from elevators to slomo cliff leaps to getting on the wrong bus, it's never less than a damn good time.

In closing- a little more than four stars. If it were made today, it'd be inundated by bad CGI, WB network has-beens, and maybe a washed up pro-wrestler or two– if we were lucky. It's a testament to the raucous genre filmmaking of Lewis Teague, the slick quintet of leads (Hauer, Rogers, Remar, Chen, Tobolowsky), and the colorful costume choices of Mr. Chudej that this thing is able to succeed at bein' a rip-snortin' wild ride. Pass the Schlitz.

-Sean Gill

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