Film Review: COCKTAIL (1988, Roger Donaldson)

Stars: 2.9 of 5.
Running Time: 104 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Tom Cruise, Bryan Brown (BREAKER MORANT, THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE '05), Elisabeth Shue (THE KARATE KID, HOLLOW MAN), Laurence Luckinbill (THE BOYS IN THE BAND, STAR TREK V), Kelly Lynch (ROAD HOUSE, ROAD HOUSE, ROAD HOUSE), Gina Gershon (SHOWGIRLS, FACE/OFF). Written by Heywood Gould (THE BOYS FROM BRAZIL, co-writer of ROLLING THUNDER). Directed by Roger Donaldson (WHITE SANDS, SPECIES, THE BANK JOB, THIRTEEN DAYS, NO WAY OUT).
Tag-line: "They thought he was good. They were wrong. HE WAS THE BEST." Also, see review.
Best one-liner: "I don't care how liberated this world becomes - a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume - and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not."

I'm not sure what to say. I enjoyed this, yes. For starters, it has one of the greatest tag-lines in film history: "When he pours, he reigns." There's high-fives, an amazing 80's neon font, and a sort of visceral, perverse fascination to be had in watching Tom Cruise and Bryan Brown undulate in unison, doing the Hippy-Hippy Shake as they mix Singapore Slings and what-have-yous.



But there's a key element of revulsion: the bad boy 'counter-culture' facade is easily unmasked to reveal a basic celebration of crass yuppie ideals. And it thusly kinda turns into a ginormous, reassuring pat on the back for yuppie sell-outs.

COCKTAIL says, "Fuck money! Fuck selling out! Yeah! Choose love!," and then cranks up the volume on some Starship before resuming with a business plan for creating a chain of bars for strip malls. It LITERALLY does of all of that. Only a yuppie shithook would think of themselves as a 'Maverick' because they're devoted to trite success manuals and dream of one day franchising NYC ambiance to tools across the land. Only the worst of douchebombs would truly relate to a romantic hero who successfully employs "A guy lays down a dare, you gotta take it!" as a perfectly legitimate, forgivable excuse for cheating on your girlfriend.

"THE BAR IS OPEN!"

But still, COCKTAIL is an important cultural document. The late 80's saw several exposés of yuppie culture. Something like BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY examines the origins and driving forces, and something like John Carpenter's THEY LIVE attempts to place it in perspective through the lens of outrageous sci-fi action and social commentary. But COCKTAIL exists as the flip side- the dark side- of that coin... almost a yuppie Bible. It's also a lot of fun. But for sheer vapidity, I'd rather be watching CAPTAIN RON, and for vapidity with subsequent meaning, I'd rather be watching AMERICAN GIGOLO. So there you have it. Not quite three stars.

-Sean Gill

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Film Review: TOP GUN (1986, Tony Scott)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.
Running Time: 110 minutes.
Tag-line: "...It's a solo mission ... Yeah! ...And I'm going with him..."
Notable Cast or Crew: Tom Cruise, Anthony Edwards, Tom Skerritt, Tim Robbins, Michael Ironside, Val Kilmer, John Stockwell, Rick Rossovich, Kelly McGillis, Whip Hubley, Meg Ryan. Music by Harold Faltermeyer, Giorgio Moroder, Berlin, Kenny Loggins, Cheap Trick, Loverboy. (At one point, tracks from Toto, including their version of "Danger Zone" were to be included, but it was not to be.)
Best one-liner: "That's right! Ice... man. I am dangerous!"

It has come to my attention that over time, viewers have apparently accused TOP GUN of containing 'homoerotic subtext.' Well, I'm here to tell you that it's a bunch of hogwash, hooey, n' bunkum. No way is an organization as hetero as the U.S. Navy (who had script approval and altered many already propaganda style sequences to make them even more like recruiting advertisements) going to infuse a film with homoerotic subt–

I'd say it was the right time
To walk away

When dreaming takes you nowhere
It's time to play

Bodies working overtime


PFFT–

Your money don't matter
The clock keeps ticking

When someone's on your mind
I'm moving in slow motion

Feels so good


It's a strange anticipation
Knock, knock, knocking on wood

Bodies working overtime

Man against man

And all that ever matters
Is baby who's ahead in the game
Funny but it's always the same

Playin', playin' with the boys

Playin', playin' with the boys

After chasing sunsets
One of life's simple joys
Is playin' with the boys

Said it was the wrong thing
For me to do I said it's just a boys' game
Girls play too

My heart is working overtime

In this kind of game
Someone gets hurt

I'm afraid that someone is me

If you want to find me,

I'll be Playin' with the boys

I don't want to be the moth around your fire
I don't want to be obsessed by your desire

I'm ready, I'm leaving
I've seen enough

I've got to go
You play too rough ...

Well said, Kenny Loggins. What's that other thing, the thing that's more important than the subtext? That thing that rides atop it? Ah, that's right... the text. So allow me to revise my statement: there is no homoerotic subtext in TOP GUN, there is only homoerotic text. Let's look at a sampling of said text, which can be read aloud as a free-form tone poem:

"Pull up, Cougar. Almost there."
"You need to be doing it better and cleaner than the other guy."
"I'd like to bust your butt."
"Slide into Cougar's spot."'
"Yes, I know the finger, Goose."
"I'm gonna break high and right, see if he's really alone."
"Splash that sucker, yeah!"
"Below the hard deck does count!"
"I want somebody's butt!"
"I want some butts!"
"God, buttnose!"

And, conversely, here's an example of subtext in TOP GUN- when serenaded by Top Gun pilots who croon, a cappella, "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling," Kelly McGillis announces: "I've never seen that approach." Now here's that declaration once more, with subtext added in italics: "I've never seen that approach (outside of a piano bar)."

Now, ordinarily a propaganda puff-piece based off of a magazine article that's got more implied assjammin' than QUIET COOL should be guaranteed to entertain. But ah, there's a problem: as much as I want to like it, TOP GUN fails to recognize its inner fabulosity, gets caught up in too many lifeless dogfight sequences, and is altogether pretty dull. And I believe my working definition of the word "dull" is something along the lines of "the parts of a Michael Ironside movie where Michael Ironside is not present."

And that's precisely the problem. IRONSIDE is in TOP GUN! We've got the man on set already. Then the producers proceed to give him nothing to do, and in as few scenes as possible. He's trying his best to maintain steadfast hetero Canadian dignity in the midst of wall-to-wall sultry stares and steamy man-shenanigans that are pulling focus all over the place. He can't even teach a class without some wag hollering, "This gives me a hard-on!"

How is Ironside supposed to focus on his performance when right in front of him, Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer are wrapped in an ocular embrace worthy of a Castellari flick? That look of confusion upon Ironside's face says it all- "Why didn't you say it was gonna be this kind of flick?- I could have brought in my pleather vest from VISITING HOURS."

So Ironside is criminally underused. How about the stuff in the plus column? Well, Loggins' "Danger Zone" is played, in its entirety- intro and all- three times. I can get behind that. Tom Skerritt is solid, too.

He gets a way beefier man part than Ironside and he doesn't waste it. The cinematography by Jeffrey L. Kimball (THE EXPENDABLES, JACOB'S LADDER, TRUE ROMANCE) is robust, vigorous, and stylish, and I think that every recruiting commercial for the Navy/Army/Air Force (besides this one) has borrowed heavily from it.



In the end, though, it pains me to report that for all the camp value and Anthony Edwards' 'stache, TOP GUN really doesn't hold up. Boys: commence playing with these two and a half-stars... and mind the sharp edges!

-Sean Gill

Odd side note: three of the cast members would go on to star (or co-star) in the first season of ER: Anthony Edwards, Rick Rossovich, and Michael Ironside.

Junta Juleil's Summer '10 Movie Series
1. HELL IN THE PACIFIC (1968, John Boorman)
2. KUFFS (1992, Bruce A. Evans)
3. THE OUTFIT (1973, John Flynn)

4. FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY (1981, Eddie Nicart)

5. A*P*E (1976, Paul Leder)

6. BLIND FURY (1989, Philip Noyce)
7. HIS KIND OF WOMAN (1951, John Farrow)
8. HIGH SCHOOL U.S.A. (1983, Rod Amateau)
9. DR. JEKYLL AND MS. HYDE (1995, David Price)
10. MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL (1997, Clint Eastwood)
11. 1990: BRONX WARRIORS (1982, Enzo G. Castellari)
12. FALLING DOWN (1993, Joel Schumacher)
13. TOURIST TRAP (1979, David Schmoeller)
14. THE THREE MUSKETEERS (1973, Richard Lester)
15. BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986, John Carpenter)
16. TOP GUN (1986, Tony Scott)
17. ...

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