Only now does it occur to me... BULLET TO THE HEAD

Only now does it occur to me...  that I would ever witness the following tableau:  A drugged-out, minor henchman played by Christian Slater (in a fox mask), partying at a low-rent version of EYES WIDE SHUT's creepy ball 

is stalked into the bathroom by a sheet-music-mask-wearing, revenge-seeking Stallone

and abducted at knifepoint whilst mid-whiz

as Stallone uses the one-liner:  "Grip it and zip it, party boy!"

As to the film: though it's a mean, semi-lean action picture by the legendary Walter Hill, it's not quite as good as I wanted it to be, despite the meaty acting stylings of Mr. Stallone and the extended-cameo-appearance by The Slater Factor.  Carry on.

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The Slater Factor in the News Cycle

Longtime readers of this site will know that I am an enthusiast of the phenomenon known as The Slater Factor.  Imagine my surprise when I learned that he's been making headlines today due to the fact that his vote was rejected in Florida do to signature issues and his name was misconstrued as "Christina Slater."

Note that he toned down the eyebrows a little for his pose with the President.

Also, Christian Slater is going to be in a Lars von Trier film?!

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Only now does it occur to me... TRUE ROMANCE

Only now does it occur to me... that there must be some odd, spiritual connection between Junta Juleil all-time Hall-O-Famers Kurt Russell ...and Christian Slater.  Let us revisit the oft-forgotten coda of the Tony Scott/Quentin Tarantino cult classic TRUE ROMANCE:














So we got The Slater Factor here, looking a lot like Kurt Russell's iconic Captain Ron, eye patch and Hawaiian shirt and all.  That's enough to warm my heart, sure, but it's not particularly unusual, particularly for 1993, a year that was veritably rife with Hawaiian shirts and zany, ocean-themed antics.  But wait– Slater's character Clarence is pictured here with his son Elvis, so named because of his Elvis obsession which permeates the film.  Now, let's take a trip back in time to 1963 when a 10-year old Kurt Russell made an on-screen appearance with the real-life Elvis in IT HAPPENED AT THE WORLD'S FAIR, where he was permitted to kick Elvis in the shins.  Later, in 1979, in John Carpenter's ELVIS, Kurt received the opportunity to play "The King" himself.  Even later, Kurt Russell would cross paths with a Quentin Tarantino script as well, appearing as the memorable Stuntman Mike in DEATH PROOF.  But before then, Kurt Russell and Christian Slater teamed up in the Elvis impersonator-centric heist movie 3000 MILES TO GRACELAND.  What does it all mean?  I don't think that I can venture a guess.  Yours is as good as mine.   I suppose all that I know is that the paths and destinies of Christian Slater, Kurt Russell, and Elvis are somehow, mysteriously, and incontrovertibly intertwined, and I'm more than okay with that.

...Annnnnnd I'm going to go to bed now.

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Film Review: TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE- THE MOVIE (1990, John Harrison)

Stars: 4.2 of 5.
Running Time: 93 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Debbie Harry (VIDEODROME, "Blondie"), Matthew Lawrence (BOY MEETS WORLD, MRS. DOUBTFIRE), Christian Slater (HEATHERS, GLEAMING THE CUBE), Steve Buscemi (MYSTERY TRAIN, RESERVOIR DOGS), Julianne Moore (SAFE, PSYCHO '00), William Hickey (ONE CRAZY SUMMER, PRIZZI'S HONOR), David Johansen ("The New York Dolls," SCROOGED, 200 CIGARETTES), James Remar (THE WARRIORS, RENT-A-COP), Rae Dawn Chong (COMMANDO, CHAINDANCE), Mark Margolis (THE WRESTLER, THE COTTON CLUB). Cinematography by Robert Draper (HALLOWEEN 5, DR. GIGGLES). Screenplay amalgamated from work by George A. Romero, Stephen King, Arthur Conan Doyle, and Michael McDowell (BEETLEJUICE, THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS). Special makeup effects by Howard Berger, Greg Nicotero, and Robert Kurtzman. Visual effects supervised by Ernest D. Farino (THE THING, THE ABYSS, THE TERMINATOR).
Tag-line: "Brace yourself for some KILLER stories."
Best one-liner: "I've never blown a hit yet, kitty cat."

Well, my anthology horror series has given me an excuse to take this lofty tome off the shelf, dust it off, and flip through its brittle, musty pages once more.

Considered by many, including Tom Savini, to be the real CREEPSHOW 3, it features stories from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Stephen King, and ancient Japanese folklore adapted by the likes of Michael McDowell and George A. Romero. Its director, John Harrison, did the electrifyingly spooky score for the first CREEPSHOW, and the crew features many series regulars. Additionally, many of the cast (i.e., Christian Slater and Debbie Harry) were alumni from the TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE TV show.

Divided into three segments, each part has a thoroughly distinctive feel. "Lot 249," a tale of mummies and revenge, has the visual consistency of an old Republic serial with post-RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK production value. "The Cat from Hell" sees a hitman going after a cursed black cat, has a very Vittorio Storaro-esque texture, and becomes very theatrical, not unlike the "Father's Day" segment from CREEPSHOW:

"Lover's Vow," which sees a struggling artist make a pact with a monster to avoid evisceration, feels most like it's embracing a contemporary style, and it features a thick, 'desolate yet metropolitan' atmosphere. The wraparound story is basically "Hansel & Gretel" meets "Scheherazade" in suburbia. With Debbie Harry.

So, while giving away as little as possible, I shall thumb through the veritable reams of these darkened pages- TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE features immeasurable insights into a number of scholarly disciplines. Prepare to have some thoughts provoked:

The Wrap-around Segment:

PHILOSOPHY: Is Debbie Harry a good actress? I don't know. Can we say for sure? ...Should we say for sure?

How about this: if a radio is playing "Rapture" in the woods and no one's around to hear it, does it still have that schweet rap part?

No wait– I'm sorry I said that, Blondie. Er, I mean, Debbie Harry. Yes, I know Blondie is the name of the band, not you. Sorry.


Lot 249:

ZOOLOGY: TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE affords us an outstanding glimpse of the Slater Factor in its natural habitat. Not until KUFFS in '92 would we see it quite this unrestrained. Look at the following images. Rarely has the Slater Factor been captured with such gleeful, manic precision. And rarely has it been captured holding such a wicked electric knife.





SOCIOLOGY: How is it possible that I'm always rooting for the proletariat... unless the ruling class is Slater?

Look at that sweater. We should hate him. But the eyebrow has won us over. An important lesson. Conversely, Robert Sedgwick and Julianne Moore, in their respective squash court and aerobics attire, garner no such sympathy.

Smart-alecky-ness vs. pomposity. An age-old struggle, and one which is always won by the smart-alecks.

ARCHAEOLOGY: Julianne Moore handles an actual Zuni fetish doll, in an in-joke directed at TRILOGY OF TERROR's slaveringly (inaccurate) bundle of teeth.

Though I must admit, a small, polished stone carving of an animal is infinitely less fun than a 'YAAAAAH YAH YAH NUMMM NUM' yammering little fellow with a predilection for edged weapons.

PHYSICS: Can three heads occupy the space intended for two heads?

This case study shows that it is, in fact, possible.

LINGUISTICS: Why does uttering the ancient hieroglyphic curse in English cause the mummy to awaken?... More importantly, who cares!

Young Buscemi utters the malediction.

The Cat From Hell:

GERIATRICS: Is it possible for a human being to have never been young? I swear that William Hickey was like eighty years old for a span of about forty years.

"Bring me its tail, so I can throw it in the fire and watch it burn!"

And it's always the greatest actors, like Harry Dean Stanton, Walter Huston, Walter Brennan ...I could go on. Unless somebody can provide me with evidence to the contrary, I'll have to assume that Hickey sprung forth from the womb as an oldster–

I stand corrected. Though he kinda looks the same, even then (the 1960's).

MUSIC THEORY: Who'd have thought that one day we'd see New York Doll member-turned-Buster Poindexter songster David Johansen stalking a cat with a laser-sighted gun in a suspenseful horror anthology? Not I.


And who'd have thought that he would have such a subtle, classy Dirk Bogardish quality to his acting? Or that he could pull off the whole 'internal monologue externalized' thing like a true professional?

According to Harrison and Romero, Johansen and Hickey drained a great deal of gin in their down-time and held the cast and crew rapt with their constant banter and ridiculous anecdotes. Ah, to have been a fly on the wall on the set of TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE...

Lover's Vow:

ART HISTORY: Balsa wood artists are an angst-driven bunch. Theirs is a fleeting art, one that can be easily smashed in fits of impassioned fury.

To be fair, we see him work with different media, but our first glimpse of him is as he's smashing a balsa construction that looks culled from an 'Odyssey of the Mind' competition.

This is easily the most dramatic segment, as nearly every omnibus requires a straight-up tragedy. And James Remar, one of my faves, has been cast against (villainous) type as a sensitive artiste. I like it. Hell, I'm always rooting for him anyway. [See also: The Slater Factor.]

HISTORY HISTORY: Speaking of factors, the RDC factor is pretty high, too, and it's occasionally wearing a fringe hippie jacket. For the uninitiated, that's the Rae Dawn Chong factor. She was comin' into the home stretch of a pretty mindblowing run of films from '81 to '91. We're talkin' QUEST FOR FIRE, BEAT STREET, Ferrara's FEAR CITY, CHOOSE ME, AMERICAN FLYERS, COMMANDO, THE COLOR PURPLE, SOUL MAN, THE SQUEEZE, THE PRINCIPAL, and Ironside's CHAINDANCE.

This was one of her great last hurrahs, and I can't decide if seeing her romantically paired with James Remar makes me happy or uncomfortable.

CRYPTOZOOLOGY: The monster is great. A detailed latex n' rubber construction, you can only shudder to think of how they'd handle it today, maybe with a CGI creature that resembles DRAGONHEART or something. At best.


ALTERNATE UNIVERSE-OLOGY: A glimpse of James Remar in an eyepatch reveals what it would have been like had Walter Hill directed ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK.


In the end, one of the stronger horror anthology films. Not as good as the original CREEPSHOW, but it's leaps and bounds above CREEPSHOW 2. There's not a weak segment or a groan-inducing moment in the bunch, and that's the highest of compliments for an omnibus film. A little over four stars.

-Sean Gill

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Film Review: THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN (1985, Matthew Robbins)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 96 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Helen Slater (SUPERGIRL, CITY SLICKERS, RUTHLESS PEOPLE), Christian Slater (GLEAMING THE CUBE, TRUE ROMANCE), Richard Bradford (THE UNTOUCHABLES, MISSING), Peter Coyote (E.T., SOUTHERN COMFORT, SLAYGROUND), Keith Gordon (JAWS 2, CHRISTINE, DRESSED TO KILL), Dean Stockwell (BLUE VELVET; PARIS, TEXAS), Yeardley Smith (THE SIMPSONS, MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE). Music by The Divinyls, Pat Benatar, Billy Idol, Wendy O. Williams, & Craig Safan (the composer of CHEERS and THE LAST STARFIGHTER).
Tag-line: "The last thing she ever expected was to become a hero."
Best one-liner: "Hey, get your hand off that!" –"What, your sister? Or your fagmobile?"

Feeling like sort of a cross between LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: THE FABULOUS STAINS and BONNIE AND CLYDE, it may surprise some to learn that THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN is actually an adaptation of THE LEGEND OF MICHAEL KOHLHAAS, an 1811 novel based on historical events that took place in Saxony in the 1530's. It's a series of injustices that might seem trivial to a member of the ruling class (stolen horses or a trashed scooter), but which make all the difference in the world to someone eking out a poverty-laden existence (be it in a fiefdom or a trailer park). However, in adapting this story for mainstream 80's audiences, a lot gets lost in translation, and our suspension of disbelief undergoes some serious wear and tear. But it doesn't matter- pump up the power on that Pat Benatar, arch your burgeoning Slater eyebrows, and sing it loud- "FAIR IS FAIR!" The casting is perfect: Helen 'SUPERGIRL' Slater is striking, fiery, and determined.

Part Joan of Arc, part Travis Bickle, she riles up the masses with a genuine charisma and righteous indignation that make this movie so damned watchable.

Bleached blond Christian Slater (no relation) reveals, even at the tender age of 15, some of the smart-alecky greatness that was to come.

Note eyebrows.

Nicholson pal Richard Bradford is fantastic as a Stacy Keach-style skeeze who seems beyond the law:

Look at that curled lip, that sleazy stache, the gutter 'tude.

Peter Coyote embodies the beleaguered, good-hearted cop who's won over by the kids' plight:

Coyote: getting too old for this shit?

and Dean Stockwell (BLUE VELVET) is an a-hole politico whose rebellious wolfman-lovin' son (Keith Gordon) gets thrown into the mix. Yeardley Smith (Lisa from THE SIMPSONS) is a lovable hayseed, and we even get a bit part from quintessential Texas gal Caroline Williams ('Stretch' from TEXAS CHAINSAW 2). There's some ridiculous homoerotic mistreatment at the hands of some Golan/Globus-worthy jag-offs (in cut-offs), which ends with some homoerotic milkshake-pouring revenge:

Messing with young Slater leads to eyebrow action and....

SPLOOOSH

there's some classic '80's media circus' social commentary; there are not 1, not 2, not 3, but FOUR senseless lowblows; and Christian Slater gets to rock out a dress.

Note lipstick.

Yes, this is a cult classic. Four stars.

-Sean Gill

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Film Review: KUFFS (1992, Bruce A. Evans)

Stars: 4.5 of 5.
Running Time: 102 minutes.

Tag-line: "When you have attitude - who needs experience?"

Notable Cast or Crew: Written and directed by Bruce A. Evans (writer of STARMAN, STAND BY ME, and JUNGLE 2 JUNGLE). Christian Slater, Milla Jovovich, Bruce Boxleitner, Ashley Judd, Don S. Davis (Major Briggs on TWIN PEAKS). Music by Harold Faltermeyer (TOP GUN, FATAL BEAUTY, TANGO & CASH).

Best one-liner: "Now I hate to repeat myself, so, you're all under arrest, come out in front of the cars, and lay down on the ground or something."

'Why are we doing so much running? Aren't we all going to be in cars?!' Personally I never thought that the Slater Factor could eclipse the zenith it reached in HEATHERS. Well, guess what? I was wrong. What we have here is somehow the love child of DIRTY HARRY and FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF.

With a healthy sprinkling of TURNER & HOOCH?

And Slater is somehow the exact median point between Eastwood and Broderick. Man, this day is full of firsts- I just compared Slater to other performers and never once mentioned Jack Nicholson! Plus, the movie is called KUFFS. And Slater's character is named George Kuffs. If you can't appreciate the simple bone-headed beauty in that, then you probably shouldn't be watching Slater movies anyway.

Now you might've already heard that KUFFS breaks the fourth wall. You hear that a lot- then, as it turns out, there's a throwaway line directed at the camera, or a wink and a nod here or there... maybe something at the very beginning, or something at the tail end, or something similarly half-assed. Now I must inform you that KUFFS does not break the fourth wall– it SMASHES it into a thousand shards and bits of plaster, arches its eyebrows, then says with a smarmy grin, "Am I gonna be tested on this later?"

I've never seen a fourth wall pummeled quite so aggressively- Slater was constantly talking to ME.

He was telling ME about his life, he was narrating to ME, he was revealing to ME his innermost thoughts.

And sometimes said innermost thoughts are uttered in the presence of Don S. Davis.

He was cracking jokes with ME, he was yelling for ME get the hell out of his bathroom.

It was a singular experience.

But just when you think this movie is all about dismantling the fourth wall, it reveals that it's additionally all about Slater dancing around the apartment, wearing only stonewashed, tapered 90's jeans.

Dancin with Jovovich.

Dancin' with the champagne.

Dancin' on the bed.

A dance session cut short.

And just when you think that between the fourth-wall shenanigans and the jeans dancin', they can't possibly introduce any more rich visual tropes- BOOM- they blow up some turkeys.

Two of 'em. Why? Gives Slater somethin' to arch his eyebrows about.

Kinda Heyyy what's this, they blew up my dinner!

I get the feeling that Bruce A. Evans had been watching a lot of Peckinpah and Argento before making KUFFS, as he demonstrates a heartfelt devotion to breathtaking, super-slomo action photography. One scene in particular follows the trajectory of an actual bullet, shot at a frame rate much higher than your average Hollywood slo-mo. I wouldn't be surprised if they'd used a special high-speed camera designed for scientific use, because the film stock doesn't even quite match the rest of the film.

The result is an incredibly elegant sequence which admittedly feels a touch out of place in a film that also contains the following frame:

...

In any event, after 100 minutes of crass Slater irreverence, misogyny, and all-out misanthropy; the movie abruptly ends on a possibly sincere pro-women message picture note with Slater saying: 'Women. If it weren't for them, there'd be no civilization.'

Whaaaaaaat?! Congratulations and bravo, Mr. Kuffs. Here's four and a half stars. Wait, don't squint your eyes, lower your sunglasses, and arch your eyebrows all shocked-like . You can't possibly be surprised. Wait, are you laughing?! Eh, you got me again, ya likable smart aleck!

-Sean Gill


Junta Juleil's Summer '10 Movie Series
1. HELL IN THE PACIFIC (1968, John Boorman)
2. KUFFS (1992, Bruce A. Evans)
3. ...

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