Giant Oscar Mess: Best (Non-Dance) Duel

In my continuing coverage of GIANT OSCAR MESS (best described HERE), I present to you the nominees for BEST (NON-DANCE) DUEL IN A MOTION PICTURE. Lorenzo Lamas continues on as the Meryl Streep of the GIANT OSCAR MESS and Junta Juleil faves Michael Ironside and Jean-Claude Van Damme enter the fray.

You can watch the clips HERE. (The vast corporate flagging device built-in to YouTube has disabled embedding.)




And the winner was...

...Jean-Claude Van Damme...

...vs. Truck.

(To be continued)

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GIANT OSCAR MESS: Best Fight Dance

In my continuing coverage of GIANT OSCAR MESS (best described HERE), I present to you the nominees for BEST FIGHT DANCE IN A MOTION PICTURE.


And the winner was...

...a Bunch of Italians and a Guy in an Owl Mask in STAGEFRIGHT.

(To be continued)

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GIANT OSCAR MESS: Best Monologue

Greeting and salutations! GIANT OSCAR MESS (best described HERE) was performed and projected last night at the Bowery Poetry Club, and it was fairly redunkulous, as I had hoped. Life imitated art, also, as Jillaine's performance as Sean Young found resolution in an actual headline from this morning. In any event, for those of you who couldn't make it, I decided to post the nominee videos that were projected last night, one at at time. This one's for BEST MONOLOGUE.

And the winner was....

...Gary Busey.

(To be continued)

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GIANT OSCAR MESS: And the nominees are...

Tonight at 9:30 p.m. (doors open at 9) at the Bowery Poetry Club (308 Bowery between Houston and Bleecker, take the F train to 2nd Ave, or the 6 to Bleecker) will be GIANT OSCAR MESS!!! $10 at the door. Combining live performance, singers, dancers, comics, and hosted by Sean Young (Jillaine Gill) and Christian Slater (Sean Gill), the GIANT OSCAR MESS will deliver awards to the films that really deserve them–

And the nominees are...

BEST MONOLOGUE IN A MOTION PICTURE:
Lorenzo Lamas in SNAKE EATER
Gary Busey in SURVIVING THE GAME
Lorenzo Lamas in BODY ROCK

BEST FIGHT DANCE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Lorenzo Lamas and Day-Glo Skeletons in BODY ROCK
A Bunch of Italians and a Guy in an Owl Mask in STAGEFRIGHT
Rob Stone and the Purple Falcons in ACE HITS THE BIG TIME

BEST NON-DANCE DUEL IN A MOTION PICTURE
Jean-Claude Van Damme vs. Truck in HARD TARGET
Ninja vs. Office Worker in REVENGE OF THE NINJA
Lorenzo Lamas vs. Biker Karate Gang in SNAKE EATER
Man vs. Ghoulie in GHOULIES II
Michael Ironside vs. Subway train in HIGHLANDER 2: THE QUICKENING
Jean-Claude Van Damme vs. Snake in HARD TARGET

BEST SPAZZIFIED SOLO DANCE IN A MOTION PICTURE
James Remar in RENT-A-COP
Michael Moriarty in TROLL
Lorenzo Lamas in BODY ROCK
Mark Patton in NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2: FREDDY'S REVENGE
Connie McFarland in TROLL 2

BEST DANCE OF SEDUCTION IN A MOTION PICTURE
Ed Harris & Elizabeth Regan in CREEPSHOW
Kristy McNichol and Christopher Atkins in THE PIRATE MOVIE
Deborah Reed and David McConnell in TROLL 2
John Travolta and Jamie Lee Curtis in PERFECT
Construction Worker and the Female Sex in CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC

BEST PUPPET IN A MOTION PICTURE
Satan and Killer Starfish in ROCK N' ROLL NIGHTMARE
Mac in MAC AND ME
The Kids in THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS THE MOVIE
Freddy's Kids in NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS
Munchie in MUNCHIE

Hope to see you there!

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GIANT OSCAR MESS promo!

For those who are not interested in EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE. Details HERE.

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Next Sunday: GIANT OSCAR MESS at the Bowery Poetry Club

As part of my ongoing series as an artist-in-residence at the Bowery Poetry Club:

Next Sunday, February 26th at 9:30 p.m. (doors open at 9) at the Bowery Poetry Club (308 Bowery between Houston and Bleecker, take the F train to 2nd Ave, or the 6 to Bleecker) will be Junta Juleil's retort to the Academy Awards– the GIANT OSCAR MESS. Combining live performance, singers, dancers, comics, and hosted by Sean Young (Jillaine Gill) and Christian Slater (Sean Gill), the GIANT OSCAR MESS will deliver awards to the films that really deserve them (and screen a variety of short, mind-blowing clips therein); films like PERFECT, TROLL 2, THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE, BODY ROCK, MUNCHIE, THE PIRATE MOVIE, ROCK N' ROLL NIGHTMARE, RENT-A-COP, MAC AND ME, TEEN WITCH, ACE HITS THE BIG TIME, DEATH WISH 3, SALSA, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2, and many, many more. $10 at the door.

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Only now does it occur to me... DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE!

Only now does it occur to me... that Jeremy Irons' portrayal in DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE is equal parts Claus von Bülow (his German-accented, Oscar-winning role from REVERSAL OF FORTUNE)... and Sting!

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Film Review: OLD BOYFRIENDS (1979, Joan Tewkesbury)

Stars: 3.8 of 5.

Running Time: 103 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew: Written by Paul and Leonard Schrader (MISHIMA, BLUE COLLAR, THE YAKUZA). Starring Talia Shire (THE GODFATHER, ROCKY), Richard Jordan (THE FRIENDS OF EDDIE COYLE, Lynch's DUNE), John Belushi (ANIMAL HOUSE, SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE), Keith Carradine (DEADWOOD, SOUTHERN COMFORT), John Houseman (the stage, ROLLERBALL, THE FOG), P.J. Soles (ROCK 'N ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, HALLOWEEN), Buck Henry (THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH, TO DIE FOR), Gerrit Graham (CHILD'S PLAY 2, USED CARS, PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE). Music by David Shire (ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN, SHORT CIRCUIT, MONKEY SHINES).

Tagline: "...what happens when you see them again?"

Best one-liner: "I got a cameo on STARSKY AND HUTCH… wanna come out and see my Winnebago?"

Just in time for Valentine's Day, something with a romantic bent. Well, kind of.

I'm a tremendous fan of Paul Schrader, with MISHIMA: A LIFE IN FOUR CHAPTERS in serious contention as my favorite film of all time, and he's either written or directed other films that are near to my heart, like BLUE COLLAR, RAGING BULL, ROLLING THUNDER, TAXI DRIVER, AMERICAN GIGOLO, OBSESSION, CAT PEOPLE, PATTY HEARST, and so many others. I've been on sort of a quest to see the rarest films in his catalogue, and this usually involves sifting through bins of used VHS tapes and poking around in the dustier corners of the internet. For a mere $1.99, I got my hands on an early, largely unseen Schrader called OLD BOYFRIENDS. He co-wrote it with his brother Leonard, and it's directed by Joan Tewkesbury, whose major claim to fame was writing the screenplay for Robert Altman's NASHVILLE. It stars some perennial favorites, too– names like Talia Shire, Richard Jordan, Keith Carradine, John Houseman, and John Belushi. I also discovered that the film's reputation is rather weak– apparently the 117 souls who've seen it and voted on IMDb rank it a mere 4.2 out of 10. It seems to have been out of circulation for a long time, too– the VHS I obtained was manufactured in 1982, the cassette itself is sort of a discolored grey, and the original MSRP printed on the side claims $79.95! Ah, it was a different era. Regardless, knowing these few scant facts, I embarked upon OLD BOYFRIENDS. And I ended up enjoying it quite a bit.

The plot is as follows: a psychologist (Talia Shire) undergoes a self-centered identity crisis as she weathers the collapse of her marriage and decides to embark upon a road trip into her distant past, visiting her college beau (Richard Jordan), who is now a successful director of television commercials; her douchey high school boyfriend (John Belushi) who runs a garment rental business and performs in a 50's throwback band (it feels kind of like an audition for THE BLUES BROTHERS!); and the brother of her deceased middle school sweetheart (Keith Carradine), who suffers from agoraphobia and is deeply depressed. The intent of her travels seems to be self-exploration and self-knowledge, but the end result is not always positive– in some cases it involves revenge and the opening of long-ago-sutured psychological wounds. As such, some have labelled it as a man-hating tract, but that's an incredibly narrow view; Shire's character is often selfish but her behavior is not lionized (and Schrader's attraction to pariahs and unlikable protagonists has occasionally been misinterpreted as such). The whole thing has a tremendous quotidian interest– I'm not even close to being a fan of the "relationship genre," but I found the film's plot set-up to be fascinating, and its development satisfying. Tewkesbury's directorial debut is strong– atmospheric, contemplative, and specific. It doesn't rank amongst the Schrader brothers' absolute finest work, but there's great pathos and good humor, and I'm glad I was finally able to get my hands on it.

Now, onto the minutiae, as I am wont to do:
–There's an amazing melodramatic soundtrack by David Shire which infuses the film with dose of seriousness and a dose of camp, both of which work in the film's favor.
–Buck Henry shows up as a fidgety Private Investigator whose office overlooks Grauman's Chinese theater. STAR WARS is on the marquee.
–In a hotel room, Shire watches a 50's TV show called THE CONTINENTAL, whereupon the viewer, via first-person POV cinematography, is treated to a date with an unsavory man. I had no idea that the popular Christopher Walken SNL skit… was a remake!
–Gerrit Graham appears as an awesomely sleazy actor on Richard Jordan's set who hits on Ms. Shire, insisting "I got a cameo on STARSKY AND HUTCH… wanna come out and see my Winnebago?"
–And finally, the idea of Keith Carradine being the brother of her dead middle school sweetheart begs the question…. was said paramour DAVID Carradine???

Nearly four stars.

-Sean Gill

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MUSTACHE PARTY (2010, Sean Gill)

I've been uploading some of my older films to the internet– I thought that some of you might get a kick out of MUSTACHE PARTY, a sort of avant-garde doom-laden tract best described as "Four mustachioed individuals await the impending apocalypse as a skeleton pummels a kettle drum and a hairy, Stygian Beast gradually awakens. It stars Jillaine Gill, Joe Stipek, Rachel Klein, and yours truly, who wrote and directed and all of that. It debuted at the 2011 Lower East Side Film Festival. Enjoy!

Mustache Party from Sean Gill on Vimeo.

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Only now does it occur to me... THE PRINCESS BRIDE!

Only now does it occur to me... that Chris Sarandon's majestic dickery in THE PRINCESS BRIDE is nearly as impressive as it is in FRIGHT NIGHT.

Devotees of this site may recall my ode to the exquisite douchery of Chris Sarandon in FRIGHT NIGHT, and my repeated pleas that he be enshrined as a national treasure. It had been a decade at least since I'd last viewed THE PRINCESS BRIDE, and have to say that Sarandon's condescending, self-important portrayal of Prince Humperdinck ranks with the decade's douchiest villains.

And he's even got a fantastic sidekick in dickery (a side-dick, if you will), just as in FRIGHT NIGHT.
















Note crown.

Where before we had the inimitable Jonathan Stark, now we have Christopher Guest as the six-fingered, cruelly ridiculous, and ridiculously cruel Count Rugen.

Together, they're droppin' a Douchebomb on the Kingdom of Florin, and not even Cary Elwes may survive. It's a wonderful pair of absurd performances in a movie populated with potentially overshadowing attention-getters like Billy Crystal & Carol Kane in gnome makeup; a swashbuckling, scarred, Spanish-accented Mandy Patinkin; and Andre the goddamned Giant.

I salute you, Chris Sarandon and Christopher Guest, may your achievements live long in the beloved annals of cinematic bastardry.

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