Only now does it occur to me... THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN

Only now does it occur to me...  that if William Castle had ever directed a James Bond film, it definitely should have been THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN.

What would the gimmick have been?  Flying skeletons?  A full-on working fun house in the lobby?  13 GHOSTS-style Scare-o-manga-vision?   A free novelty rubber nipple with admission? (Christopher Lee's character Scaramanga has a notable extra nipple.) Something to do with a gang midgets at the theater?

Of course, with the latter, I'm alluding to the irrepressible Hervé Villechaize (FANTASY ISLAND, FORBIDDEN ZONE), whose measured performance as "Nick Nack" reaches levels of subtlety previously reached in a Bond movie only by Bruce Glover in DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER.  I'm going to choose to believe that the incongruous beauty of a little person in a Bond flick is what sparked the imagination of the makers of FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY, the first of many glorious Weng Weng Agent 00 movies from the 1980s.

As far as Bond flicks from the Moore era go, this is one of– if not the– best.  I have some fond memories from childhood of seeing this on TV, and though that may color my opinion, it's got a taut storyline, a great villain in Christopher Lee's titular assassin,

those great "Dark Carnival" sets on Lee's private island, a solid 70s Bond girl in Britt Ekland (best known for THE WICKER MAN and being Peter Sellers' wife)

and it even has Bond doing an embarrassing  loop-de-loop bridge jump like something out of a DUKES OF HAZZARD episode or a Burt Reynolds movie, complete with a slide whistle sound effect.  Whew!

[Also, despite the fine opening song collaboration between John Barry and Lulu, I can't help but think Alice Cooper's unused title track would have been a nicer (and more rockin') fit.  That is all.]

Read More

Only now does it occur to me... FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI

Only now does it occur to me...  that "He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask)" may represent the finest hour of the entire FRIDAY THE 13TH series.


Technically, this song just plays over the end credits, but the tie-in music video is something to behold.  And, just to be clear– I genuinely love Alice and this song with all of my heart.

There's so much going on, I find it impossible to decide what precisely is the best part, or even which part is the most confusing.  Is it Alice manually making the "Chee chee chee kah kah kah" noises with his mouth?  Is it Alice's riding crop and his Jason "throne?"

Is it when he rhymes "alone" with "alone?"  ["But the moon was full/ And you had your chance/ To be all alone/ but you're not alone"]  Is it when he rhymes "can" with "can?" ["Oh, if you see him comin', run away if you CAN/ Just keep on runnin', run as fast as you CAN" – truly only Alice can get away with this shit!]  Is it when Jason swings on a rope out of an image of Jason swinging on a rope?

Is it when Alice bursts out of the movie screen, just to smash a breakaway bottle against his forehead?

Is it the look of vague disappointment amongst the teens when the Jason movie they're watching on screen transforms into an Alice Cooper music video?

Is it the apathetic "I'd prefer it if you'd please stop" expression the teens adopt as their supposedly horrific but extraordinarily confusing theatrical experience continues?

 Is it when Alice puts the kids in a cage, only to unlock it a moment later?

 Is it when Alice is dragged back into the screen by Jason, who has already been revealed to be Alice? (Shades of multiple personalities á la MONSTER DOG and the album DADA?)


Is it the bizarre, non-sequitur of an ending that reveals Alice to be Jason's cultured dad, and "Jason" to be the name of the perplexed and depressed teen, right after we've seen that Alice himself is the man behind the mask as well as "Jason"'s father?

Who can say?  But I suppose it doesn't matter.  It's a Friday the 13th in sweaty July– just have a couple of cold beers and watch a Jason movie.  That's what I'll be doing later.  Maybe 3 in 3-D or 4- THE FINAL CHAPTER.  I'll have to see what strikes my fancy.  Eh, just remember: if you see him coming, run away if you can, just keep on running, run as fast as you can.  He's a dangerous, dangerous man.  And he's out tonight.  And he's watching you.  And he knows your house.

Read More

Film Review: SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND (1978, Michael Schultz)

Stars: 3.2 of 5.
Running Time: 113 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Peter Frampton, The Bee Gees, George Burns, Donald Pleasence, Billy Preston; Earth, Wind, & Fire; Steve Martin, Paul Nicholas (Cousin Kevin from TOMMY), Frankie Howerd (THE LADYKILLERS, CARRY ON DOCTOR), Carel Struycken (TWIN PEAKS, THE ADDAMS FAMILY), Aerosmith, and cameo appearances by Keith Carradine, Wolfman Jack, Carol Channing, Rick Derringer, Donovan, Tina Turner, Leif Garrett, Heart, Curtis Mayfield, Bonnie Raitt, Frankie Valli, Gwen Verdon, Bobby Womack, Hank Williams Jr., Johnny Winter, Sha-Na-Na, Del Shannon, Wilson Pickett, Anita Pointer, Robert Palmer. Featuring music written by John Lennon, Paul McCartney, and George Harrison. Production design by Brian Eatwell (THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH, GODSPELL). Set decoration by Marvin March (STAR TREK's original series, LETHAL WEAPON, THEY LIVE, CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC). Costumes by May Routh (THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH, BEING THERE, RONIN). Directed by Michael Schultz (THE LAST DRAGON, CAR WASH).
Tag-line: "Only their music could conquer the forces of evil."
Best one-liner: "We hate love! We hate joy! We love money!"

Largely considered one of the worst films ever made, SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND does not quite deserve the hideous reputation which it has earned, yet it certainly is one of the more outlandish musicals to come out of the 1970's.

An inspiration to everyone from Julie Taymor (ACROSS THE UNIVERSE) to Menahem Golan (THE APPLE), SGT. PEPPER tells the tale of Heartland, USA, a quaint little town full of gazebos, hot-air balloons, the benevolent guardianship of the Mayor Mr. Kite (George Burns), and wondrous, heart-warming music courtesy of one Sergeant Pepper. Sergeant Pepper & his Lonely Hearts Club band have attempted to bestow- through the power of song- peace and love upon the nation from WWI through the 1970's. Midway through his latest concert he dies and is quickly replaced by the new Sergeant Pepper Lonely Hearts Club Band, depicted by Peter Frampton and the Bee-Gees.

The new band heads to Los Angeles, where they sign a deal with sleazy record producer Donald Pleasence. The malevolent, mean Mr. Mustard (Frankie Howerd) takes advantage of their absence in Heartland,

Mean Mr. Mustard massaged by mechanical masseuses.

steals the original band's instruments, and distributes them to his cronies: Dr. Maxwell (Steve Martin), The Sun King (Alice Cooper), and the Future Villain Band (Aerosmith). Frampton and the Bee-Gees must fight for what's right, defeat the malefactors, and retrieve their instruments. Which they do. Then, there's an all-star reprise of the main title featuring more rock stars and personalities than you can shake a stick at. That's about it.

Judging the film is difficult- it's something of a soggy mess, but it frequently entertains, features some well-executed set and production design, and has a ridiculous slew of celebrity cameos. So I have to give it a vague thumbs-up, but all the time I'm keeping that thumb within striking distance of the fast-forward button (I mean, this thing runs almost 2 hours). Anyway, without further ado:

TEN FANTASTICAL OCCURENCES THAT MY FEEBLE MIND COULD NOT EVEN HAVE BEGUN TO FATHOM...until I saw SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND:


#1. The Bee Gees fight dancing against proto-LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS Steve Martin, playing Dr. Maxwell (Silver Hammer), a scene which culminates with

Martin torturing the shit out of Peter Frampton with tiny, electrified hammers! Talk about FRAMPTON COMES ALIVE!


#2. George Burns rocking out to "Fixing a Hole" and doing the 'ole soft shoe with some children.



#3. The giant from TWIN PEAKS acting as Mr. Mustard's agent, and receiving cash flow from mustard-colored-clothing-clad hookers (!?).


#4. Now "Nowhere Man" ain't exactly the most rockingist song ever committed to vinyl, but I don't think anything can possibly prepare you for the Frampton and the 'Gees cover version, which can only be described as 'utterly testicle shriveling.' You may need to watch EXTREME PREJUDICE or some Bob Mitchum movies right afterward in order to preserve your sense of self.


#5. Alice Cooper turning "Because" into a horror ballad capable of brainwashing boy scouts (really- it's a plot point).

And he doesn't even do all that much to it- he just adds his patented, smartassed, witch-like vocal intonation, and it works beautifully.

#6. Stephen Tyler's arms pinned behind his back by a raging Frampton, who looks as if he's wearing some kind of figure skating costume! The script called for Frampton to fling the noted Aerosmither to his death, but Tyler flat-out refused to be killed, even indirectly, by the likes of Frampton. And so 'Strawberry Fields,' Frampton's love interest, pops in and sort of pushes Tyler off the precipice


where he lands, crumpled and lifeless, upon hundred dollar bills emblazoned with his own image. It's simply visual poetry.


#7. A mustachioed Alice Cooper strangling the shit out of Robin Gibb and then getting punched out by Barry! (And landing facedown into a conveniently-placed cream pie.)


Look at the intensity on Barry Gibb's face. This is one Bee Gee you don't wanna mess around with... lest you be K.O.'d!


#8. Vaguely evil record exec Donald Pleasence encouraging Frampton to drown his sorrows in... the world's largest beer glasses!

Look at the smarm there on Donald. He's even got a gold tooth to match those chains. And the inspiration for 'Mr. Boogalow' in THE APPLE has never been more apparent. (Though some might argue that Vladek Sheybal took the character to unprecedented heights!)

#9. Again, Donald Pleasence. Pleasence freeform grooving and twirling in a sort of cowboy-leisure suit,

and then later belting out a rather curious version of "I Want You (She's So Heavy)."

Despite any misgivings about this film, I must say that I think the world is a richer and deeper place now that I've seen Donald Pleasence cut a rug.

#10. Keith Carradine, Carol Channing, Tina Turner, and God knows how many others, singing and swaying in soulful harmony to the big show-stopping, show-stomping reprise of "Sgt. Pepper."

Now I know that Keith was included because of his vocal talents so well displayed in Altman's NASHVILLE, but now (after watching him play a number of shrewd-operatin' badasses in everything from SOUTHERN COMFORT to DEADWOOD) seeing him in a silky, unbuttoned shirt, bobbing and shakin' it behind Tina Turner and Carol Channing (who are locked in a battle to see who can pull more focus), is, in short, ridiculous.

A little over three stars. I'll say it's for masochists, Beatles-schadenfreude enthusiasts, and Alice Cooper, Donald Pleasence, and Keith Carradine completists. Ennn-joy...

-Sean Gill

Read More

Film Review: MONSTER DOG (1984, Claudio Fragasso)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 81 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Alice Cooper.
Tag-line: " Twenty years later, the nightmare begins again and now it's Lou's turn to pay..."
Best exchange:"Listen, werewolves DO exist." –"Oh, bullshit, Vince! The year 2000 is just around the corner. I am a recognized expert in electronic videos and you are the hottest rock n' roll star - in the world! You're making records, videos, movies - on high-tech electronic equipment of fantastic sophistication. You can get on a plane tonight and be in Australia tomorrow. And you're scared of werewolves."

"You look like a couple of queers to me! Queers make...MY STOMACH TURN!" What we have here is a rather curious specimen. An ‘American’ werewolf flick (starring Alice Cooper as a rock star named "Vincent”) made by Italians- to be precise, Claudio Fragasso, the same Italian who was the brains behind such made-up sequels as TROLL 2, EVIL DEAD 5: LA CASA, TERMINATOR II: SHOCKING DARK, and TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3: NIGHT KILLER.

Here, using the sobriquet "Clyde Anderson," Fragasso skulks around like a thief in the night, peddling his plagiaristic Italo-trash to the unsuspecting. Right off the bat, let me say this: MONSTER DOG is no TROLL 2. It certainly has elements of TROLL 2, like creepy villagers' laughably ominous warnings, overuse of the line "I can hardly believe the nightmare is over," a lot of talk about pissing (“You was more full of water than the Hoover Dam!”), and the mention of “hospitality” a few times (!).

"You was more full of water than the Hoover Dam!"


There's plenty of driving scenes to pad the run-time.


The vanity plate. (Alice's real name is Vincent Furnier.)


The eponymous MONSTER DOG. Rick Baker, eat your heart out.

Alice wears stodgy sweaters and dubbed by somebody who sounds kind of like Kermit the Frog. Later, when it briefly turns into a Spaghetti Western, Alice is wearing eye-makeup, a ruffled shirt, and toting a shotgun in time for a Castellari-esque shootout.


YAHHHHH

The eponymous "Monster Dog" is papier-mache and lots of imagination, fog machines work serious overtime, heavily-sedated killer canines look less like hell-hounds and more like sad-sacks, and the shittiest 80's A/V equipment you've ever seen is referred to as "hi-def electronic equipment of incredible sophistication." The high point is probably the Alice music video "Identity Crisis-es" (which features Alice as James Bond:

Billy the Kid:

Sherlock Holmes:

and Jack the Ripper:

and ties into his masterful 1983 Multiple Personality Disorder concept album, DADA) which serves as the film’s opening and closing scenes. Except at the end, it's been re-edited to act as a kind of greatest hits of “memorable” scenes from the movie. Since this is theoretically better than watching the entire movie, I have posted it below:

Let me add this up: TROLL 2 + Alice Cooper, divided by dubbed Alice and a damned sluggish 81 minutes = 3 stars.

-Sean Gill

Read More